Late last year, I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD.)
I thought I was just tired and stressed out from work, our new business, this pandemic and other personal matters.
There were many signs (that I did not give enough attention to because work is life nga diba?)
- I CRY alot! Hindi normal. Umiiyak bigla habang nag aalmusal, magigising ng madaling araw at iiyak, biglang iiyak habang nagmamaneho, iiyak habang nasa zoom meeting. Of course it made me think and examine, I made myself believe that I was just too pressured at work.
- I am always ANGRY! Galit sa gobyerno, galit sa trabaho, galit sa buhay. Well, hindi naman bago, I am easily annoyed specially at work, I easily get annoyed with lousy workmates but what made me think twice of what is happening to me is when I cannot control my emotions anymore; I became too aggressive to the point that I started being disrespectful to my bosses during zoom meetings, I embarrass teammates in viber groups. I literally have no control over my emotions. Ang lala!
- NO SLEEP! Again, not normal. Weeks to almost a month, I CANNOT SLEEP! I was just staring at the ceiling and waiting for morning to come… only to want to sleep the whole day.
- Dahil walang tulog, NO ENERGY during daytime. Being the workaholic person that I know I am, I am NEVER late for work! But during this time, I did not mind being late and most days, I filed for emergency leave just because I do not feel getting out of my bed. (Opo, work from home pero ayoko pa din!)
- HYPERVENTILATION. Google niyo nalang ano ‘yun.
- Being an advocate for mental health even before this, it broke my heart more and I felt hopeless when I started thinking of hurting myself…eventually, ended up actually hurting myself. Hindi pala madaling hindi isipin, hindi madali.
After several check ups and psychotherapy sessions, I was diagnosed with Major Depression and GAD. I was told to take antipsychotics, Xanor (for my GAD) and antidepressants. Few months into following prescriptions and attending therapy sessions, I felt more lifeless. The little passion and fire left within me slowly vanished. All I wanted to do is to SLEEP and I did sleep for days, weeks even.
After 2 months of sick leave from my work, I resigned. I resigned from a company which I treated as my second home for 8 years. Nagsisisi ba ko? Honestly, hindi ko alam pero pinapaniwala ko ang sarili ko araw-araw na hindi.
During my sessions, I learned that I was struggling for a very long time already (so kung nababasa niyo ‘yung mga lumang entry ko dito, hindi pala siya “feels” lang LOL.) The severity of my mental health problem (or as most categorized it as disorder) is the result of many incidences from my toddler years to teenager to professional. Sobrang dami but it all boils down to questioning my worth because (as unveiled by my psychiatrist,) I kept on tying my worth to things outside myself – school, family, friends, ex-boyfriends, work, money, status…and all of those things are imperfect which eventually resulted to my brokenness.
My takeaway from all this (I hope this can help anyone who is struggling too):
- No amount of money is worth your well-being.
- You should take care of yourself first. YOU ARE YOUR PRIORITY.
- Listen to your body. Learn how to rest.
- People can be harsh and judgmental. Cut those people off. YOU DO NOT NEED THEM!
- FORGIVE YOURSELF.
- See a professional (I wish I had the courage to go earlier)
- YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Talk to somebody. Someone will listen.
- PRAY.
And for me, I am taking it one day at a time.
As they say, the only way to go from here is up….hopefully.
Straight from a Puzzled Mind & a Restless Heart 