My phone updates without my help
And brags about new features. Whelp,
It feels like pretty soon we’ll see
The feature is, it won’t need me!
Dining With Style
Sometimes it’s the little things,
Sometimes the medium,
The Pizza Planet driver brings
To break the tedium
Of staying in on Friday night
And partying alone…
Aw, who’m I kidding? It’s a joy
To order food by phone!
That’s Just Math
The correct response
To my having overslept
Is an early night
It’s Mutual, I’m Sure
I was taught to hail a cow
By saying, “Moo,” and so I do,
Yet I have never, birth till now,
Been moved to greet a dog, “Bow-wow!”
The Algonquin Awaits
“Knock,” the child says. With just the slightest pause, again:
“Knock!”
Silence…
Patiently, “And now you say, ‘Come in!'”
— Come in?
“No, wait, that isn’t right. Oh! You ask me, ‘Who’s there?’”
— It isn’t you?
“That’s what you do!” A huffy puff of air.
— Okay, okay. I’ll play. Who’s there?
“Uh…Europe?”
— Europe who?
Through shriek and snigglesnort the quick retort:
“No, you’re a poo!”
Mind Your Own Dizziness
If you are the one
Around whom the world revolves,
You have vertigo.
Playoff Day Off
Win or go home
Is inspiring to some
But for bureaucrats down on their jobs,
It’s just dumb.
Little Tony’s Wish
I have a little friend
To whom nobody says hello.
I know he’s just pretend
But it’s annoying even so.
If ever I become a cocaine lord
And buy a gun,
Come by, say hi, sometime you’re bored,
And we’ll have lots of fun!
Five More Minutes?
Everything’s rosy and nothing is bad!
We’ve zero complaints with the week we’ve just had.
If nits needed picking, we’ve started so strong
That the rest of the year just can’t help but go wrong,
But with all things considered, that problem we’ll keep
Since this week’s been so awe– wha?
Oh, crap. I’m asleep.
Stirring Up Trouble
Freedom on the Rocks:
A distasteful cocktail of
Arrogance and ICE
TrollPants 2.0 