I’ve been terribly, inexcusably quiet. I have no words for the love and awe I am in. Our little E was born 6/5. I had some serious complications from my csection but after 9 days in the hospital and a few blood transfusions I am on the mend. Little E is strong and thriving. We are so incredibly thankful. 
11 weeks
Never did I let myself hope to get to this point. Losses have been hard on my heart. We’ve had a few good ultrasounds since my last post here. Today my RE released me and our baby has grown so much. I’m scared still but also full of so much hope. Baby was moving and it was amazing to see.
6w6d ultrasound
We had our first ultrasound a week ago at 5w6d and saw a gestational sac and yolk sac. It was awesome but I was too afraid to post about it because until we saw the heartbeat it just felt too scary. My RE assured me last week that everything looked perfect and there was no point in digging around for a heartbeat.
So today when they inserted the lovely dildo cam it was absolutely amazing to see how much growth has happened the last week. There was this cute little gummy bear blob thing with a heart beating away at 124 bpm. I was overwhelmed and my own heartbeat was pounding in my head but DH could hear baby’s heartbeat!
I’m so amazed and thankful. The fear is still there and very real but I’ll take it day by day. Next u/s is 7w6d and if all is ok we will be released. Which is awesome because I adore my RE but the 2.5 one way drive is for the birds. ❤
Treading lightly
It’s almost impossible to write the words in fear that I’ll somehow jinx myself but y’all I’m pregnant. Miscarriages have broken my heart and robbed me of the ability to just enjoy being pregnant BUT slowly I am letting some of the anxiety go. The bad thing is there is so much anxiety that even letting 1/2 of it go still leaves a shit load of worry and fear. My first beta was 100 at 8dp5dt or the equivalent of 13dpo. Beta #2 was 524 on 12dp5dt or 17dpo equiv. My miscarriage history puts me on a high risk status so I have an early ultrasound 10/31. I’ll be 5w6d then. I’ve never made it as far as I am today at 5w1d because my betas always fell quickly. I’ve been a bit POAS (pee on a stick, for those that don’t know) obsessed and today at 17dp5dt my test has almost stolen all the die from the control line. It’s a beautiful sight when you’ve had nothing but crap lines or lines that fade too fast. So…I’m taking it minute by minute. I’m still on prednisone and twice daily heparin shots to battle my immune system so that it doesn’t kill off the embryo. I am trying to remind myself that these drugs have been proven time and time again to help with immune system infertility. It gives me hope that we may bring this baby home. For today, I am pregnant.
2 embryos!
We transferred 2 blastocysts today. Both great quality. So now the wait begins. I feel like the hard part is over. I’ve maintained a a calmness this time around that has been both refreshing and necessary for my mental health. However, today we were the first transfer. The embryologist was in with a retrieval which meant for an agonizing 20 minutes we had no idea if we even had anything to transfer. They don’t update you from day 3 to day 5. I was a wreck. Terrified. at hey took me back but wouldn’t let me change or take my Valium until they got official word. When that nurse came in and told me to change into the gown I cried tears of relief. It meant we had at least one embryo to transfer. When we heard we had 2 great ones and 2 that they may freeze it was just such a weight off our shoulders. Suddenly my world was zen again and I relaxed. everything moved very quickly from that point on. They did assisted hatching on both embryos so that they have an easier time hatching out of their shell and implanting. They also used embryo glue which is a newish medium that encourages cell growth and implantation. Absolutely fascinating.
The procedures and lab differences between our first RE and current RE are just amazingly different. The professionalism, their staff, the actual embryo lab. All of it. Just so different in a way that makes me know we made a good decision. Nothing can promise us a take home baby but how you feel about the people helping you with that goal is so very important.
So for now, PUPO!!! And so relieved.
IVF #2
We had 13 eggs retrieved and 10 of those were mature. Out of those 10, 7 fertilized normally. I think 70% is a great fertilization rate so I am happy. IVF #1 had a less than 45% fert rate so the 70% this time gives me hope for some better quality eggs. Now we wait. They won’t disturb our embryos today so our next check in will come tomorrow. I am so torn between a 3 day transfer or 5 day transfer. Hell, I just hope we have those options. Isn’t it a little crazy to already feel protective over a bunch of cells in a petri dish? I want them all to thrive and make it for our transfer or make it to freeze. I want to know what color eyes they will have and if they will be boy or girls. I want them to come home with me in 9 months.
Overall this IVF has been leaps and bounds different than our first. I think most of it has to do with me. I’m in better physical and mental shape than before and have a calmness I didn’t last time. I have done everything including changing to a different clinic and RE. I’ve added steroids and heparin to combat the immune issues I have and I understand a little more about what has been going wrong. Knowledge is strength right?
There are never any guarantees so I take heart in the small things and remember to be thankful for all that is beautiful in my life. That’s something I couldn’t manage during IVF #1.
Under Conceiver 