A free curfew.

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Curfew outside

Freedom disguised with prison on the inside

Mother and daughter both sit beside each other

Few true words exchanges,

Although not too much time remains.

Movie playing on the T.V

Music playing in the headphones

Silence is all what I hear

And that makes the words in my head even louder

Thirsty but won’t get up to drink

Hungry but nothing nice to eat

Stuck on the couch like a person without a choice

All the house is never enough

People seem to live years in the same spot

I wonder who is on the street

I wonder if I can go to the street

Walk by the emptiness and feel proud

Walk and watch all those people in their house

And then I would wonder like I always do

Thinking who is happy, and who is not

And why would you be happy, and why would you not

And then I would walk back home

Without any answers, of course

But I am starting to accept that

I want to accept that

Not everything is meant to be figured out

There are just some questions that can’t hold an answer

just like how i feel now

I feel like there are question marks in me,

not normal blood vessels and veins

All the dots that lie behind the question marks are tickling me

tickling me in a way that doesn’t make me laugh

nor cry

but just sit still

like the ceiling above my head will burst with something that would make me know it all

I feel it all but understand too little

I wanna know the causes

I wanna know all the whys

I want to know me

I want to know you, Universe

You would tell me about anything

But be ware, ill ask you about everything

And i hope to God you can give me something.

 

”Everyday I wake up and its sunday, whatever’s in my eye won’t go away.

Then maybe tomorrow will be monday, and whatever’s in my eye should go away.”

Serve God, love, and mend.

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This clarity

I want it to stay

This is incredible feeling of faith

I want it to be like roots planted in me, the kind of roots that can never be pulled out

This rightness

This purposefulness

We are here for Him

By Him

With Him

I found peace in this state of mind

I don’t want to over think it

I don’t want to feel it is here because it is the only thing I can hold on to

Because this ain’t true

I shall silent you, demons

This is what is right

And this is how I want to live

I want to live through his light

By his light

I want to radiate love

Contsant unsatisfication is a disease

And i have been ill

Not only by that

but with many other diseases that I caused with my own two hands

That I have created in my own head

With the help of the demons

With the help of the past pains

Its been so long

I don’t want to lose it this time

This is how I want to live

This is how I want to do it.

Forgive me for all the time I have wasted not realizing that it all comes down to that.

We are here for you,

And this is truer than true.

I shall sigh no more, I shall not philosophize it

I shall not ask why we exist

Because now I know

Right now, I realize.

Screw an educational system that controls my free will.

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Okay

Here I sit on the couch and wonder

What to do with a subject that makes no sense

In a country that makes no sense

not to me

and not to anyone else

Nothing makes sense

Because of how it is making me study it

Here I sit om the couch and wonder how to motivate myself

Would study it as a mission for God?

Or do I study as a challenge like one of Dr. house’s

None of the ways I invent work

So I stop and sit still and look up to the ceiling

What to do I am not gonna fail

This is too hard, I am in despair

You’ve been studying it for 6 months, and me, I will do it in only 6 days

It seems like the world is coming to an end

with the ticking clock, I am afraid it is too soon

Although I quite know that this too shall pass

Because this thing can’t possibly drive me that mad

I sit and write this down

Like I will have some sort of an idea, a miracle

But there are miracles

But I believe that God did this for a reason

But now I wonder how to study it

Life is more than this

But right now all I have is this

Seems like this subject is a ship

And the water is in the level of my body, covering me to my neck

Too paralyzed to move

Heavy water surrounding me

No ways of survival but swimming through the currents of time

So I have to swim non stop

I have to swim until the clocks stops it tick tocks

Only then I shall find out

If I made it through, or if I have drowned

But either way I don’t want to regret

Because it is not entirely my fault, I comprehend

I don’t want to feel what could I have done

God forgives the sinner, in the big sins

So I am sure He might as well forgive me for this

knowing that it has not been entirely my will

So let me swim right from this second

Like a brand new start

All I have to do is not to get distracted

Even if there are beautiful fish in the water I am sinking in

Can’t look down to them or else I will drown

Have to keep my head up, pointing to the skies

Imagine all the sharks that could eat me

It is not only beautiful creatures down there.

Screw this country, screw the educational system of this country, screw how they control my free will.

Screw how you control my future by non sense shit

Greatness for us students who endure, for us people who survive

Greatness for the clean politicians who still try

Greatness for the people who try to change the world beneath their feet, despite all the odds.

Losing all hope is freedom.

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when you lose all hope, you become free. You reach the point where there is nothing you can feel, peaceful, nothingness. You become free to from everything and everyone, you stop caring and nothing hurts anymore. You become attached to the ground and know that it doesnt matter whether you reach the sky or not. Cause its unrealistic anyway. You become free of anything that holds you whether backwards or forwards. You feel neither happiness nor sadness. only clearness.

Remember dear me

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Don’t cry

Don’t ache

we can always come back

If we want to

Don’t be nostalgic already

don’t store the memories

Don’t bury it deep

we can always come back if we want to

Don’t make your eyes a camera

or do

but don’t ache

embrace it

because you do embrace it

Remember everyone

What you have learnt

remember that in this six months you have really grown

since your 18th birthday

which happened on the 2nd day you came here

You have grown here like it is your birth place

your mind has learnt what it could not in 7 years

Don’t worry we can always come back

If we want to

remember

remember to remember

don’t forget to remember

but let go if you should

it is okay

you can cry a bit

you will feel better

look back at it and smile

don’t look back in anger one day

never do

you love this

I am writing this

remember

that you are here

now

sitting on this couch

mom is in front me

talking about all the goodbyes

to me

with me

the experiences

Oh God I can’t believe we are going back

Oh God I can’t comprehend

I am really actually leaving

And I might never come back

But we can always come back if we want to

Unless we die

then we will go everywhere

maybe

Remember

I am here

now

in this place

going back

and I loved this

and I regret all what I had to regret

Because everything was worth it

And I shouldn’t have ached

not even a second

but here is to the lesson learnt

here is what to what might happen

Where ~ What ~ who ~ how ~ hello ?

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Brown violins

Old piano

Girl playing

Crowd clapping

Thoughts in the air

Worlds inside the world

Ambitions

hopes

despair

misery

Youth looking at the old

old looking at the youth

seeking identity

what I am, not who I am

music loud

thoughts distracted

drown in the notes

the melody is your awaken comma

face your soul

talk to your heart

hear what it has to say

right from the start

now clap again

wish if they were here

with you

or wish if they never existed in the first place

so, how are you?

oh what a useless question

you are too many things

combined together

wishing if they were one

if they were one with the world

oness between us

unity and peace

I can’t

hold my heart in the palms of your hands

but not my hands

back to the music

where it all starts

where it all ends

and I am lost in between

and I am not even singing.

~

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A bus driver that is a writer

Writes fiction and creates creatures

All day long he would live in his head

Roads would give him the inspiration

Create, create

This is the only way out

Hey wife I am back,

lets go write our heart out

lets write all day and all night

lets write till our time is done

but then reality comes crawling in

oh damn, we have to go sleep there is work waiting

the words we write are not made of gold

we can’t sell them

but maybe we will

one day

and then we would tour the world

we would not be too old

our hearts never rust

look at us baby, now we are famous

look at us baby, now we are inspiring them

we are giving them a way out

we created a fiction that would make them escape it all

like how when we wrote it we would forget about it all

look at us baby

I am only dreaming

but hey who knows

we might just have it all

I’ve got my imagination and I’ve got you baby

We’ve got our creatures and the 8 planets

With no internet and no type writer

with only blank pages and ink

we will have it all

*inspired from my one hour long conversation with the bus driver, true events, true story. The baby is his wife who inspires him a lot, he says. And help him a lot more.

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You will be lucky if you have him as your teacher

And even luckier if you have him as a friend.

He will teach you what it is all about without even intentionally doing it

You will learn how to laugh

You will learn how important it is to laugh

To find a way out

He will teach you that learning is not a task, but an enjoyable journey

He will open your eyes to things you look at but never see

He will teach you how to be thankful

for every little thing

for each day you get

for all what is beautiful

all what really matters

Well the hard part was saying goodbye.

To this teacher

this human being

this classroom

these teaching methods

this journey

And then he would surprise you with one of those kind acts of him

which would just make it even harder for your heart to say good bye for this rare kind of human beings

Above all, the luckiest are his beautiful sons

For they will have the most amazing father one could ever get

God bless him for them

God bless them for him

But I consider myself the lucky one

For I was destined to meet this great person who lived millions of miles away

For I was destined to be blessed with getting to know him

*to be completed

 

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Last days, memories in the making

My eyes are a camera, trying to record everything I can

One last time

The trees are chanting me goodbye

The birds are humming

and I close my eyes and sing along

Won’t be in tears

won’t say farewell

hey heart, don’t feel nostalgic

All of this is another part to add to the puzzle, 

the puzzle of the journey

it shall stay in you, buried forever

Step one you will not stop remembering

Step two you will not stop looking at the pictures

Step one and two will never go away

Those people will sleep in your heart, like close strangers

I sit and look around

True how everything looks different in the last time

You want to hug the people you wanted to know but never did

You want to say thank you a million for the new friends

friends are the family you choose,

friends are the family we had

You want to go to every place you ignored because you had the time

But now time is up

It is time to stop

the wind will blow,

and the atmosphere will carry it million miles away

with the leaf i printed my name on

and it will land on my doorstep

the doorstep of my home

i can see it there waiting for me

First time away, poor sweet home

I am coming, I am coming

Just wait me there.

 

 

untitled #3

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Run run

its your finals

final year

college, you’re going

how do you feel?

a child?

a grown up?

numb?

run

days are passing by

days will fly

run , run

and i saw you yesterday

asking me, about my finals

now how do you see me?

young?

grown up?

my soul

it is old

can you see?

listen to the songs

drift away

study

study

the plane tickets on the tables,

going back

would you miss this?

you will miss this

no graduation ceremony

no prom

i don’t care

do you want to leave?

drift again

don’t answer

like the days will

all is going

few more days and all will be gone

study

block the questions

block the wonderings

rest your head

Dont dream of whats in store

rest your head

you are graduating

is this something big?

Is there anything ever big? enough?

there is

but not this

not quiet this

drift again

what are you thinking about?

your mom

them

are they proud?

they should

only mom

no one else

no one is here

are they taking a photo from up there?

i bet they are, a voice whispers

graduating?

growing?

the plane won’t crash

the future will come

or wont it?

What do you want?

why are you thinking about the possibility of it?

is nothing different?

everything is

drift again

how do you feel?

what do you feel?

no more

silence

wait

the friends?

the depending on others?

the new crush?

the lover was to be

experiences

its not this

it is everything else

all what happened

i am graduating from an experience

not from a highschool

the diploma is in my head