“Can you not see that the task is your task – yours to dream, yours to resolve, yours to execute?” ― Upton Sinclair
A garish “roar” sounds out like the mating call of a wild boar. It’s the signature opening to a show for the ages. Massive block letters, reminiscent of a Comic Sans Tarzan, burst onto the screen: PRIMAL EATS. It smooshes down on a cartoon caribou, blood splattering with eyes popping out cartoonishly out of the sockets. The gory scene fades away slowly, giving way to the milky-whites of a man’s eyes, a scraggly copper beard, and the looming bulk of his mountainous upper body.
“WHAT’S UP, PRIMATES? I have something to show you today…. something mighty special.” He smirks softly, as if sharing a truly choice cut.
The camera struggles to pan back past the star’s raw, oiled deltoids, lined with striations like a marbled flank of steak. The view reveals a sausage cooked in the midday sun, lain upon the asphalt as an offering to god. The meat’s casing gleams with the morning light, with a soft sizzlin’ steam coming up off the surface. The man flips it over with a stainless steel spatula.
“Here we have CK Natural’s top of the line, primates… A sausage that’ll make a porn star blush. It’s the whole hog, baby,” he assures with a white-enameled grin, and the slow conspirator’s nod.
“We’re talkin’ beastly, behemoth wild boars roaming the forests and fjords from Norway to Ireland… Ripped and virile, caught at peak in mating season,” he tightens his fist before the camera, and continues, “then fed on algae collected from the Arctic, green and clean just like our ancestors ate. Untouched, unspoiled algae from beneath the permafrost. You don’t get more primal than that, folks. And…” He winks. “It’s made to keep RAW, nice and pink in the middle! Ultra low-temp process so all of your amino acids, your Vitamin C, are still intact, not destroyed by heat or any GMO-whatnots.”
The roar echoes once more, like a poorly executed stinger from a soundboard.

“Get a look at that as it sizzles, practically begging to be eaten… GET AT IT NOW, PRIMATES! I’m partnering with CK Naturals to get their Premium Pork Box out there into your grubby little hands. Just use the special code, PRIME-8, and get 20% off on your FIRST BOX!”
A few minutes ensue of a very guttural, ravenous ‘mukbang’ as Prime Nate does unspeakable things to that road-cooked sausage, as the centerpiece of a smorgasbord of meats and minimal green garnishes on an expansive, viking-Valhalla-esque long table.
“Well that’s it folks, SMASH THAT LIKE N’ SUBSCRIBE, and REMEMBER-”
The screen winks black.
—
“Why do I watch this stuff?”
An unshaven man, likely in his early twenties, slides out of bed. He tosses his tablet to the side like a discarded lover, only to be interrupted by a snuffly French Bulldog that crawls onto his chest. It soon finds the wiry beard covering Andy’s chin and begins lapping, licking, shnorfeling him awake.
“Ah, Pascal! Pascal, stop,” he laughs, shooing the dog aside with a flap of his hand. The dog, ever the faithful creature, hops off the bed and trots over to its bowl. Before even rising, Andy reaches for a bag of premium canine chow on reflex and empties the bacon-and-egg flavored kibble into the waiting receptacle. Pascal then eats his breakfast, promptly forgetting his master as his little stub-tail wiggles.
It’s time for Andy Newman to get ready for work.
His young bones creak from lack of use. He rises from bed, stretches his thin torso, and goes about his morning routine. First, he brushes his teeth, then ruins it with the worst, most bitter coffee in the world. Lastly, he sheds his plaid linen pajamas for the flat cotton-polyester of a striped corporate button-up. Once he’s shrouded his disheveled form in the pretenses of his early career, he’s ready to head out the door. A refurbished old Pinto awaits him in the alleyway outside his inner-city apartment, stuffed like a sardine behind a swinging bumper and the silver crest on the front of his neighbor’s Cadillac. Forward-back, forward-back, he wiggles the old beast out of its parallel park like a hospital receptionist doing heart surgery. The Cadillac bumps, just short of a scrape, and that means Andy is in the clear.
The podcast he plays during his commute is not far from the morning stream he viewed. The talking voice is just older, louder, and has a microphone instead of a table full of slaughtered beasts. The old prize fighter has Andy chuckling as he berates some woo-woo scientist touting his latest miracle cure scraped from the inside of a fish’s pancreas (or something like that). Andy gives it half his mind as his eyes track the traffic, his hands manipulate the wheel, and he shifts his bottom to find scant comfort in the old cracked pleather of his dad’s pinto.
Bright red, white, and blue plastic banners herald the entryway to his workplace. They line the road like a church choir greeting the priest, or a king’s parade complete with criers, bugles, and all:
“CLINT KENDALL, THE NEW AMERICAN DESTINY.”
“CLINT: LOW PRICES. TAMMY: HIGH PRICES.”
“WE’VE GOT NADS, DO YOU?”
Smaller signs with “vote yes” or “vote no” on proposal 1, 2, 3, A-B-C dot below the bigger signs like punctuation marks in a dramatic reading of “See Spot Run.”
It wins a little smile from Andy. Despite his age, a number of those slogans came off of his old Lanobo’s word processor. Tight, aggressive slogans tested the best. He ran the demographic statistics and even hosted some of the focus groups himself. Andy can even remember some of the bar graphs as they danced in the reflections of his thick-rimmed glasses. They all said one thing: up, up, UP. He was hired to be an intern. He knows, though, that the recommendation letter he gets will say “statistician, analyst,” and someday… “Campaign Manager.”
Andy Newman knows he’s going places. For now, though, he’s running to headquarters. While he was sleeping in and watching streams, Clint Kendall himself was at one of his biggest Ohio rallies yet. His campaign bus piled with merch is still nestled in the parking lot, emptied of a king’s ransom in hats, T-shirts, and playful little plastic balls that you hang from the hitch of your pickup truck. It all speaks back to an essential populist wisdom… if your opponents try to paint you as a brutish, evil Cromagnon that bullies the weak, eats roadkill, and says dumb shit on TV, what do you do?
“You fucking lean in,” Andy mutters under his breath, smirking like a cowboy in a Hollywood shootout.
Andy doesn’t get to lean in for long. The campaign doesn’t need him crouched in front of an old monitor, clacking at the keyboard, eyeballing statistics. No… the campaign needs him to cater lunch.
“HURRY THE FUCK UP, Andy!” His boss greets him as he enters the push-bar doors of the old office building. Her blond curls bounce as she berates him in a voice low enough to not carry down the hall. “CK’s on his way right now, and he gets hungry after his rallies. You know how these Ohioans are… they’re frothing at the mouth for this tripe.”
She doesn’t elaborate, but Andy can imagine: hours on stage, shouting and joking, berating, even doing a little dance to the outro music… Clint Kendall knows how to work a fucking crowd, and the crowd works him back. You would think it’s a joke when his crowds rave about the Deep State, scream until they turn blue, and hoist sample cups of boar semen like it’s his… but then, you just don’t *get* the Clint Kendall thing. It’s a world-stage concert, but better. You can cut loose. Be the beast that you can’t be in the boardroom or the bedroom… and best of all? Your crazy ass is *changing the fucking world.* You think boar semen is silly? You don’t know campaign statistics.
“Andy? ANDY!” she snaps in front of his eyes. “Sandwiches. Food. NOW. And remember, it’s gotta be high protein.”
Andy is in charge of campaign logistics. And so, our noble intern protects his professional button-up with a tattered “kiss the cook” apron. A noble hair net scoops in his proudly coiffed side-sweep. He doesn’t do all the cooking himself, of course. That would be a monumental task. Andy just… picks up the grocery delivery box, sorts it out into portions, slices the meat, heats the meat, lays it across sandwiches, squirts a horrid-looking dark yellow mustard onto the meat…
Andy is an unpaid intern, you see. Everything he does is infinitely efficient for the campaign from a cost perspective. If they hired cooks to travel with them, they’d need not only a minimum wage but also transport, healthcare, their own lunch break… No, this task is Andy’s cross to bear. It’s all for the credit hours. It’s all for victory.
After a half-hour’s effort, he has a simple spread of triangle bologna sandwiches prepared along a smorgasbord of charcuterie. Little gherkins, sausages, cheeses, crackers… anything that fit the grubby campaign manager’s small, manicured hands and that CK can scoop up with his hairy, liver-spotted paws. In theory. CK never actually eats the sandwiches.
The pièce de résistance is a smoothie of jackfruit, carob, açaí, spirulina, goji berry,and several scoopfuls of whey and collagen protein.
“Nothing like the ‘ol milk and bone to keep a man strong…”
Andy wipes the sweat from his brow and brings the tray out into the dining area. That’s when he arrives: Clint Kendall himself.
He’s a man you would be stunned to meet in his prime. Even if you’ve never seen a TV in your life, you’d confuse him for a movie star, a newscaster, or a Wild West cowboy brought to life. His face is high-cheeked, with leathery skin as shiny as a wax figure. His hair is always the same half-pompadour half-coif, with a little shock of grey running up the front. He’s a vision of charisma on TV, reading the filth of every person in power, charting a vision for a New America. A fine twinkle in his eye greets his supporters, as his Kendall-blue irises fall upon each one of them in a slow, deliberate acknowledgment — even to Andy. The years have melted and mottled his skin with gray stubble and red burnishes to his hide, but sure as shit, that chin dimple says “Star.”
“Hey, kid. How’s it going? Good ad,” he congratulates Anne. “The ‘nads’ thing really got ‘em.”
Clint digs into his coat pocket, draws out a thin stick of meat, then cowshed chews into the Slim Jim as he stares down his nose at the table.
“The heck’s this? Did we get catering from Joisey Joe’s again?” He picks up a finger sandwich, sniffs it once, twice, then drops it plainly back onto the table with a soft, wet Wunderbread-brand thud. “I keep tellin’ y’all. One hundred and thirty-five degrees, max. This processed, overcooked bologna ain’t it.”
Leaving it for his staff, his big, silver fuzz-lined mit sweeps over and grabs up a glass of his signature smoothie. It’s what keeps him chuggin’.
“Anyway. Bottom’s up.”
Clint Kendall raises the green-frosted glass to his puckered lips, gingerly tilts the pink and purple smoothie back, and softly bobs his Adam’s apple up and down. It takes a solid five seconds for Clint to consider the bulbous goji, the slabs of jackfruit, and globs of clumpy protein powder… until he sputters, coughs, and curls back his upper lip in the flehmen response.
His face turns three shades redder. Like a bull lowering his horns, he knits his caterpillar brows together and puts them forward, eyes boring a hole in the wall with the under-whites of a Kubrick stare.
“This smoothie… ain’t it. No nutrition, no branched-chain amino acids, no creatine… This protein’s like drinking a corpse, a pile of curled up maggots! Our ancestors weep at such a weak, mewling display…” His nostrils flare, showing wiry brushes of hair as if he needs all the oxygen in the room to feed his rage.
“I TELL you all, again and again…. P-A-L-E-O. Simple as.” He sighs wearily. “Who did this?” He slowly sweeps the room with his bloodshot eyes…
CK’s ‘hanger’ is legendary amongst the staff, born no doubt from stress, the ravenous demands of his former boxer’s body, and just plain masculine dignity. The eyes in the room all drift sideways, one by one landing upon Andy as he clutches his hairnet in a fist behind his back.
Mortified, Andy wishes to blend into the wallpaper. However, even his white button-up won’t let him blend into the sickly off-yellow and eggshell tones.
“Jeff, for the love of all things Holy… how many times must I tell you?” Clint begins to pick up steam, tilting his head forward. He advances upon the intern, soon towering over him. The youngster’s side sweep barely meets Clint’s barrel chest. “Real men eat paleo, not powders. Got it?” He thrusts the jade-colored glass against Andy — no, “Jeff’s” — chest.
Then, just when it seems Clint’s anger will reach some mighty crescendo… he breathes out. Instead, he rests a mighty paw upon Andy’s shoulder and gives him a stern look, as if he wants to be proud of him, so long as Andy can show him his true potential.
“Jeff. Jeff. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff…”
Andy doesn’t correct him.
“In politics, you can go places if you think about others. Have empathy for their needs. Working a crowd, making headlines,” his grip tightens on his shoulder, “It isn’t just about bravado. No! You need to have empathy, kiddo. Now,” he gently shoos the intern out. “Get on, now. Let this be a teaching moment. We have campaign matters to discuss.”
Andy doesn’t ascend from his status as “extra” for very long. Some unseen hand pushes him out of the conference room, and the gymnasium-grade doors open and promptly slam shut behind him. Imperfect in their design, he can hear snatches of conversation.
Ann, straight to business, begins, “Now, about the new health craze… I think we should ride the wave. All these blog mommies touting wormwood as a cure would be great publicity.”
“Absolutely not, Julie,” the distant voice of Clint dismisses. “I can’t be seen with that rabble. Wormwood? Get a grip.”
“Oh, it’s harmless! How’s this any different from the Amazing Alkaline-Ammonia cure! Or…”
Their words trail off. Andy usually loves this kind of candid repartee. CK may be a nut, but he’s a genuine nut. He appreciates the free exchange of ideas. Despite his hyper-masculine persona, Clint doesn’t just welcome disagreement, he encourages it. Like a real pioneer, he wants to be on the bleeding edge of everything, so all ideas are fair game.
… The exception, of course, is Andy’s big screw-up today. How could he have forgotten? Clint Kendall’s health routine is in all the ads, the YouTube videos, even his website. Andy’s own blog has regurgitated it enough times, after all, with plenty of traffic as a result. Giving CK processed food is just not the “done” thing.
Running a hand across his wiry copper-colored beard, Andy tries to comprehend how he could let down one of the greatest leaders in a national campaign. Being on the road gives him a lot of forgivenesses and privileges, but mistakes with CK’s food aren’t one of them. How could he possibly make this right?
“I even got him those Rockie Mountain oysters last week… how could I eff up a smoothie?” He moans, resting his head in his hands.
Distraught with his failure, and scared to death of seeing Anne again (lest she make him relive it), Andy makes his way back to the kitchen. There, at least, he can meditate on his mistake. He can measure portions, review nutrition labels, and come up with a whole new menu for the next state… what is it, Arkansas? It’s home to the white-tailed deer, the bobcat, and the locals’ famous pulled-pork.
“He’d love that,” Andy mutters, as he takes a moment to tabulate the list in an app on his smartphone. “I’ll write it up now.” Maybe that will keep Anne out of his netted hair…
The hour passes by in mere minutes.
While scrolling through videos, hairs suddenly rise on the back of his neck.
Primal danger. He feels it snap tight in his brain like a piano wire.
He hears the rhythmic stomp of elevated-heel dress shoes, leather clacking across concrete like the hooves of a septuagenarian centaur. Andy would know that gait anywhere.
Clint Kendall.
Andy can’t bear to show his face. He needs to regain favor with Anne first, get her to put in a good word about ‘Jeff’ and his new ad campaign ideas…. Or even better! He could shave. Then Andy could do a full reset. No more ‘Jeff’ for him! That guy left after the smoothie thing. No, Andy’s the new hotness in town, canny and clean shave-
Thock. Thock. THOCK.
The door creaks open.
Without thinking, Andy bolts into the pantry. His higher-order consciousness gives way to some rabbit-ish instinct in his hindbrain that says, “hop, crawl in a hole, shove your face into a head of lettuce and never come back.” And just like that, he finds himself shrouded in the darkness amidst stacks of foodstuffs, with only the thin bars of light coming from the door slats crossing over his pallid face.
With his eyes winced shut, he hears only the rustling of Clint’s rummaging, the jostling of tableware, clinking glass… It sounds like a bear rummaging through a dumpster. Then, it’s broken by the electric buzz of a blender WHIR WHIRRING to life.
Clint Kendall is absolutely pissed. He’s so pissed, he’s making his own food.
Oh fuck. Oh damn. Oh I’m the worst!
The very thought is insane. It’s like watching a lion make a sandwich, and just as terrifying. The very peak of humanity huddles over a stained kitchen counter, his rippling back stretching the bounds of his black blazer, threatening to tear a seam. His massive, liver-spotted fingers shake with an addict’s tremors as he fumbles with packages too small for his mighty grip. One by one he pulls out the goji berries, the jackfruit, the carob, and heaps it into a pile on the blender blades… Now, the protein.
Clint’s narrowed, predatory eyes gaze down nutrition labels like he’s mapping the veins on the neck of a fresh kill… and finding them wanting.
The real meat is in the pantry.
Andy struggles to still his breathing as the leader of men advances upon the thin, slatted door. It seems impossible to Andy that Clint doesn’t see him back…but the tilted slats offer him a one-way view, like a police commissioner watching a brutal interrogation through a two-way mirror, or a zookeeper watching the apes rip each other apart in their pen. It’s short-lived, as those tightly manicured fingers wrap around the door handle…
And as fast as a claw tearing a throat, Clint’s massive hand sweeps in, and drags out his prize.
Heart beating like the drum in a marching band, Andy gazes down to see the prey sliding away: a midsize subscription-order box of raw meat. Upon it, a culturally confused Cromagnon pig dons the laurels of Julius Caesar, while holding a cartoonish sceptre of bone-in ham. He smirks like a true conqueror, despite his dead black-button eyes. The cannibalistic display is offset by a dollar-like banner with letters stamped as if they could be on cattle brand: “CK NATURALS,” with a misprint warping the “T.”
One might expect this meat to be in the fridge, but CK Naturals redefines “Fresh, never frozen,” with their motto “Live meat never dies!” and “Green, fed by the finest arctic algae! Feast on the vital proteins of your ancestors.”
The eponymous CK swings the box onto the counter, heaping it like a cinderblock onto the foundation of a new development. He tears away the lid, grips the sausages mightily, and begins feeding the pig-links into the hungry clear plastic maw of the Mega-Bullet Blender. With a vicious zeal, he follows it up with a heap of bloody mincemeat, pulled pork, and the next sausage link.
CK’s breathing hastens. His cracked lips draw back, showing his whitening gums as he bares teeth, white splattered red by the stuffing, crunching, squelching of his punches pounding the morsels into the blender…
Veins pop and pulse on his temples as he places the lid, presses the button, and lets whirr again the hellish whine of spinning blades to macerate the flesh, tear the tendon, rip the skin… Clint’s mouth and eyes water with a positively wriggling intensity, until soon his meal is turned to a fine pink- and red-marbled slurry.
There’s hardly a breath between the blend and the gulp. Clint tips it back, pausing only to loosen his crimson tie so his throat can bulge as he horfs down the drink. His Adam’s apple bobs up and down, guiding the sweet carnivorous juice, jumping up and down like a bullied kid being shaken by the ankles for his last few quarters.
Clint Kendall, peak of perfection, lets out a relaxed sigh as the pinkish kill crusts across his lips.
There’s a blessed, pregnant pause.
Then, hot breath beats down through the slats of the pantry door.
The world fogs. Droplets of moisture cling to the intern’s glasses.
“ANDY.”
Shit. His heart beats like a metal band’s drum, threatening to end his career early.
“This is how you EAT, Andy… Dense nutrition, farm to table, whole and unprocessed… fat is fuel, seasoned by nature!” Clint lets out a cackle, and sweeps Andy’s chin up into his paw, gripping his cheeks like a taco as he stares into his eyes.
“Green AND good, it’s fueled by the algae of the ancients! We’re all just stardust, kid… Ashes to ashes… FARM TO TABLE.” His eyes widen, taking up Andy’s entire view: a pair of hellish, white stars taking up the sky in a supernova of madness. Then, to make the nightmare worse… Ringed, wormy tendrils wriggle free from the sockets, fingering at the air, reaching, reaching for Andy, before finding the surface of Clint’s fleshy sclera and digging back into it like fresh, loamy soil… Little flares of hungry life dig out then arc back in like solar flares. Below, the star’s lips widen into a Hollywood “grin that could kill” with its bone-chipped teeth, zig-zagging mites, and acrid odour… the Komodo dragon’s kiss. So close, and getting closer.
“Fermentation is your friend, Andrew. Ferment with us.”
Once fragile, now broken, Andy’s mind is cast adrift.
He lay for hours upon heaps of cauliflower flower, trying to reconcile the stress of his hellish life, and the madness that it has just shown him.
Andy lays limp in a dreamlike state until the evening security finds him hyperventilating in the breakroom, and promptly wheels him out by the shoulders. Andy’s worn pleather shoes take him the rest of the way to the car.
While Andy’s brain fails him, his muscle-memory is more than adequate to pilot the steering wheel of the familiar old Ford Pinto. The campaign signs wave at him as he departs, forlorn and blowing in the wind, but the words are twisted:
GREEN AND GOOD.
TAKE LIFE BY THE HORNS.
RAW LIFE FOR RAW MEN.
FERMENT WITH US.
On the highway, on the TV screen, everywhere… he sees Clint Kendall’s face.
Clint is the idol, the genius! No, he’s the monster that lives amongst the stars… a supernova! The future.
—
On autopilot, Andy finds himself at the pet store.
Somehow, he has managed to block out the hardship of before. He’s an intern, after all. He is blessed with the superhuman ability to filter out traumatic experiences until, one day, he’ll inevitably spill them all over a therapist’s notepad.
For now, Andy browses the aisles to find dog kibble for Pascal. As his eyes scan the labels, his thumbs type out the rest of his shopping list on his phone. Making lists has always been a calming practice for Andy. Today, it begins:
Kibble for Pascal.
Diet-urinary-senior-sensitive digestion. Dr. Canin’s advanced formulae.
A rubber ball, round nubbins.
A stress stick.
His rubber heels skid to a stop in the medicinal aisle. A thin, white box with a happy canine has caught his eyes… The label calls out to him like a siren, promising happy dogs with full bowls and healthy tummies.
“Worming solution,” he mutters to himself. He takes a beat to let it sink in.
“Worming solution,” he repeats, testing the words out in his mouth.
Then he opens the app and adds:
- Fenbendazol, heart-friendly tapeworm treatment
- Praziquantel — worm formulae treatment dropper topical formula.
- Parentel pamoate, suspension
- Jackfruit
- Carob
He pockets his phone.
Andy is certain will never mess up one of Clint Kendall’s meals again. Next time, he will use the heritage meats. Next time, he will find rare flesh. Next time, he will make his hero proud.
A good analyst must take care of his candidate.
Even in this moment, Andy’s eyes shine with a pollyannaish hope. It’s the same hope that has ended marriages. Lives. Empires. At the very core of his turgid optimism, four very dangerous words echo in this upstart’s unconscious mind, ricocheting off of neurons with the grace of a whirring blender. Even interrogated and beaten, Andy would never admit to them. However, if you could lay his heart on a table and slice it neatly in half, you would find written like a ransom note:
I can fix him.
When Clint Kendall gives him a second chance to make that smoothie, it’ll be a drink he never forgets.
—
“Here’re yer pills, kid,” buzzes the heap-haired nurse as she slides a plastic cup across the window’s short plastic counter.
Andy scoops it up in his hand and tosses his antipsychotics back with a gulp.
Looking down, he sees a pair of sea-green scrubs bound by tight elastic, leading down to bare feet on speckle-tiled hospital linoleum.
Before he can contemplate his navel for long, a silver tray obstructs his view. It shepherds a gleaming glass of orange juice and, most prominently, a triangle sandwich.
The bologna is just right: pink in the middle, just how he likes it. It has all the Vitamin C, branch chain amino acids, and nutrients he could ever crave.
As shadows pass over the surface of the meat, Andy’s itching eyes catch the telltale wriggling of little ringed worms. The questing parasites pop up and burrow back down, like hungry groundhogs. That is, until they catch the warmth of his hovering hand nearby. They pause, then raise up like long, wiggly fingers… questing, craving his brain matter…
The worms lust for Andy’s aptitude in statistics.
Fortunately, Andy is saved by the piquant melange of preservatives in the bread. The worms soon give up their reach, and then later give up their bodies with a crunch.
This isn’t pork of the stars. It’s just lunchmeat.
It is, however, accompanied by a rolled up newspaper. It makes no mention of Clint Kendall’s near-poisoning, but it has plenty to say:
“CLINT KENDALL CONCEDES.”
“WAR IN SAMOTHRACE.”
And finally, on page eleven:
“CLINT KENDALL NAMED NEW MINISTER OF HEALTH.”
It’s a job well done.