Well this is odd. I mean, this…feels….odd.
Four years ago I wrote my last post here.
I’d love to say that the past four years has been rife with personal, professional and all around life success, accolades and flowers / puppies / rainbows / etc….but it hasn’t. Not at all.
Several years ago I walked away from this blog when, for all intents and purposes, my life blew up around me. In short order I was separated and almost divorced, got kicked out of one band and quit the other two, was diagnosed with a progressive degenerative disease, moved out to the suburbs, developed a phobia that almost landed me in a mental health ward more than once, struggled through a job transition and new role that created the worst job stress I’ve ever experienced in my life, and yo yo’ed through more issues and relapses than at any point since my early 20s.
This has been a very hard, difficult, challenging and at times demoralizing last 48 months. There have been times when I honestly though that I was losing myself for good. I know part of my whole ‘persona’ behind the Ironhead character on my blog was a blunt and candid honesty, but there was no way I wanted to share or articulate my thoughts on what I was going through, not even to myself.
Through this all, some rays of sunshine kept me going. Cin and I made the choice to not give up on each other…we started going to therapy together, learning how to deprogram negative patterns of communication that had been with us since we were 17. We spent our 15th wedding anniversary together in Hawaii, two of the best weeks of my life. We followed that up with a couple of weeks in Paris, Provence and Madrid last year…another magical time. We sold our condo (the original purchase of which will go down in our relationship as one of my WORST ideas ever) and fled the suburbs as fast as we could, heading back into the familiar and comforting confines of a small condo in Yaletown. Gradually I started to work on the mental triggers of my phobia – I have a long way to go, but the process has started at least. Lastly, I left the job that was slowly destroying me emotionally and psychologically, and took a position that, although more challenging and demanding, has shown me more upside and greater potential for my future.
There has been a lot of change in my life over the past 16 months in particular. I’ve terminated a number of negative relationships that were, flat out, not to my mental and emotional benefit any longer. I’ve tried to work on myself from a number of different perspectives and angles – meditation, Pilates, yoga, WEMA – none of which really resonated with me. I’ve refined my “fuck it” bucket – now in my mid-40s I’m no longer interested in putting up with the same kind of shit that I willfully accepted a decade ago…hence why the job change came exactly when it did, and even there I find myself less likely to just roll over and say Yes to anyone. At my age I’m now openly challenging and questioning everything, and for such a dyed in the wool introvert (and a very “English” Canadian) that alone has been one of the biggest changes in the past few years.
So now it comes down to the last two items that I really need to address – my personal health and my creative musical output.
The musical output is a harder one to address – I am still very damaged and untrusting of other people with my musical “heart” after having felt so completely betrayed and abandoned by someone that I considered to be one of my closest friends. I’m honestly not sure if I will ever feel fully comfortable again in a band dynamic; there is something I want to try personally but I’m going to work on that privately and will probably not cross that line on my blog here…if anything I’ll need to create a separate persona for that similar to what Trent Reznor did when he created Nine Inch Nails. However, the dust has been blown off of my gear and action is slowly stirring now in that direction, all positives.
The biggest single issue I face now is my personal health. I am staring a crisis straight in the face as I have not been good to myself since I walked away from triathlon. Quite honestly, I’ve missed it. Over the past week and a bit I’ve been reading the new Kindle version of Eric Harr’s bible, Triathlon Training in Four Hours a Week while walking again, trying to get myself accustomed to some sort of physical exercise. It’s been nice to sit down and think about what my life could look like with triathlon back in it. I left a number of goals and dreams on the table when I walked away, and those are now pulling at the edges of my attention.
I’m not naive enough to proclaim in a loud voice “I’M BACK” like I have before. This is going to be a gradual re-entry back into a lifestyle that I know will work well for me, but I’m unsure psychologically if I’m ready to handle it again. We will wait and see.
In the meanwhile though, it’s fun to be back…and it’s nice to reacquaint myself with the guy that I thought I’d lost a long time ago.
Three years ago when I realize how far I’d fallen from my path as a husband, partner, friend, leader, compatriot and colleague, I had two new tattoos added to my body as a birthday present to myself. On the inside of each bicep I’ve inscribed my creed in Latin…a reminder to myself to remember who I am deep down inside and to always forgive myself for the errors that I will inevitably commit in my life.
On my left arm my bicep reads ama te ipsum…love yourself.
On my right…nosce te ipsum.
This is now my quest…to get to know myself – my genuine authentic self – again.
Filed under: grief, health issues, letting go, Mission statement, Personal development, personal morals/ethics, self-discovery, sorrow | Tagged: know yourself, Nosce te ipsum, Personal development | Leave a comment »
Nosce te ipsum, Ironhead... 