Leaving 2012

I am both eager and sorry to be leaving 2012.

It is with hope but also with a very heavy heart that I stand at the edge of 2012 and gaze outward towards a new year. I look forward to the unknown opportunities that lay ahead, but at the same time 2013 feels so daunting. Out there in the abyss of the future, I anticipate all that the new year expects of me and at my core, I feel so distressed. The pressure to make this new year a better one is overwhelming and I can't help but worry that more disappointments await me in 2013. I don't know if I have the strength to endure another year of loss and pain, and I'm not prepared to face any more hardship.

2012 has been the most devastating year of my life, but also the most extraordinary and easily the most life-changing. It's the year Gabriel was here with me, but also the year he was taken.

There is so much I wish I could go back and change about this past year, and I hope that there are cleansing waters in the new year that will wash away some of these feelings of regret and guilt.

In 2012, I became pregnant for the first time. I became a mother and my husband became a father. The first 6 1/2 months of 2012 were a sacred gift. I look back upon those days with more joy than words can adequately describe. The last 5 1/2 months were the most difficult and possibly the darkest of my life. We spent those days letting go of our son, remembering him in every way we could think of, and treasuring the memories we have of him. In so many ways, the last 5 1/2 months are just as meaningful as the first 6 1/2. Now that they're over, I'm sad to be walking away from all 12 months.

In 2013, I would love to become pregnant again. But of course I fear another loss and I worry that a healthy baby is not part of God's plan for us. I fear failure. I fear death. I fear that we will not be blessed and that the stork will fly past our home. I fear what will happen to my heart if that were to happen. And I want. I want another baby. I want to hold and nourish a brand new life. I want to feel those precious and beautiful kicks. But mostly, I hope. I hope that 2013 will be a year I can always look back on as the year we were blessed with a healthy baby. I hope that 2013 is a happy year. I hope.

I look back over the past year and I can't help but feel like my life stood still for an entire year. I don't see any progress, any accomplishments, any goals attained. I turned 30 in 2012 and I hate that I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at the age of 30. I thought I would have more (living) children by now. I thought I would be in the middle of a career, instead of at the end of one and the beginning of another. I thought 30 would be a good year, an easy year, a simple, normal, average year. Instead, I've learned that it's not enough to think, to expect, to want, to plan. Life is a giant curve ball. There is so little we have control over. And that is the lesson I have learned in 2012.

In 2013, I will be taking the first steps towards the above-mentioned new career. I am plenty motivated, but have so many deep-seated worries and part of me doesn't believe I can achieve what I've set out to do. I'm not sure why I have these doubts, but I pray that in time, they will be replaced with courage and some kind of understanding that I have made the right choice. I hope that this new career helps me to heal and that it forever serves to remind me of who I have become because Gabriel was once here. I trust that the Lord will help me realize this dream and that he has placed it on my heart with good reason.

In 2013, I see the potential for so many wonderful things and my heart is filled with faith. I am grateful that God has allowed us another year. I know it is a gift.

But still, how can I not be sad to leave my sweet little baby behind in 2012. This was his year and it pains me to see it end. I worry that as time ticks on, the world will forget him and that my memories will slowly fade. They're all I have left of him and I can't bear the thought of even them being stolen from me. I pray that I will never ever forget the details and moments that made 2012 so special.

I wish I could stay here a little longer. Reflect and soak in the past year for a few more days. Can't I just linger here in the transition from the year I had with Gabriel and the year that offers new hope and new life? Can't I stand with one foot firmly planted in 2012 and the other hesitantly hovering over the cusp of 2013? Can't time just stop and give those of us who lost our precious children in 2012 a little more time to remain behind?

Because I'm not sure that I'm quite ready to leave yet.


~Remembering Gabriel and all the babies who left this world in 2012. The past may hold the days they were here with us, but the future holds the eternity that we will spend with them in Heaven.~

 

Merry Christmas Gabriel

For Christmas this year, we asked friends and family to commit random acts of kindness in memory of Gabriel. At first, I was saddened and a little disappointed because some of the people I assumed would participate chose not to. But then as I laid out all the cards and printed out each of the emails I realized that for every person who I  was expecting to participate but didn't, someone completely unexpected did. My heart was warmed by all of the wonderful people who committed and shared random acts of kindness in memory of my sweet boy. We read each one aloud as a family (me, my husband and my parents) and then commented on how beautiful and generous each act was.

I feel so blessed to be able to say that we received a lot of really lovely notes. Some people gave money or bought meals for the homeless, others helped friends or family, and some donated to charities like St. Jude's. One friend even decided to forgive her father and get in touch with him after several years of being estranged. Every act committed was so significant and it brought me so much comfort and joy to know that these good deeds were done because other people had been inspired by Gabriel to spread kindness. We are both so very grateful to everyone for thinking of our baby and making our Christmas special this year. 

My husband and I decided to also take part in Gabriel's Stocking Project. As our act of kindness we chose not to exchange gifts this year and instead donated to a few of the charities that have helped us or other babyloss parents. This was our little way of giving back to a community that has been so supportive. 

In Gabriel's memory, we donated to Faith’s Lodge because we hope that every parent who loses a child has the opportunity to find healing at a place as special as Faith's Lodge. In memory of Gabriel's great-grandfather, we donated to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep because we all know how valuable pictures of our angels are. In memory of Gabriel's aunt (my sister), we contributed to Molly Bears and in memory of the 20 children who lost their lives at Sandyhook Elementary, we made a donation to The Compassionate Friends. Lastly, in memory of all the babies who now dance with Gabriel in Heaven and who are so desperately missed here on Earth, we gave back to Project Sweet Peas, an organization that has provided us with comfort by making a memory box for Gabriel.

Though part of me feels so fortunate to have a son that has inspired extraordinary kindness this Christmas and to have friends and loved ones who care so much about Gabriel, there's a much (MUCH) greater part of me who wishes more than anything that Gabriel had been here instead. I can't help but look at the Christmas cards of families with babies and small children, and think that we should have had that this year also. We should have stood in front of our Christmas tree holding our new baby. We should have filled his stocking with baby toys and pacifiers. This should have been the happiest Christmas of our lives. Instead, Christmas this year was yet another reminder of how much potential has been lost, how many joyous moments will never be lived and how many precious memories will never be made. How truly so much has been stolen from us.

I wish on Christmas, we could all have our children back for just one day. I'd rather have him in my arms for a minute than receive all of the presents in the world. I look forward to the first Christmas I get to spend in Heaven with Gabriel, my sister and all the beautiful children waiting for us to join them around the most spectacular Christmas tree ever.

Merry Christmas Gabriel! I hope you had a beautiful Christmas in Heaven with Jesus and all your little friends.

Italy Vacation Photo Journal

For those of you wondering how our vacation went, it wasn't nearly as bad (or sad) as I was expecting it to be.

The weather was freezing, but also very sunny and surprisingly there was no wind or snow, which is unusual especially during winter.

We were very busy the entire time as this trip was only 1 week long. We spent most of the time with family and friends in Genova, but one day we were able to go to Cinqueterre which was beautiful. Of course, the entire time I missed Gabriel and everywhere there were things that reminded me of him. I often found myself wishing he could have been there with us, but it made me feel better to do nice things to remember him.


Here is a photo journal of our vacation (specifically the parts that included Gabriel)... I apologize for the length but I'm kind of a picture fanatic.

Genova, Italy
December 6 - December 12, 2012

THURSDAY:

We arrived in Milan after 16 hours of traveling! (I've taken this trip so many times and it never gets any easier)

For fun, we drove to Como and were planning to spend the day there, but since we couldn't find anywhere to eat that was open and it was freezing, we ended up just walking around for about an hour.

Before we left, we wanted to write Gabriel's name some way. There were tons of autumn leaves on the ground so we decided to write his name on a leaf and then drop it into the lake. I really like to do things that symbolize that he has returned to the earth.

Then we went for a walk around the park and I just happened to notice a corner of the lake (Lake Como) where the water had receded, uncovering a small patch of sand. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited that I ran to find a stick so I could write Gabriel's name in the sand. (I'm a little obsessed with writing his name in the sand.)

FRIDAY:

We spent the day relaxing with Corrado's parents as we slowly acclimated to the time difference. We went downtown for some quick shopping and while there, we decided to go to San Lorenzo Cathedral and light a candle for Gabriel.

SATURDAY:

We had a small party with close friends and family in honor of Gabriel. It was held at a restaurant on the sea and everyone we invited came, so we ended up with a pretty big group of people. We had a "family style" lunch and for dessert we shared a cake that we made and also one that we bought (ours didn't turn out that great, so we brought a back-up.)

Gabriel's grandparents had the bakery write his name on top of a Sacher cake. It was really beautiful. Unfortunately I didn't take a very good picture.

After lunch, we gathered outside on the beach for a balloon release. We spelled out Gabriel's name using 7 balloons and a different person held each letter. It was so special to do something as a group to remember Gabriel. I'm so touched that everyone wanted to participate.

After taking a few photos, we released the balloons along with several others.

It was such a sweet surprise to see them drift out over the sea. Usually there is a strong wind that comes from the sea (and by usually, I mean always), but that afternoon it was so calm and the balloons were able to float freely over the water.

After everyone left, we stayed to watch the sunset. It had been such a gorgeous sunny day and watching the sunset was the perfect way to end the day.

SUNDAY:

We took the train to Cinqueterre. As soon as we got off the train in Monterosso, we crossed the street and unexpectedly discovered this beautiful beach.

We weren't planning to write names in the sand at this beach (originally we were going to go to Santa Margherita), but we figured it would be difficult to find a beach as perfect as this one, so we spent the next 30 minutes writing names in the sand.

It was such a lovely sunny day and the sea was so calm, I can't help but believe that Gabriel was there with us.

I really wish we could have written more names, but since we weren't planning on writing names at all, we were limited by time. Now that we know about this beach, I'd love to go back during our next trip and write more names.

After spending a couple hours in Monterosso, we took the train to the next town, Vernazza, which is my favorite of the 5 Cinqueterre towns. Isn't it beautiful?

We accidentally ended up climbing up to Castle Doria which was lucky for us. From Castle Doria (located at the top of the cliff), you can see the entire coast of Cinqueterre and the view of the sea is endless.

We thought that watching the sunset from up there would be gorgeous, but decided instead to go down to the beach.  Like most of the beaches in this part of Italy, it was covered in rocks (as you can see above).

We gathered a few white rocks and spelled out Gabriel's name and photographed it just as the sun was setting.

MONDAY:

We went to the cemetery to visit Corrado's grandfather, great-grandmother and high school friend. It took us awhile as the cemetery is huge (a little more than a square kilometer).

As we were walking around, we stumbled across the baby section. It was so heartbreaking to see the headstones of so many babies, especially the matching headstones of triplet babies who had just recently grew their angel wings. I imagined their parents coming to the cemetery to bury their 3 babies and I realized how deeply I knew that pain. As a BLM, it's impossible to not ache for all of the other babyloss parents out there missing their precious children.

Saying a special prayer for all the sweet angels buried at Cimitero monumentale di Staglieno.

TUESDAY:

We went to the local church near Corrado's parents' house in Genova. Inside, there is this beautiful altar and church members can light candles and leave small pictures of their deceased loved ones.

After Gabriel died, Corrado's parents added a photo of him next to the photo of Corrado's maternal grandfather. It's such a precious reminder that they are together in Heaven.

Before we left, we lit a small candle for Gabriel and his great-grandfather.

Then we walked down to the shore to see the sunset and since the sea was calm, we wrote Gabriel's name in the sand. (See, I'm obsessed!)

WEDNESDAY (our last day):

We spent our last evening in Genova at the beach. We thought it would be nice to write baby names on sea stones and photograph them at sunset. Again, I wish we could have written more names, but unfortunately it took awhile to photograph each name and before we knew it 2 hours had passed and the sun was gone.

We didn't have time to photograph Gabriel's sea stone, so I'm just going to share a couple pictures of the sunset.

We left all the stones on the shore as the tide was rising so that within a few hours they would be taken by the sea. 

Afterthoughts:Though I was anxious to go on this trip, I'm happy we went. This vacation made me realize how easy it is to find Gabriel in the beauty of the world. I think of him whenever I witness a glorious sunset, whenever a balloon floats up to the sky, and whenever the waves of the sea roar and calm. It doesn't matter where I am in the world, somehow, we always manage to find each other.<3 Gabriel <3

A Lovesong Dedicated to Gabriel

Yesterday was Gabriel's 5 month birthday and I wanted to do something special for him since his birthday falls so close to Christmas this month. I decided to request that a Christmas song be dedicated to him on one of the radio stations here in L.A. that plays lovesong dedications every night. When I sent in my request, I asked that they play his song on the 19th and I was so excited that they did. I feel so blessed to be given the opportunity to send out this beautiful Christmas song to Gabriel and to hear his name spoken on the radio.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy 5 month birthday Gabriel! Hoping your day was special and that your Christmas in Heaven will be a peaceful and happy one. We miss you so much and wish more than anything that you could be with us this holiday season.

This lovesong was played on the radio just for you Amore Mio...




Slideshow Video featuring the Christmas song "Merry Christmas Darling."
(Aired on KOST 103.5, Los Angeles, July 19, 2012 ~ 10:21 P.M.)

Sandy Hook's 20 Children, Forever In Our Hearts

As a BLM, I know all too well how quickly everything can change. Your world can fall apart in a split second. A single moment can alter your entire future. One day life is great, carefree and simple. Then out of nowhere, you're sideswiped by crippling devastation. Your child is gone. Your life will never be the same again.

Praying for all of the families of the children who were sadly killed yesterday at Sandy Hook Elementary School. May they one day be comforted by the faith that their precious children are with the Lord. 

Forever remembering the 20 beautiful children who sadly grew their angel wings on 12/14/2012 in Newtown, Connecticut: 

Charlotte Bacon

Daniel Barden

Olivia Engel

Josephine Gay

Ana M. Marquez-Greene

Dylan Hockley

Madeleine F. Hsu

Catherine V. Hubbard

Chase Kowalski

Jesse Lewis

James Mattioli

Grace McDonnell

Emilie Parker

Jack Pinto

Noah Pozner

Caroline Previdi

Jessica Rekos

Avielle Richman

Benjamin Wheeler

Allison N. Wyatt

You will never be forgotten little ones.

This Little Dream of Mine

Today I registered for my first class.

Since I'm a new student, I think my registration date was towards the end, so there weren't a lot of classes available. I'm also unsure of exactly which classes I should be taking and in which order, so in January, I will need to schedule a meeting with a counselor to get more information. But since today was my registration date and classes fill up quickly, I had to sign up for something.

So...

The only class I was able to register for was Computer Systems, which seems like it will be easy enough and I suppose it is relevant to my major (Diagnostic Medial Sonography). Even if it's boring, it's a requirement, and at least now I'll be able to get it out of the way early on. I'm also wait-listed for Biology which I'm praying I get into... I really need that class. It's a pre-requisite for several other classes that I would like to take in the Fall. Just in case I don't get into Biology, I also wait-listed for Human Communication which sounds awful, but again it's required and I may as well try to get it out of the way now. I'd hate to just take one class, so let's all cross our fingers that someone decides to drop Biology (and that they decide to remove Human Communication from the list of required classes).

I am really excited and even a little relieved to have started this process...at least to have gotten the ball rolling to making this little dream of mine slowly become a reality. I know there's a very long road ahead of me and I will have to dedicate the majority of the next 2-3 years to classes and studying, but for now I'm just going to take a deep breath and focus on taking it one day at a a time. I will have plenty of opportunities in the future to feel completely overwhelmed and freak out. Today is all about realizing that dreams only come true if you're willing to do what it takes to work for them. It's not going to be easy, but I really want this and I'm truly looking forward to all that this experience forces out of me.

This little dream of mine is inspired by Gabriel and I shall carry him in my heart every step of the way.

It officially begins February 4, 2013!

I hope you're all looking forward to reading stories about my Computer Systems class :)

Our First Family Vacation

It's almost time for us to leave on our vacation. This is the first vacation (besides Faith's Lodge), that we've taken since Gabriel. For the majority of my pregnancy, we were both busy working and then I was on bed rest for the last few weeks. Then Gabriel died and planning a vacation just didn't land high on the list of priorities.

Planning this trip has been so bittersweet.

For many reasons, I am happy to be going. We get to see our family and friends that we haven't seen in a couple years. We can eat the world's greatest pizza and focaccia. I'm looking forward to the party we're having in Gabriel's honor. We're going to make a special cake for him and release balloons with friends and family. We're going to write his name in the sand close to the house where Gabriel's daddy grew up. And that will be special.

Christmas will surely be in the air everywhere we go. Nobody celebrates Christmas like Italy celebrates Christmas. If you've never been there during the holidays, it's something you should add to your bucket list. They really go all-out there. And not in the commercial-corporate-mustbuymore- kind of way that we have here in the U.S. They just really love Christmas over there and I'm excited to be a part of that.

But of course, I can't help but feel that Gabriel should be going with us. I am sad that he will be with us only in our hearts during this vacation. Had everything gone according to plan, he would be 2 months old now. We'd be that couple struggling to get through the security line at the airport with a stroller and an overstuffed baby bag. I'd be that new mama on the plane trying to console an infant screaming at the top of his lungs during take-off.

Instead, it will just be the two of us... no strollers, no bottles, no fussy baby. Just two people easily passing through security with only boarding passes and passports to worry about. There will be no new baby to show off to our family and friends. There will be no grandchild to hand off to his grandparents at the airport. Only memories, thoughts, wishes, and the occasional mention of his name.

And then there's the fact that Gabriel will never know Italy. He'll never travel to the land that was in his blood. He'll never have the chance to step foot on the soil where his ancestors once roamed, where his great grandparents lived and died, where his daddy grew up and his parents traveled across together.

Once again, he is missing so much and we are left only missing him.

Will it ever be possible to take a family vacation without being heartbroken that such a significant piece of our family is missing?

*sigh*

This should have been our first family vacation.

Unfortunately instead, it's our first Missing-A-Precious-Member-Of-Our-Family Vacation.

The Moon and the Sea (Genova, Italy)

Gabriel's Name and Belated Thanks

Thank you to the following BLMs for taking the time to write Gabriel's name in such a special way. I just love seeing his name written by others. It is such a sweet reminder that others think about him too and that he is remembered here on earth. I am blessed to have met so many amazing women and to not just have these items, but to have made such meaningful friendships.


Thank you Heidi for embroidering Gabriel's name and footprints on his precious blanket. There are truly no words to describe how much I treasure this. I know this took quite a bit of time and I'm so grateful!

Thank you Kyla at Tossie's Tree and Painted Rocks for painting Gabriel's name on a rock and photographing it so BEAUTIFULLY at sun rise. I feel so lucky to have met you.

Thank you Anna at Alanna Phoebe's Clay Names for being such a supportive friend and for taking the time to write Gabriel's name with clay. This is so creative and I really appreciate that you introduced Gabriel to your children.

Remembering Jamie Lynn, Tossie Adaline and Alanna Phoebe <3

Gabriel's Christmas Stocking Project

I've been searching for a special way to remember Gabriel this Christmas and stumbled upon this great idea on Franchesca's Small Bird Studios blog. Another baby loss family came up with the wonderful idea of asking friends and family to commit random acts of kindness in memory of their daughter. They asked everyone to write down their acts of kindness. Then they filled their daughter's Christmas stocking with all of the notes and emails and waited until Christmas morning to read them.

We love knowing that Gabriel is making a difference in the world, so we thought this would be the perfect way to remember him this Christmas.

If you have a moment, please visit our project webpage.

We're asking everyone to participate if possible!

Thank you so much :)

More Than Just Money?

The other day I went to the beach to release flowers. To avoid walking across the entire beach in the sand, I decided to take a different path to the shore than I normally do. I didn't think much of my decision until I stumbled upon a dollar bill, half-buried in the sand. At first, I thought maybe it was a sign of some kind. What are the odds of finding a dollar in the sand at the beach? As I walked towards the sea, I convinced myself that it was just insignificant luck. A couple weeks ago I found a 5 dollar bill in the parking lot of the gym, so I just chalked it up to being a lucky month.

Later, when I arrived at home, I began thinking about the dollar bill. I just couldn't shake the possibility that it meant something. After all, I did find it on the same beach where I saw a rainbow on Gabriel's due date. I looked at the bill more carefully and was surprised to see that the Federal Reserve number printed on the bill was 7 and the Federal Reserve Seal letter was G. I couldn't find anything special about the numbers in the serial number but the first letter was G and the last letter was F. Gabriel's initials are G.F. and 7 is both the number of months he was here on earth and the number of his birth month, July.

I then looked at the bill more carefully. I noticed a blue ink stain on the upper edge, but that didn't seem significant. The number 1, George Washington, The United States of America, A4, and Chicago... all insignificant.

I was about to give up hope that my dollar bill was a sign or had any special meaning.

What meaning could a dollar bill have anyways? It's practical not meaningful. It's just currency. A piece of cloth. Something people lose and find everyday. It was truly just a dollar bill and nothing more.

Just when I was about to fold it up and put it in my piggy bank, something caught my eye... the words at the very top: "Federal Reserve Note."

I had it wrong the whole time.

I kept calling it a bill, when really...

It's a note.

:)

I Am Thankful

To be honest, I didn't really feel like celebrating Thanksgiving this year. The idea of gathering with family and seeing that empty place at the dinner table where Gabriel should have been, would just be another sad reminder that so much is missing from our lives. The thought of adding turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie to the long list of things that Gabriel is missing out on, was just much to bear. I considered just removing this day altogether from my calendar, just skipping over it by staying in bed all day...

But then I realized something. Thanksgiving isn't about the food and the dinner table. It's not about focusing on what is missing from our lives. It's about giving thanks, and not out of obligation for the holiday, but because we have so much to be thankful for. It's about allowing are appreciation to mold us into better people and to show us the path towards happiness. It's about recognizing that the loss of a loved one does not negate the love that always remains in our hearts.

So today, I celebrate all that I am thankful for. Every day of my life has been an opportunity to experience joy, beauty and love, and for that I am thankful. For the gift of a wonderful family, I am thankful. For those who have touched my heart, I am thankful. For the many blessings that I have been eternally granted and for the precious treasures that were lent only for a moment, I am thankful.

And for my beautiful Gabriel, I am so truly thankful. 

Remembering Our Babies... on Christmas

This year will be my first Christmas as a BLM :(

For me, it's really important that as a family we include Gabriel on Christmas. 

I'm planning on making him a stocking or ordering one personalized with his name. Everyone in our family has a special stocking and I want Gabriel to have one too. 

I'm also making Christmas ornaments with his name on them. I'm going to try to photograph his ornaments when we go to Italy next month. If there's snow, I was thinking it might be pretty to hang them on a tree outside. Then I can give them to family and friends as Christmas gifts. 

I was wondering what everyone else is planning to do for Christmas. 

Does anyone have any ideas for special ways to remember our babies during the holidays?

Four Months

It's officially been four months.

Four months of time now separate me and the day my son died.

I don't know if these four months went by fast or not. I don't know if I'm where I'm supposed to be four months after the loss of a baby. In so many ways, time has helped me to heal. The pain is not as fresh as it used to be. The tears are fewer each week. I still hurt. I still miss him. But I'm dealing with his loss. I'm living my life without him. I'm not really moving forward so much as I'm drifting in a river that is carrying me with its current.

Part of me is glad that time is pushing me along. Moving me away from the pain, away from the unbearable, devastating, tremendous loss that I experienced four months ago. But another part of me wishes I didn't have to move on. I'd actually like to go backward. I'd like to go back to that day, spend just one more day with him.

A few more moments, another set of memories.

If it were possible to have a Groundhog Day type of experience and to wake up everyday and repeat Gabriel's birthday over and over again, I think I would choose that option.

I'm relieved that as humans we don't get to make that choice. Because I think so many of us would remain in the past, permanently stuck there, instead of here in the present where we belong. So many days I ache and long to return to that day four months ago. But I do believe that just around the corner there is something waiting for me. It won't take away the pain of losing my son. It won't make me forget him. It won't be the magic answer to all my questions. But that's okay. Because I've learned to live with the pain and I don't want to forget and I'm not so convinced that any answer will make me feel better anyways.

Everyday is an opportunity to stay in the past, live in the present or look forward to the future. Not everyday is about taking steps forward. Some moments should be about the past, the precious memories, the sacred reminiscence that ties us to the past.

But eventually the river will sweep us up. And forward we shall roll...

Happiness

Ever since Gabriel died, everything good that's happened has been tinged with an element of sadness. There are no more happy moments... there is only bittersweet. I have experienced happiness, but every time I laugh or smile, deep down I am shedding a tear because Gabriel is not laughing and smiling with me. He should be, but he's not here and even if his life in Heaven is nothing but joyous, I'm not a part of it. And really, what is the point of happiness if you can't share it with the people you love? It's just not the same.

My happiness is no longer pure. It's complicated. It can't even exist without its emotional counterparts: guilt, sorrow, and grief. Happiness no longer fills me up. Instead I feel even more empty if that's even possible. When I laugh, I can't help but be reminded of all of the things that Gabriel is missing out on. He'll never laugh at a funny joke, or smile at a pretty girl. He'll never do that cute baby squeal thing when someone tickles his tummy. He'll never jump for joy or fall out of his seat laughing. He will never know what earthly happiness feels like.

I think as a mother the one thing you always hope is that your children will be happy. It doesn't matter if they have successful jobs or win awards... just as long as they're happy.

I'm so heartbroken that I can't give Gabriel the life of happiness that he should have had. There is just so much I want for him. I don't know if there will ever be a time when I experience a moment of joy without wishing that Gabriel was with me. I don't know if I'll ever truly be able to let go of the guilt that often overshadows the happiness. I suppose the best I can do now is live my life the way I wish Gabriel could have lived his... constantly in search of happiness and always hopeful that the best is yet to come..