Happy Birthday Gabriel

Every year it seems like it's a little bit harder to celebrate your birthday. I feel both guilty and blessed that this is the case. I know in my heart that I don't need to do anything special to remember you but as life keeps getting busier, it's nice to have at least one day a year that we can do something special as a family to honor your memory.

This birthday is the first one here in Oregon. So we decided to go to Magone Lake for the first time and light a candle for your birthday. Louis threw rocks in the lake and blew out your candle and I wrote your name in a small patch of sand by the water. We found yet another beautiful place to celebrate you sweet boy. 

I wish we could have done more. I always wish that this day was just a little bit longer. 

We all love you so much! Wherever you may be, I hope you feel loved. 

Happy 6th Birthday Gabriel <3

I'm All Done

Shortly after we lost Gabriel, I made the decision to go back to school to become an ultrasound tech. If you've known me awhile, you know the first step of this journey took place awhile ago... about 5 years ago when I took my first pre-requisite class. The plan wasn't to take 5 years to finish school, but with life throwing us some curve balls along the way, it took a bit longer than I had expected.

Even though it took me a few years to get to this point, I have finally ended my journey, taking the final step yesterday. Yesterday was the last day of my clinical experience which means I have concluded my education. I can't say it was always easy, but I feel blessed for the experience and proud to have accomplished something in honor of Gabriel.

I wanted to make a difference in the world so that his legacy could live on through me. Though one long journey has come to an end, I know this is really just the beginning. I have a lot more to accomplish and am excited to see what the future holds. I know it won't be easy but I feel confident that this is what I'm meant to do with my life.

Remembering Baby Poppy

...Today, yesterday and every single day for the past four years. I honor your brief life by living mine to the fullest. It fills me with sorrow to know how much you have missed and to know that our family will always be missing a piece. Your life has taught me to appreciate my life in a whole new way and for that I will forever be grateful to you.

Happy Birthday Poppy!

Love, Mommy, Daddy and Louis

My Five Year Old

So now, we've reached five years. Five. Years.

Even though every year we celebrate your birthday, mourn your loss, reflect on the day I gave birth to you, this year seems different. This time it feels like I've reached some kind of milestone. Like I've passed the test of grief. The test of time. 

It's been five whole years and I still think about you, wish you were here, miss you... I haven't shed a tear in awhile, or really sat with my grief or pain. Things are just too crazy and hectic now. And truthfully, I feel like I've earned a little period of peace. 

But five. Wow. 

You'd be in kindergarten this year. You'd be so independent and smart. There would be hardly any of that baby left in you. I can't even conjure up an image of what life would be like. But somehow I still miss it and yearn for it.  

You'd be five years old today sweet boy. 

Happy Birthday! Wherever you are, I hope you know today is the most special of days. I love you! 

Three Years Ago

It's strange how a certain date can feel like yesterday and also like a lifetime ago. Some days it almost feels like it was in a different lifetime, like I was a completely different person. Other days I remember it so clearly like it just happened, rather than a distant memory. Part of me wishes I could go back three years and cherish the few weeks I had with you. Part of me just wants to look ahead and be grateful for everything I have. The truth is I remember that day being scary and sad. I remember feeling helpless and hopeless. Now I feel stronger and happier. I have so much now and yet I will never forget the day I lost you, one of my precious children. I will never fully be able to move forward without you. I will never be able to forget you. I will never want to forget you or the hope you once brought me or the immense joy I experienced when I first learned that I was chosen to be your mama. I thought you were the answer to all my prayers. And in a way, you were. Your brother is the one who ultimately became the child I always wanted, but you my sweet Poppy are the child I never knew I wanted. The child who I will always cherish, always love, always wish I could know better. I will always be proud and feel blessed to be your mama.

Happy Birthday in Heaven sweet baby! You are deeply missed and treasured always!

Four.

When I imagine you now, I see you playing soccer with your dad, learning your ABCs in preschool, coming home and asking millions of questions about how the world works. I think about all of the conversations we would be having and what kind of brother you would be to Louis. Sometimes I try to conjure up an image of a four year old version of you. I picture your round face, your bright smile, and all the little things about you that make you unique and special.

I think about all the different people you could have been. And I wonder if I'll ever know the real you or if I'll ever truly be able to understand just how immense this loss is. Will I ever really know how much I am missing? Will there ever be a time when I have all the answers that I've been seeking for so long?

Four.

Some may say that four years is a considerable passage of time. That everything and anything can change in four years. Others may say that it's barely a season. That it's merely a blink in time. But me... Well, I know only what you have taught me.

That love cannot be measured in time. That true love has no borders. That ultimately, my love for you can never end, but only grow stronger and deeper.

Happy 4th birthday baby boy! I live in a beautiful world because four years ago, I was so very blessed to cross paths with your sweet soul. 

You are so very loved. So very treasured. So very missed.