Out with a...

...tear.  Or a bucket load of them, rather.

I'm trying to get ready for Mr. W's work party tonight and it's not quite going as planned.  A song came on the radio and I burst into tears.  I'm still crying as I type. 

Just the other night the baby was cryin
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin' in and tellin me the news
Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried

3 months after my loss and it still hurts like hell.  And I wish that it wasn't what I'm thinking of as I close out the year.  And I wish I wasn't dreading going to this party and finding out who's pregnant now or seeing all the babies.  And more than anything I wish I was picking out stuff and laying my hand lovingly on my belly and planning for my May baby.

Oh please God let 2008 be better.

Massaman Curry Chicken

This is one of my all-time favorite dishes.  Yummy!!!!  (I couldn't find a picture that accurately represents this recipe.  And I eat it too fast to even think about grabbing my camera.)

***edit***
Substitue light coconut milk for regular coconut milk.  Serve 6 instead of 4 (easily possible).  Including 1 cup of Jasmine rice, the recipe is 9 points per serving.
***edit***

You should be able to pick up a can or container of massaman curry paste at your local Asian market.  The curry paste makes the dish so make sure you get the right kind.  Red, yellow, and green are the ones I usually find easily, but it's worth the search for the massaman curry.

Serves 4

Ingredients
1 onion
1 T peanut oil
2 cans coconut milk
2 T massaman curry paste (more or less to taste)
1 tsp Thai fish sauce (nam pla)
1 T light brown sugar
8 oz tiny new potatoes
1 lb skinless chicken breast, cut into chunks
1 T lime juice
1 T fresh basil, finely chopped (or 1 tsp dried basil)

1. 
   
   Cut the onion into wedges
   
   


2. 
   
   Heat a wok until hot, add the oil and swirl it around.  Add the onion and stir-fry for 3-4 minutes.  (I used a 16" high sided frying pan.)
   
   


3. 
   
   Pour in the coconut milk, then bring to a boil, stirring.  Stir in the curry paste, fish sauce, and sugar.
   
   


4. 
   
   Add the potatoes, and basil and simmer gently, covered, for about 20 minutes.
   
   


5. 
   
   Add the chicken chunks and cook, covered, over low heat for another 5-10 minutes, until the chicken and potatoes are tender.
   
   


6. 
   
   Stir in the lime juice.  Serve at once over Jasmine rice.
   
   

This is almost better the next day, reheated.  I guess it gives the spices all time to blend and absorb into everything.  Since Mr. W doesn't like this (or any other curry) I usually eat this for breakfast, lunch and dinner until it's gone.  Delicious!

a note about the fish sauce.  the recpie actually calls for 2 tablespoons.  i use much less due to the strenght of the fish sauce.  if you have a brand new bottle that has yet to seriously sit and get stronger, you can use more than 1 teaspoon.  use with caution.

100th post! and other things

I just realized that this was my 100th post.  I completely didn't think about it.  I really meant to write something more meaningful for my little milestone. 

If anyone has any idea how to add things into my sidebar, please help me!  I know how to write basic html code, but Wordpress is different.  They want CSS.  Booo!  I don't want to learn anything new!  <crossing my arms and pouting>  I'd really like to transfer things from my old page to this one.  Especially the infertility's common thread pic w/link and my tickers.

I have decided that I do not like my husband when he's working on the house.  Not at all.  He turns into a different person; not a nice person.  Luckily he takes breaks so we can begin to get along again. 

I do like Mr. W when he says and does cute things, though.  Today (during a break from hanging drywall) I mention that I'm craving something, but just can't figure out what it is.  He tells me to eat pickles and ice cream!  He explains that if I eat pickles and ice cream, then pregnancy will just slide right in!  Ha!  (of course he follows this up with his silliest grin and begins to giggle.)  I told him that this was a new one for me.  I'd heard relax and get drunk, but not to eat pickles and ice cream.  (for the record...he was n0t serious)

Now it's CD32.  Bleh.

Keeping my head up

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/v/xLd22ha_-VU&rel=1]

So I'm now positive that this cycle was anovulatory.  It's CD31 and I never received a peak reading on my CBEFM.  I also feel like I'm smuggling a water balloon in my abdomen.  I'm pretty sure where I should have released an egg, I've developed a cyst.  It's been about 10 or so years since I've had one that I noticed, but I'm noticing something now.  I've had this constant discomfort/pain in the general ovary area for a few days.  This morning it decided to become as annoying as being felt every step I took.  Yay me.

I won't lie.  I started this post this morning in one hell of a nasty mood.  Since then I've eaten my favorite dish (massaman curry chicken), had a mild workout (first in months), and eaten a miniature ice-cream candy bar.  I've read some blogs; I've (virtually) cried on a friend's shoulder and gotten a (virtual) hug.  I feel much better.  Although I'm still upset that this month has ended on a down note, it's almost over.  Only a few days away from a new year full of new months and new opportunity!

Plus, who can't help but laugh with this video?  I mean, can you understand what he's reallysaying?  Hahahahaha!

I got a menomenamena tree!

Actually it's a SYL.VANIA Staylit® 7-1/2' Slim Menominee Pre-lit Tree from Lo.wes.  And I only paid $29 for it!!!  Hooray!!!  Next year Mr. W and I won't have to fight about putting the lights on the tree.  Hooray again!!!

I wonder if Mr. W will get angry if I take down the old tree and put the new one up for the weekend?  Hee hee hee! (I'm only 1/2 joking)

Oh, and to brag on Mr. W:  He got me a beautiful ring, A paraffin bath, and a Kitc.henAid Classic Stand Mixer for Christmas.  He rocks! 

A Christmas Feast

This year I cooked Cornish hens for the fist time.  Yummy!  I thought it would be better for me and Mr. W than cooking a whole turkey or a whole ham.  Who needs all that leftover food, anyway?  (well...I can think of plenty to do with leftover ham, but don't really like turkey.)  I had so much fun and felt so "grown-up" cooking those little birds.  Ha!

Mr. W and I had a wonderful Christmas together.  He got me a few things that I had been wanting for a few years.  He seriously outdid himself this year.  I hope he knows just how high he upped the bar.  Ha-ha!

 Anyway, I hope everyone had as wonderful a Christmas as possible.  Mine has left me worn out.  So...Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

A Dog's Christmas

 The girls each got a bone and a tin of doggie breath mints for Christmas.  They love rawhide bones!!!  I figured if I wanted to post something on Christmas without being too revealing (as if anyone who knows me doesn't know what my unique dogs look like), then I could post the dogs!  And check out the fire!  Who cares if it is unseasonable warm outside!

 Merry Christmas!!!

Show Me Your Tree!!

 Show me your tree

Our tree is a "pencil tree", which works perfectly for me since it fits in little spaces! I've always enjoyed doing it up in gold silver and red. This year the tree was put up early, but the lights and ornaments weren't put on it until a few days ago (Mr. W was out of town and I'm way too OCD to put lights on.) Now there are even more present under the tree! Yay!

Favorite Christmas Song

Yayyy!!!

Go check out Geohde's newest post and dance with me!!!

CD19

WTF? CD19? It should be 4DPO, but it's not. It's CD19 and the monitor still shows high fertility. (I read through the instruction pamphlet again and it said that if there was no peak fertility it would read high fertility "until the end of the testing cycle".

Now here's where I'm being positive: I think I possibled effed up a few test sticks. I don't actually pee on the sticks, I pee in a cup and dip them. You're supposed to hold them in the pee for 15 seconds, and I only did it for 10 seconds. I suppose the sticks may have not absorbed enough liquid. And if this is so, then I'm ok. (i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok) I had already accepted that Mr. W would be out of town for ovulation and this month would be a break cycle. So it's a break cycle.

Now I just wait to see when AF shows up. She should be here between Christmas and 12/28. Now if only I could get these anovulatory thoughts out of my head (trust me, they don't dance like sugar plums).

Call me doom and gloom

"The anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle characterized by varying degrees of menstrual intervals and the absence of ovulation and a luteal phase. In the absence of ovulation, there will be infertility. "

I know I've been all doom and gloom lately, and I apologize. I really do have my happy moments...and they outweigh the non-happy moments. But this morning my lovely CBEFM gave me another day of high fertility. I forgot to log my days, but this is somewhere between day 5 - 8 of high fertility. Anything over 5 days isn't supposed to be all that good. Not sure exactly why, but I'm guessing it might be something along the lines of eggs rotting in their shells (not literally). At least that makes sense to me. Of course, now I'm thinking that this will be the first month since I've been using any type of OPK that I won't ovulate. Anovulatory. Shit.

On a completely positive note, Mr. W will be home late tonight!!! Yay!!! I didn't get much (read: anything) on my list accomplished while he was gone, but who cares! I'm so happy to have him home. He suggested, last night on the phone, that I'm stressing my body into waiting to ovulate until he gets home. He's so cute. Haha!

So if I go MIA for the weekend you guys will understand, right? ;-)

***side note***

It's kind of funny that if the plan had actually worked, Mr. W and I would have come nowhere near ovulation. That would have been a seriously expensive no-chance-of-conception booty call!

Dear Younger Man,

It was the fourth of July. You had used a favor to get us on top of that building. I remember pressing my body against a gargoyle as the fireworks went off. They were at eye level. It was one of the most wonderful nights of my life.

I had so many good memories with you. You were the man that liked to make memories. The weekend in the mountains. Driving to DC. Camping on that island. Celebrating 1/2 birthdays. Everything you planned was magical!

I saw that building tonight and thought of you. I smiled.

I've heard you are married, now. I hope that she is everything that you were looking for and more. I hope you are the same for her. I hope your life is magical!

You don't say?

I went to visit my family and old friends this weekend. I had a really good time, aside from losing my voice again. It was very relaxing to hang out at my parents house and pretty much do nothing.

I've had a friend, we'll call her B, for about 12 years. B and I have always been on opposite ends of the personality spectrum. She's the most liberal person I've met; as time has passed, I've become more conservative. She's vegan; I'm a hard core carnivore. She's single raising an unplanned child; I'm married struggling through infertility. There are many more differences and until recently they have not affected our friendship.

Over the past few months, anytime I've needed to vent about almost anything, I've had to go elsewhere for support. I have not been able to talk to B about it. It's broken my heart, but what can I do. If I need to vent about Mr. W (I know, he's wonderful, but even perfection gets on your nerves some times), she retorts that at least I have someone. If I need to vent about all of the constant construction in my home, she retorts that at least we can afford to own a house and work on it. If I need to vent about anything, she has some sort of comment about how I should basically just suck it up.

Now don't get me wrong, I am supremely grateful for all of the wonderful things I have in my life. Especially for Mr. W and my family. I am lucky, and I am very aware of this. But does this mean I am not allowed to ever be unhappy? Am I not allowed to have bad days? Am I not allowed to get angry at my husband?

I've been trying to work past all of my feelings about her lack of support and was doing pretty good. But this weekend kind of sealed the bitter deal for me. I heard her say, many times, that I need to "relax". I need to see/read "The Secret". I need to put out my good energy and then I'll get pregnant. Give me a fucking break! I wasn't even asking for assvice. I was simply telling the woman that is supposed to be my best friend that Mr. W and I are trying to have a faith in God and nature for 3 more months, and that I'm excited about this. I'm doing my best to have faith and not plan for after March. And in retort I'm told that I'm too negative and that if I relax and watch a freaking movie that I'll be fine. Fuck you.

Why is it that the almost 3 years that Mr. W and I were screwing like rabbits, not using birth control of any sort, and not "wanting" a baby don't count? Neither my sister or B actually acknowledge that time. They still want to say, "relax and it will happen" as if those years weren't relaxing.

So now I guess I need to just put a little more positive energy out there and relax. Because as we all know that's how babies are made.

Happy Birthday Granny

Today would have been my Granny’s 90^th birthday. She passed last January. I wish I could be with my Dad today to try to give him some comfort. I know that every time the radio mentions Pearl Harbor day he is reminded that his Mother is not with him anymore. I cannot imagine that pain

Happy Birthday Granny. You still remain in my mind as the most wonderful woman that walked this earth. You are very loved and very missed.

Life's little ironies

I received an email today from Conceive Magazine about a recently released book called The Fertility Diet. I was intrigued so I ordered a copy of the book.

A few hours later I received a faxed copy of a Ne.wsweek article about the same book. My friend then emailed me and let me know that she had faxed it to me and thought I might find it interesting.

Life is just full of little ironies! :-)

Shoot Me! ;-)

I decided to bullet all my randomness today and thought the title would be acute play on words. :-)

• Could there have been anymore kids at Chick-fil-A today? And when did moms' quit watching their kids? I could barely walk and had a kid that kept on hitting me. All I wanted was my cool wrap!! (and just so you know, this wasn't one of the locations that has a playground.) Why couldn't they all be at the McDonald's next door?
• Does everyone in SC think it's OK to run red lights just because of the holidays? I saw more people running red lights today (during my morning drive and my lunch break) than I've seen in the past year total. What are they thinking? "I think I'd like to spend the holidays in the hospital or dead. That would rock!"
• I'm looking forward to my free time next week. I plan on painting the siding that Mr. W had to replace a couple of weeks ago, painting the shelves he replaced, purchasing and installing blinds in the guest bedroom, fixing a small leak under the kitchen sink, and replacing the guts of the upstairs toilet. I've also got to clean out our closet and bedroom. I plan on feeling very accomplished by the end of the week!
• I was prayed over yesterday. The pastor called me to the front of the church, placed his hands on my shoulders, and asked everyone to pray with him. He prayed that God would bless me with a healthy nine month pregnancy that resulted in a live, healthy baby. It was an odd experience. I wasn't sure that I wanted to participate, but I'm trying to have a little faith. I cried (what's new). I felt a great sense of love, and that was wonderful.Like I said, I'm trying to work on my faith.
• It hit me yesterday that Mr. W and I have been TTC for 3 years. It wasn't official until earlier this year, but we haven't used any form of birth control for 3 years. That means we "relaxed and let it happen" for 2 years.And guess what...that didn't work. I'm giving faith and nature (and my monitor and preseed) 3 more months. If I'm not thoroughly knocked up by then...
• RIP Evel Knievel

Whatever...

Stupid hope. Always sneaks in and ruins things.

The trip is off (again). We can only get a decent price if I'm willing to fly a red-eye. And don't misunderstand, I'd be more than willing to, but I have to be at work and they couldn't guarantee I'd be home before noon. That just won't work.

Mr. W felt it necessary to call and tell me this around one o'clock this morning. I reminded him of the time difference, and the fact that I had been in bed for a while by this time. Just to drive the point home I called him this morning while I was driving to work. I figured a nice 4:30 wake up call would help him get the picture!

So now the question is, what do I do with all this free time I'm about to have? 5 days of free time? I might drive up to visit my parents. Honestly, that is always a little depressing when I'm alone. Oh well. I'm open to ideas!

And he's off...

Mr. W left yesterday afternoon. I missed him before he even got onto the plane. Such is life.

Mr. W and I had such wonderful talks while he was home. I've been going through a really tough time, and him being gone has been especially hard. I talked to him about it and told him exactly how I feel right now. He was 100% supportive. He explained that he doesn't understand what I'm going though, but he's here for me. He had a couple of drinks during the conversation, so by the end he was even sweeter than usual. Ha!

He went on to tell me that regardless of how depressed/anxious/psycho I get, he will be here for me. If I hate him (because according to him all women hate men at some time), he will still be here for me. If I decide to leave, he will be waiting on me when I come home. Regardless what happens, I will not be able to "get rid" of him. Etc.

Mr. W also went on to tell me that regardless of what it takes, we will have our baby. If it comes to IVF, he will find the money even if it means going into debt (coming from a very penny-pinching man this means the world); we will have a baby. Just knowing that he is willing to go the distance for this...it makes me feel so very loved.

-------------------------------------------

Now about this on-again-off-again trip. Mr. W went into work on Friday to check with whichever boss was in to make sure it was OK that I fly out while they were working. He only found Boss B. Boss B said no way. I aggrievedly explained to Mr. W that Boss B could kiss my ass. Boss B is not the #1 boss. Boss A is, and Boss A is the one that suggested I fly out in the first place. The only problem is that Boss A already flew out.

Mr. W waited a few hours and called Boss A (damn time difference). He said he had no problem with me flying out. Thank God Boss A outranks Boss B. He said I would need a rental car, though. We can't be sure they won't be working when my plane gets in.

So now the trip is on, right? Wrong. We decide to go to Pri.celin.e to see if we can find a decent priced ticket with a rental car. We bid (fun!) and they say if we up the price a little, they can do it. So we up the price. Still no go. Up it again. Still no go. Up it again...etc. Forget it. We try some other sites and finally decide that it's just not working. We'll have to kennel the dogs, buy a plane ticket, rent a car, and pay for almost a weeks worth of eating out...too much for a slim chance at getting pregnant. (remember folks...I will probably get my LH surge the day after I fly home.)

So now the trip is off, right? Wrong. Mr. W calls from his home-for-the-next-couple-of-weeks. He's been looking at flights and has found some much cheaper tickets. He also found that there's a free shuttle from the airport to his hotel that runs every 15 -20 minutes. So he asks if I still want to come out.

At this point in time (emotional hell that is my mind) I cannot make that sort of decision. I had tried to get the trip planned and it repeatedly fell through. I had already begun to accept that there was no trip, that Mr. W and I would begin trying in January, and that two weeks wasn't that long of a time to be apart.

Mr. W actually offered to find a ticket, and if it's within reason (he's setting the limit...again, that's beyond my control right now) he'll purchase it and let me know. I would kiss him if he were here! He is not the type to make those sort of arrangements for me. He usually feels that it's up to me, and if I feel like doing it to do it, but that it's my decision. (how was that for a run on sentence?) But this time he was my hero!

So I don't know if I'm flying out to TTC this month, and I'm OK with that. If I do, then I'm going to take advantage of the new experiences (flying) and I'm going to do my best to enjoy it. If I don't, I'll take advantage of the time to complete some minor projects around the house. Either way it's out of my hands. And I'm OK with that.

I have so many other things that I want to write about, but I know I've already bored you all to tears. Maybe tomorrow!

Short & Sweet (with update)

I'm referring to my time with Mr. W, not this post.

Mr. W was home by the time I got there yesterday. It was beyond wonderful to have him there!!! I had already left a pork roast in the crock pot that morning, so we had barbecue for dinner. Then we just enjoyed each other's company all night. It was wonderful

But now he's leaving again tomorrow. This really bites. I know I've already got the Cross-country-migration-conception plan so I'll be able to see him in about a week...but this still sucks. I just want him here for the holiday season. I know we'll be together for Christmas...but that's not the worst day. It's the build-up to the day that gets to me. And it's been especially rough, lately. Not just the holidays, but everything. It's crap. But what can I do. Such is the life of the military wife.

I seriously admire the spouse out there whose significant other is gone for months at a time. It's not an easy thing to be married to the military. I don't even have it as bad as many others, and it's still not easy.

But it's CD3! Yay! I should be flying out to be with Mr. W on CD10 or 11. I'll fly back CD15 (I have to be back at work the next morning). Hopefully I'll get my LH surge on CD15...but even if I don't get it until CD16, it could still happen this month. I'm excited to be trying again! Yay!

******UPDATE******

Now Mr. W is being told that I cannot fly out during this trip. I am trying to not cry right now, because I’m stuck at work. I don’t know what to do. So now he’s flying out tomorrow…I won’t see him for over two weeks (right after him being gone for 9 days and only having him home for less than 48 hours)…and there’s no TTC this month. I really need a break right now. A break from the crappy things that are getting in the way of any resemblance of happiness for me. And I know you’re all probably thinking that I’m all doom and gloom for some not-so-big reasons, but there are other things going on that I just really don’t have the strength to blog about.

I really needed to be able to spend some time with Mr. W. I really need to be able TTC this month. I really need to get away from things for a few days.

Hooray!

Mr. W will be home in time to tuck me in tonight!!!!  Yay!!!

I am such a dork

I seriously just figured out that I can reply to comments when I receive them in my inbox. I'm being honest. I just realized that if I hit "reply" and type in the box...the commenter will get my response. How stupid do I feel right now?

So I promise, from now on, I will respond to everyone when they ask me a question in a comment!!!

But on another note, if you don't have an email linked to the account you comment with, I cannot respond. :-(

It happened...

It happened 3 1/2 years ago. It could have happened yesterday, and I'd still feel the same about it. How could you do it? Why did you do it?

I loved you at one point. I even thought at one point that you were "the one". When you said you didn't love me anymore, my world began to crumble. But I moved on. I created a better life. I became happy. I even met someone new. I didn't know where things would take me, but I was very satisfied with where I was.

Then I saw you again. I had been dreading this moment since our life together ended. All the dreading seemed to be for nothing, though. When I saw you...the feelings were gone! There was no love there. There was no pain there. The only things left were the memories of the good times we had. I knew that we could truly be friends, and I was elated!

We hung out. We talked about the turns our lives had each taken in the year since we had last seen each other. You had moved on, like I had. You made a joke about us having ex-sex. I laughed at your joke and told you no. We had a good time.

We drank. I trusted you. After all, we were friends. You're supposed to trust your friends. I didn't know how much I was drinking, though. The drink was good and my glass was never empty! We hung out with other friends. We all went swimming.

I got drunk.

I passed out.

You raped me.

I know you raped me, because I had a few moments of not-quite-full consciousness. You were on top of me as I lay there unable to move. You raped me.

At one point afterwards, one of the times I woke up, you told me you still loved me. How could you do that to me? How could you take from me? After all you had taken from me the year before, after what you had just done to me, how could you say that?

And you meant it. I heard it in your voice.

When I finally woke up enough to move, I ran from you.

When I saw you next, I asked you why. You told me I wanted it. You told me that as I lay there passed out (where you put me...next to you), that I moved my hips against you.

But you were lying. I did not want you. I did not want to have sex with you. I did not want you to rape me as I lay unconscious where you put me.

It was my bad choice to trust you. It was my bad choice to drink with you. It was my fault that I passed out.

But I said "no" when you jokingly asked while I was sober. And I did not "black out" and give consent...I passed out. I was not conscious. There was no consent.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

For you all...

I was awarded with the Blogger Flame of Fortitude by Farah at Fertilize Me.

I would like to pass this flame on to everyone in the IF blogosphere. As I am really late in the game on responding, I'm sure you've all already received it. But just in case anyone missed their flame, here it is! You are all wonderful, strong, and amazing people! Your strength and support do more for my, and others, struggle than I ever could have imagined. You guys rock!!!

For a great list of "you guys" click here and view the far left sidebar.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...

I'm trying to focus on the positive things right now. I'm having a really hard time, though. (Notice the CD ticker above has not been reset, yet...see the previous post if you don't know why this is such a bad thing.)

Mr. W will be home in a couple of days!!! I miss him more than I thought possible, right now. I'm working on a menu for the night of his return. I'm leaning towards a cro.ck pot potato soup. He loves potato soup, and this way I can cook while I'm at work and leave my evening free for him! Yay!

I'm slowly but surely getting the house decorated for Christmas. The stockings are hung (I need to get another stocking holder for my stocking. I want something cool, though.) Of course you've all seen the toilet decor! :-) I've also got a wreath on the door and some battery operated candles in each window. Oh yeah...and the tree. It's up, but that's it. I still have to arrange the branches, put the lights on, and decorate it. Good times (massive amounts of sarcasm here. lights + OCD = insanity)!

Now if only I could get the furbabies to wear cute little costumes for a quick photo op I could do some wonderful cards!

Don't pee on the snowman!!! (with added note)

So who all thinks I'm tempting fate by putting anything white and absorbent beneath my toilet bowl? Yeah...

Mr. W should be home in a few days...guess I'll have to scotch guard it before then. Snicker.

*************************************************************

On the TTC front:

CD 29 is an hour away from being out the door. No AF, yet. She's been sending her wicked sister (spotting), but not even enough of that to make me sure I'll start tomorrow. The whole Cross-country-migration-conception plan won't really work if CD1 doesn't get it's ass in gear and show up. If CD1 starts tomorrow and I ovulate on CD15 then I'll be flying home on my second day of peak fertility. If CD1 doesn't start tomorrow or I ovulate on CD16 or later...

I went to church. Shock! Gasp! I know. I went back to the same church that has the pastor that spoke in tongues; the same church with the pastors wife that blindsided me with late condolences. I had a good conversation at God while I was driving to church. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I had to have a pretty direct message if he wanted me to come back to this church ever again. Minutes later, as I sat squirming in the seat, the days sermon title popped up on the screen, "Why Attend?" OK. I got it! Point taken. I asked for direct and boy I sure got it! So I will be going back. I also spoke with the pastor afterwards and he alluded to the BCMEP so I brought it up for him. He gave me his condolences and then proceeded immediately to let me know he wanted to do something for me before Mr. W and I start TTC again. He told me that he wanted the church to especially pray for me at a service. After explaining it would have to be this coming Sunday if he wanted to beat the TTC re-kick-off, it was set. He asked me to start some faith-talking/praying. (I think it's a good idea, and I'll post more on this later.) So this coming Sunday I will have a congregation of about 20 - 30 people praying and thanking God for a successful pregnancy for me and Mr. W. I've got so much more to say on this subject, but I'll leave it alone for right now.

I spoke to my brother today and he told me that evil SIL passed the "fetus" yesterday. I thought she was 4 weeks pregnant? This is where my ignorance about pregnancy shows...at 4 weeks can you distinguish it? (no answer is really necessary...i'm just effed up at the thought right now)

Maybe once I get my head a little settled and I can focus a little better I'll get back to commenting. Maybe I'll get back to blogging in some sort of coherent manner, too. I miss Mr. W.

***Added Note***

I even took an HPT this morning in the hopes that it would bring AF. I'm guessing you can't fool those suckers, though. They seem to only bring AF when there's an actual hope that a positive is an option. I guess the damned test knew that any swimmers that entered my body were kept from coming into actual contact with my cervix...much less any possible eggs. (on another side not...those dollar store tests are so much fun with their little droppers and all!!! and I'm being serious, here. I felt like a little kid with a baking-soda and vinegar volcano kit!!!)

Corn and Crab Bisque

This turned out WONDERFULLY!!!

Corn and Crab Bisque

Prep Time: 15 Minutes
Cook Time: 30 Minutes
Ready In: 45 Minutes
Yields: 8 servings

***edit***
Substitute half & half for the whole milk.  This recipe is 4 points per serving.
***edit***

"Fresh corn cut from the cob and crab meat come together in this hearty, creamy, and easy to prepare bisque that's spiced up with cayenne and Cajun seasonings."

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/4 cup butter


• 3/4 cup onion, chopped


• 3 (14 ounce) cans chicken broth


• 3 cloves garlic


• 2 bay leaves


• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper


• 1 teaspoon Cajun seasoning


• salt and pepper to taste


• 4 ears corn, kernels cut from cob


• 1/2 cup heavy cream


• 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour


• 1/2 cup milk


• 16 ounces fresh lump crab meat

DIRECTIONS:

1. Heat butter in a large pot over medium heat. Stir in onion; cook until soft and translucent. Pour in chicken broth, and bring to a boil. Stir in garlic, bay leaves, cayenne pepper, Cajun seasoning, salt, and pepper. Stir corn into boiling broth. Simmer about 10 minutes. Reduce heat to medium low.


2. Remove 1 cup of soup, and set aside to cool slightly. Then pour into a food processor. Pour in half-and-half. Puree for 30 to 45 seconds, and set aside.


3. In a small bowl, stir together flour and milk. Slowly stir into simmering soup. Stirring constantly, simmer for 1 to 2 minutes. Then stir in pureed mixture.


4. Reduce heat to low, stir in crab meat, and cook until warmed through, about 5 minutes.


5. Sprinkle with cheese and serve with crusty bread! Enjoy!

Doh!!!

I cannot believe I let the holiday doldrums get me so down that I forgot one of the things that I am most thankful for...MY FRIENDS!

I only have a few IRL friends that I can really talk to. I am thankful for them. One in particular invited me over to hang out after I couldn't bear my family on Thanksgiving. Even though I shammed on her, she didn't even feel a need for forgiveness and gave approval that I had been out of my house for the many hours I'd been out. Thank you for understanding that it's just really hard for me to do many things. And thank you for not making a big deal out of it.

I have more OL friend that I can really talk to. I am even more thankful for them. One in particular has helped me keep the remains of sanity that I have now. She helped me realize that I am not a freak of nature, regardless of how I feel at times. She has been a beacon and a buoy in some very trying times of late. For this and so much more, I am very thankful.

You guys really rock and I love you!!!

Thank you and No Thank you

Yeah, Thanksgiving just wasn't what it usually is, yesterday. I wasn't very thankful. I'll try to keep this in proportion, though.

Things I was not thankful for

• Mr. W is out of town. (military life. yay.)
• My sister let the cat out of the bag that evil SIL got another BFP
• My sister also let it out of the bag that evil SIL's beta has already begun to drop
• My brother was supposed to tell me all of this the day before
• My mom told me that evil SIL's beta was already down from 5 to 3 and my only comment was, "She's not pregnant, then. How did they even consider this viable?"

So yeah, I really miss Mr. W. This is the first holiday that we've been apart. I knew it was something that would eventually happen. I'm not even really complaining, I'm just down about it, right now. And he'll be back soon. I'm lucky that he's not one of the guys that gets sent places for months at a time.

My sister felt horrible for telling me about evil SIL. She assumed that since I had spoken to my brother, that he had actually told me. Especially since the rest of my family told him that he really needed to do it before Thanksgiving (given that I'm an emotional basket case, right). She really was afraid that it ruined my day. She didn't know I'd already spent part of the morning crying for no reason other than the fact that I was feeling sorry for myself.

Any why couldn't my brother tell me? Who knows. I've given up on wondering why my brother does (or does not do) the things he does. I love him and accept him as he is. It would be nice if he would step up to the plate once in a while, though.

Seriously? That's the comment I had? Am I that big of a bitch, now? Wow! I really have to work on that one. I do feel sorry for evil SIL. Really I do. And I'm sure her beta had to be above 5 for the docs to say she was pregnant. (now I really don't understand why they would give her another blood test if her beta was already down to 5...that's considered negative.) My brother told my mom that they were going to "get a shot that wouldn't let this happen again). I can only assume that this means she's going to start getting a birth control shot. So be it. I've previously stated that I really don't think she should procreate anymore than she already has.

Things I am thankful for

• My sister lives across town from me (this is not our hometown) and welcomes me into her home anytime. She is there for me.
• My parents drove down to spend Thanksgiving with me and my sister.
• Mr. W called me the day before Thanksgiving just to wish me a happy Thanksgiving.
• My brother is "up to the plate" and is there for evil SIL in what I know is a difficult time (even for an evil person)
• It's the day after Thanksgiving and I can start putting up Christmas decorations!

So now I've got to jump into the shower so I can head over to the sister's house. I'm going to make dinner for the parents, sis, bil, the angelic niece, and the heathen nephews! Yummy!

Hopefully I'll get home in time to do some more cleaning around the house so I can have my tree up tomorrow. My parents are coming over for dinner and I'd like to have, at least, the inside of the house decorated. Does crab and corn bisque go with Christmas decor? Haha!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

How late is too late...

i googled how late is too late and got this image

I received a phone call from my Pastor's Wife, today. She was very nice and just wanted to make sure everything was well with me. She told me that my sister had informed her that I had laryngitis. Blah blah blah. More pointless conversation. Then out of nowhere, this woman that I've met once in brief passing, says, "And I heard about the baby..." (no really, she let the conversation end like that.)

So two months to the date after the miscarriage part of my BCMEP someone wants to bring it up. Someone that I do not know. Someone that heard about this from someone else. Although I'm sure she meant well...I don't know.

What do you guys think? How would you feel if someone randomly brought up such a sensitive subject close enough to the time it happened that it's still raw yet far enough away that you're not openly mourning anymore?

BCMEP

B-Bio
C-Chemical
M-Miscarried
E-Ectopic
P-Pregnancy

Those are all the terms I heard during my BFP related doctor's appointments. That's how I'm going to refer to all of it from now. My BCMEP. I'm sure some of my posts re-showed themselves if you subscribe to blo.glines or any such feed-reader-thingy. Sorry about that!

Salisbury Steak (with note)

Mr. W left today. Sniffle. But that's OK. I have family coming in this week and we're all going to get together at my sister's. It will be really nice. And I agreed to cook dinner for the entire family one night, so I think I'm going to make Salisbury steak and garlic mashed potatoes. It's so easy and kid friendly. Maybe toss a green bean casserole beside it. Yummy!

In case you're interested, here's the super easy super quick recipe!

Salisbury Steak

1 lb lean ground beef
¾ tsp seasoned salt
¼ tsp pepper
2 Tbs butter
8 oz sliced mushrooms
2 Tbs vermouth
1 14 oz jar or 10 oz can beef gravy

1. Mix ground beef, seasoned salt, and pepper. Form mixture into ¼” oval patties. Spray large skillet with cooking spray. Cook patties over med-high heat for 3 minutes on each side, or until browned on each side. Remove to plate and cover with foil. Drain grease (if any) from pan.

2. Add butter to pan and melt. Add mushrooms to pan and sauté for 3 -5 minutes. Add vermouth and cook for one minute. Mix in gravy.

3. Add beef patties to gravy. Cover and cook over low heat until patties are cooked through.

4. Serve & Enjoy!

Dirty Kitty

So the kitty was curled up in some funky type of heap on the recliner. I just had to (attempt to) take a pic. Can you tell where his head is? Haha!



Believe it or not, kitty is black. He looks a little ratty, huh? I think maybe I should suck it up and give him a bath. Ugh!

On another note, Mr. W leaves in the morning. :-(

Ever seen Money Pit?

I'm pretty sure whoever wrote the screenplay for that movie had my house in mind. No really, they had to!

Mr. W asked me to help him find the cause of a little leak he found under the house. Ok...easy enough! This should only take a few minutes!

NO!!! WRONG!!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!

We managed to make the leak show itself (before it was a wet spot on the ground). It wasn't promising. Then Mr. W cleared out the cleaning supplies from beneath the kitchen sink and cut a hole in the wall. Nope...leak was higher up.

Mr. W cut cleared out the cabinet to the side of the sink and cut a hole in the wall. Nope...leak was a little lower. Damn it!!!

***background info***
Mr. W has redone our kitchen two times already. He has put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into my beautiful kitchen.
***back to story***

Mr. W cut a hole in the wall between the counter top and the cabinet. We have a winner!!! The pipe in the wall was freaking busted!!! And not only was it a busted pipe, it's the main drain pipe for the master bathroom. Disgusting!!!! (for those that don't know, as I didn't earlier, everything that goes down my toilet, down my sink, or down my tub drain, goes down this pipe. please hold while I vomit and wash my hands profusely.)

He and I then spent the next few hours trying to cut and piece this pipe. We had holes all through our kitchen wall, and couldn't get it fixed. Mr. W even crawled under the house again to try and cut the pipe and pull it down. No good.

Finally my sister's hubby came over. He managed to put a new perspective on the same stuff we'd been trying to do. They finally had to pull a few pieces of siding down and cut out the outside wall to fix it.

This "little" project started around noon today. At 11:27 this evening, it's done. Well, the functional part of it is, at least. Tomorrow I get to clean everything up. Mr. W gets to patch drywall. Mr. W and I get to hang some new siding. Yay.

I guess I should just count myself lucky that I have someone who is capable of doing these things. Sigh.

Crap!

I almost let this day get away without blogging! What kind of NaBloPoMo-er would I be if I missed a day???

So my topic today is WTF is up with Mysp.ace?? I do have a Mysp.ace account, I admit it. And I've actually found it useful once in a while. If it weren't for Mysp.ace I wouldn't have met the dear friend that got me started with this blog. But, Wow! Some people on there!

An old friend from high school found me recently. We hadn't been friends for over a decade, but what the hell! That was so long ago! We've all grown up a lot in that time span, right? Apparently not.

Oh yeah! The past is the past for a reason! Time to put it back there!!!

Porcupine Meatballs

PORCUPINE MEATBALLS

PREP TIME 15 Min
COOK TIME 30 Min
READY IN 45 Min
Yields 4 Servings

INGREDIENTS
1 egg, lightly beaten
1/2 cup uncooked instant rice
2 tablespoons finely chopped onion
1 tablespoon minced fresh parsley
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 pound lean ground beef
1 (10.75 ounce) can cream of mushroom soup, undiluted
1 cup water
2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1/2 cup sour cream
Cooked Egg Noodles

DIRECTIONS
1. In a bowl, combine the egg, rice, onion, parsley, salt and pepper. Crumble beef over mixture and mix well. Shape into 1-1/2-in. balls. Place on the rack in a pressure cooker. Combine the soup, water and Worcestershire sauce; pour over meatballs.

2. Close cover securely; place pressure regulator on vent pipe. Bring cooker to full pressure over high heat. Reduce heat to medium; cook for 10 minutes. (Pressure regulator should maintain a slow steady rocking motion or release of steam; adjust heat if needed.) Remove from the heat. Immediately cool according to manufacturer's directions until pressure is completely reduce.

3. Mix sour cream into meatballs and sauce. Serve over cooked egg noodles. Enjoy!

This recipe was tested at 10/13/15 pounds of pressure (psi).

Can I have a chaser of 9-healthy-months with that shot?

Background info: My cold has turned into a sinus infection and laryngitis. I unable to speak in anything above a whisper.

Funny how people feel the need to whisper to you when you whisper to them. (not funny haha)

I went to the dol.lar tree looking for HPTs. I'm not doing anything proactive this month so I figured I'd stock up for the future. I had to ask where the tests were, because I couldn't find them.

Of course I had to whisper when I asked.

Me: "Do you have any pregnancy tests?"
Girl whispers back in an almost superior tone: "Yes. Do you need one?"
Me: "Yes."
Girl: she just stood there.
Me: "Where are they?"
Her: "There over there. Behind the counter. (insert pause as she just stares at me) Are you really whispering? Or..."
Me: "I have laryngitis. I really can't talk."
Her: "OMG. I'm so sorry! People come in here and there all secretive about questions like that."
Me: "I have no problem asking! We've been trying for a while."
Her: "Oh, it hasn't happened yet? You know they have that shot..."

Seriously! The world needs a huge dose of education as far as IF is concerned!!!

0-5 and CD16 is my friend (updated)

I'm giving that 1/4 day back to the cold. It earned it, I did not. My two hours of work do not count for me yesterday because I was miserable the whole time. As I am today, also. But here I sit at my desk, the dutiful employee! Grrrr

But my CBE monitor showed me the pretty egg today! Of course this isn't my monitor, because I'm on CD16, but that's what it looks like. Pity this egg is going to waste... But it's for the cause! Taking one for the team! Everything is falling into place for me to fly out to meet Mr. W for BD. If it all goes as it should (given my body's full cooperation), I'll either start AF two days before Christmas or test on Christmas. I'm not naive, though. I have enough sticks for my CBE and enough Pre-seed to last me through January (or February...not sure exactly).

***UPDATE***

I have NO sense of smell or taste (I know they're directly related). This is actually very very weird. Even with my worst colds I've always had some sense of taste. Not today. My coffee is like warm thick-ish liquid. Nothing else. I'm sure as the hot drink helps to open my sinuses my senses will return. Just a funny think I had to share!

1/4 - 3 3/4 and What's CD15's problem??

I'm at work right now, but by the time I actually post this, it will probably be from home. I've got a little bit of work that I cannot get out of, but I'm only here for an hour or two. This cold is seriously kicking my butt. The theory is floating around that since I got a flu shot Monday evening, I may be suffering from a mild version of the flu. I would buy that idea. Oh, and for the record, the taste Zi.cam multi-symptom Cold & Flu cannot be hidden by orange juice. Save the juice for a chaser and take the nasty medicine as a shot. Otherwise you're stuck drinking a whole glass of OJ that tastes like medicine. YUK!! JMHO.

Today is CD15 and my CBE monitor still shows me as high fertility. No egg? WTF? For the three months before my deceptive BFP I ovulated on CD15. Now today...nope. This is very disheartening.

I've seen the tarot card thingy on quite a few blogs lately so I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm not so sure I like my results, though.

You Are The Empress

You represent the ideal female figure: beauty and nurturing. You bring security and harmony to many. At times, you are also a very sensual person. You are characterized by love, pleasure, and desire. Your fortune: You need to take some time to think about the role of commitment in your life. It's possible you need to commit more to others, or deal with how others have treated you. It is very important for you to support your friends and family right now, difficult as it may be. You may need to look at your relationship with your mother, or your relationships as a mother.

What Tarot Card Are You?

0-3

At least I managed to make myself go to the store. It was the first actual stocking trip Mr. W and I have made since my short lived BFP. Needless to say the cupboards were extremely empty.

Old Mother Hubbard's cupboards are no longer bare, but she still has a cold. And she shared with Mr. W. :-(

0 - 2

Yeah, the cold (flu maybe) is still kicking my ass. Score two days for the cold.

Mr. W has gone to the store (second night) for more supplies. S.prite and Z.icam cold & flu. Ugh.

I've been able to read up on all the blogs I try to keep up on...unfortunately I don't have the energy to comment. :-(

I Surrender

I'm waving the white flag. The cold has officially won. I surrender!

Now please pass the ty.lenol and a few more blankets, please.

So unsure

I am so unsure of myself lately. I have plans and goals and dreams...I'm just not sure of them. My job, my life, my self...just not sure. I feel like I'm doing this all wrong.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not as depressed/hopeless as this post sounds so far. I am just so damn confused! I feel lost in myself, and I'd like out of here, thank you.

I adore my husband, but he's getting on my nerves. I feel like I'm neglecting him, but don't see how. I want to spend all my waking hours with him, but I get upset when one of his trips gets cancelled and I don't get my night to myself.

I hate my job, but can't force myself to leave it. Enough said on that one.

I don't really like who I am right now. I'm bitchy. I'm needy. I'm insert negative feeling one can have towards one's self here. I am still crying randomly.

Mr. W says that this is par for my course. I've not been on medicine for a while, now. This is not something I've ever dealt well with. He says that, while it's not his favorite me, he knows how to and will deal with it. I love that man.

While it's wonderful that Mr. W is ok with this pit of self loathing and confusion that I've thrown myself into, I am not. I would really like out. Now, please.

Now that I've gotten all of that out, can I just tell everyone how much I love this cool weather?! The fact that it's dark when I get off of work doesn't amuse me, but the beautiful weather makes up for it! Anyone for hot chocolate in front of a nice fire? (btw...by cool weather I mean 40-50 at night and 50-60 during the day...I love "cool" coastal weather!)

Starbucks Oracle (and my retort)

I found this on The Island.

The all-knowing Oracle of Starbucks

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: Lame

You're a simple person with modest tastes and a reasonable lifestyle. In other words, you're boring. Going to Starbucks makes you feel sophisticated; you'd like to be snooty and order an espresso but aren't sure if you're ready for that level of excitement. People laugh at you because you use fake curse words like "friggin'" and "oh, crumb!" Everyone who thinks America's Funniest Home Videos is a great show drinks Tall Vanilla Latte.

Also drinks: V8

Can also be found: On the couch at home

Lame? I think that's a little harsh. I am a little on the boring side, though. I do feel a little more sophisticated when I go to Starbucks...not quite as sophisticated as if I go to a real coffee shop instead of a chain, though. Isn't a latte a shot of espresso with steamed milk? And anyone who knows me IRL knows that I cuss like a sailor. Cover your ears because I very little control and drop the F-bomb at random! And for the record, I cannot stand ?America's Funniest Home Videos and can only tolerate V8! But you can always find me "on the couch at home"! Haha!

Super News!!!

Check out the good news!!!
http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/2007/11/breathe.html

Oh...and if you don't subscribe to Lost and Found and Connections Abound , I highly suggest you do. It's a wonderful way to keep up on people you already know and love and to find new friends or lost friends!

Vote for Mel & National Infertility Awareness Week

Vote For Mel!

She's a finalist for Best Medical/Health Issues blog and she needs your help. Please click here to vote for her (you can vote once every 24 hours). Hopefully it will allow her to raise awareness for infertility in what is National Infertility Awareness Week.

To fly or not to fly (with added dialogue)

That is the question. I'm terrified of flying. I have never done it and have always been of the mindset that if God wanted me to fly, I'd have wings. Now I'm faced with a situation (read: offer of a mini vacation and the possibility of conception). Here goes.

Mr. W will be out of town with work for two weeks in December. Right in the middle of those two weeks is when I will be ovulating and when we would be allowed to start trying again. I was pretty upset by that at first...but now an opportunity has been made available. I've been told by Mr. W, two of his co-workers/friends, and his boss that I should fly out.

I know about when I should be ovulating. I have a ton of vacation days available. My job has already told me that I just need to give them enough notice if I'm going to take time off. Why shouldn't I do this?

Here's why:

1. Even the thought of flying terrifies me. By terrify, I pretty much mean petrified with fear.
2. It will cost about $400 for the plane ticket. Although I know that's not that expensive, this is two weeks before Christmas that I'm talking about.
3. Seriously...have I mentioned how scared I am to fly?

So I'd really like some input from all of the wonderful people out in the blogosphere. What would you do?

Oh yeah...and I mentioned this to my bosses...and told them why I wanted to go(I'm over trying to be secretive about TTC). One's response was, "Why not wait until January?" My reply to her was, "Because that would mean that we wasted a month." Her response to that was, "So! You've got the rest of your life to have kids. Once you have them you have them forever." I chose to argue my family history of early menopause. Other boss said, "You might get so stressed out [due to flying] that you won't even drop an egg." My response to her was, "It's possible."

My pitiful yard...

You can click on the pictures to see in detail how icky my poor plants look.

I'm at a loss with my landscaping. I've tried! I promise I have! My azaleas in the back yard started dying over the summer so I went to the local plant guy and asked him what was going on. He told me that it was due to the heat. The solution he gave me was to move the mulch away from the plants so the roots could get more air. Done. Did it save them? Nope. They're holding on, but it's not due to moving the mulch.

He told me that it was also due to pests (unidentified). Sprayed the recommended spray. Did it save them? Nope. They're covered in black spots and barely holding on. Poor little twigs with, at most, 1/2 the leaves they should have.

Now it's moved to the azaleas in front of the house. :-( My poor azaleas. Oh yeah...it's also almost completely killed the baby cherry tree in the front yard.

Any suggestions are welcome...

Drunk Blogging

I'm taking a break from a block party that's going on (wasn't supposed to start until tomorrow night...preparty now I suppose). I've decided that I'd much rather be pregnant that drunk. Yeah. I already knew that, but this is the first time I've actually been intoxicated in a while, though. The last time I had an opportunity to drink I was "waiting". It was post-miscarriage pre-methotrexate, though. I was told to pretty much act like I was pregnant until they decided whether or not I was pregnant.

So all of the above was written last night. Tonight was the actual block party. It was a blast! I think I enjoyed it more because I wasn't drunk. How could I drink tonight. At 5 o'clock I was still trying to deal with my hangover. I found the cure...4 extra strength ty.lenol and a beer. I finally felt a little like a normal human being after that. It will definitely be another day or so before my stomach recovers. Haha!

Yeah, I just really don't know what I have to say, lately. I've got a lot going on in my head, but no words for it. I know it will come out eventually, just not now.

I also feel like a bad blogger. I'm reading everyone's blogs, but just don't have words for comments. I've tried to comment but always end up deleting because it just doesn't sound/feel right. But I promise I'm still thinking and still care.

Tomorrow is always another day.

3 FREE IVF CYCLES, Jacksonville, FL

Posted: Oct 27, 2007 9:46 AM Hi Ladies,

I know most of you are not in Jacksonville, FL area, but still wanted to share this wtih you:

Fertility Awareness and Family Building
Free Patient Education Seminar
Sat. Nov. 3, 2007
10-12:30

They will have speakers from the three Jax area fertility practices. And they will be giving away 3 FREE IVF CYCLES!

www.geocities.com/jaxfertility

The Book of Life

There is a church in NY, The Church of The Holy Innocents, that has a shrine with a book of life in it. The shrine is "dedicated in Memory of the Children Who Have Died Unborn". I went to their website and entered my baby into this book. This is the letter that they emailed back to me with a certificate. It was a surprisingly relieving way to help me grieve. There's something calming/relieving/peaceful about knowing that my never-born-baby is recorded somewhere.

Dear Amanda and Mr. Wonderful,

Your beloved baby, Baby Wonderful, will be forever remembered, loved and honored as your child's name has been inscribed in the Book of Life here at The Shrine of the Holy Innocents. In the words of our late Holy Father, Pope John Paul II, your baby is now "living in the Lord". We pray that you find comfort in knowing that your child is not alone, but rather, in the loving arms of Jesus. Attached is a Certificate of Life, in memory of your baby. (For help in opening/printing the file, please see below.)

Your child is a sacred, special, unique and unrepeatable person, made in the image and likeness of God, whose earthly life was brief, but significant and beautiful. God loves you and is with you on this journey of healing. I pray that you allow Him to touch your heart and bring you peace, especially in times of hurt, frustration, and questioning this life of ours.

Thank you so much for sharing about the life of your precious one. We are honored to remember your baby along with you. I pray that knowing that your child will never be forgotten here at the Shrine will help to console your hurting heart in some way.

On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15 pm Mass is celebrated in honor of the children whose names are inscribed in the Book of Life and for their families. Please contact me if there is anything I can ever do for you. If ever you are in NYC, please know that you are more than welcome to visit, to see where your precious baby's name is held. God bless you, I am praying for you.

Peace,
Siobhan

Siobhan M Bertone
The Shrine of the Holy Innocents
128 West 37th Street
New York, NY 10018
212 279-5861 x 224 (voicemail only)
shrine@innocents.com

Bored? Need some new reading?

Click on this (will open in a new window):

NaBloPoMo 07

Join the fun!

Preparations

Well...I'm prepared. As prepared as I'll apparantly ever be at this point.

√ - CBE Monitor
√ - CBE Monitor Test Sticks
√ - PreSeed
½ - 2 months TTA
№ - Mr. W in town during December fertile days
№ - HSG

This is as good as it gets, though. My OB/Gyn's office called back. Although my doc thought an HSG would be a good idea a few months ago, now she's changed her mind. I guess just getting a BFP ruled out the necessity. The fact that it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy doesn't change this lack of necessity? Whatever.

As far as Mr. W being in town when I need him in December...there's nothing I can do. He is government property regardless of what I say or do. My only option is to get over it. (Even though I had to laugh and Nancy's faux idea! Mr. W had just finished joking about just that! Ha!)

I was actually being optimistic before I spoke with my doctor's office. I figured it wouldn't hurt me to wait one more month. I am going to use that time to relax and verify that my CBE monitor is working (because there's no way my body wouldn't work, right). Now I'm a little thrown, though. I really don't like the thought of going into this without the definite knowledge there there's no blockage (partial or otherwise) in my tubes. Grr...one more thing to get over.

I'm really in a better mood that I sound. After all, it's Halloween! And I've got devil horns and heavy makeup on! And all the candy I can eat! Hooray!

You suck

Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to you Military. You really suck! You take Mr. W away at the most inopportune moments. You forced him to miss my Grandpa's funeral. You did not allow him to be there for me at my Granny's funeral. You have taken him away during more than one fertile day. You put him on third shift during my miscarriage. You really suck.

And now...now...I really hate you. We're allowed to start trying again in December. I'm due to ovulate right in the middle of the month. And you have him gone for the TWO WEEKS surrounding my fertile days!!! I HATE YOU!

And I even had a plan...

CD2

And all is well!

No really, I mean it. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. This weekend was miserable (rather I was miserable this weekend), but the weekend is over.

I realize, now, that I am still grieving, and that's OK. I am OK with it. I finally realize that it's something I have to do until I'm done. It's not within my control to stop the process and it's not healthy to try to control it. As long as I don't try to push it down and force it away then it's bearable. I. Am. OK. :-)

And yesterday AF came. I WAS ELATED!!! This is a new feeling for me, being happy that AF has arrived. But she is here on time!!! Shock! Gasp! 28 days prior to her arrival I had begun (yet again) cramping and spotting (not the miscarriage, the bleeding that began a week or so afterwards). I am so happy that she's here! It also helps to explain why the emotions were smothering this past weekend. That little hussy always makes it harder than it should be. But she's here and I feel better.

And I have a plan! I'm going to put my reasoning in another post, but the plan is set. I've got to call the doc today to schedule an HSG. I'm planning on getting the sticks for my CBE tomorrow. I'll monitor and watch the rest of this month to verify that I'm ovulating as I should be. In 27 days AF should be making another appearance and we're home free! In December we'll be watching the monitor and timing BD while using preseed. I figure I can do that for a few more months before I will demand some further action.

Right now I've decided to give my body a few more months to do this on it's own. (well, of course with Mr. W's help). After all, my cycles have only been regular since August. Before that my doctor wasn't even sure I was ovulating. I'll give my body one warning, though. The first month I don't get a positive OPK, she's in trouble!

So I'm calming down. I'm hopeful. And I've got a plan! What more could I want on CD2? :-)

You Ta.ste Funny! (tmi)

This is what Mr. W said to me the other night. Oddly enough, I've heard this from him before. (I've heard this before...not from him...but shhhhh) From the description I've been given, I am "acidic".

This used to confuse me a little. Of course, it also used to seriously wound my ego. Who wants that sort of comment, after all. I'm pretty sure I have a clue as to why this is, now. And I can see it directly relating to my inability to get pregnant after a lifetime of unprotected sex.

I not only taste acidic, but I am acidic. Well...my hoo-haa is. How does this relate to IF? Follow me here.

The walls of the hoo-haa are supposed to be a little acidic, it helps cut down on the unwanted flora and fauna. During ovulation the cervical mucus is supposed to be more alkaline. Semen is more alkaline, too. This is one of the reasons that fertile CM and semen get along so well.

You with me so far?

What if my fertile CM (I actually don't produce this in copious amounts anyway) is not alkaline enough? What if my hoo-haa is just a tad more acidic in general? This would make my hoo-haa hostile to sperm! This would explain why my body has stayed pregnancy free for so long. This would explain why the first time Mr. W and I used preseed, I received my first ever BFP.

Now of course I'm only working with Dr. Google on this one, but if all of this could be true, then we should be able to time BD with preseed (to counteract my hostile hoo-haa) and get another BFP in the time it would take a fertile couple. Right?

Anyone agree with me on this one? Anyone have any experience with pH issues? All comments or questions are welcome!

It's still not tomorrow

But it does feel a little closer.

I forced myself to go out last night. An old friend was having an oyster roast, so why not. I wasn't completely in the mood (obvious from last post), but I did it anyway. I made myself actually fix my hair and put on makeup. I made myself drive over then and be social. And I enjoyed it! Shock! Gasp! It wasn't a huge get together. It was small and calm, but nice. No one asked me anything about TTC or my loss. I brought it up once. It was relaxing.

And I ate. I blew my diet out of the water. And I don't care. I've decided that I'm not ready to diet, yet. I don't want to gain back anymore weight, but I don't want to deny myself right now. Food has always been very comforting for me.

I finally had one of those moments I've heard about. Mr. W and I were at Crac.ker Bar.rel and I almost had to go back home. I was looking at Christmas ornaments and happened across a "Baby's first Christmas". I just about lost it. Luckily my eyelids can blink very fast. Fast enough to force tears back. I'm not sure what triggered the second episode (less than 5 minutes later), but Mr. W was there that time and hugged me so I could hide my face for a minute. then I'm guessing he saw the very pregnant woman heading towards me because he ushered me outside a minute later. Unfortunately she didn't make it to her car before I turned around. But I'd luckily managed to get myself under control by then.

Lunch was pretty uneventful after my initial drama.

I just can't understand why every little baby thing bothers me unless it's directly related to a friend who's suffered with IF. Maybe if I pretended that everyone I see has had to live through it to get where they are. That's a thought.

Running crazy

I am so confused right now. My emotions are running wild. This is not my idea of fun.


I realized the other day that I would have been 10 weeks and 4 days. It was not a reminder I should have sought out.


In all logical thinking, I know that I was never as far along as I thought I was. Chronologically speaking, I was, but physically and literally, I was not. My pregnancy was pretty much a failed ectopic one. Not a loss at 5 weeks 4 days. Not a miscarriage, as we thought. Just a really tiny failed ectopic pregnancy.


Then why does it still hurt so much. Why did I find myself fighting to not walk out of work yesterday just because I didn't want to be there. Why am I unable to carry a decent conversation with Mr. W. Why am I crying while watching Silence of the Lambs.


I have so much hope for the future...the present is just weighing me down. Right now tomorrow never comes. It's always a day away.


And my heart hurts. I have so much to do today, but my heart hurts and it's making me cry.

One of my fav kitchen items... (for geohde)

Vida.lia Chop Wiza.rd

This is one of my favorite tools in my kitchen. I bought it only because I'm a compulsive shopper and I love cooking/kitchen tools. It turns out it was worth it, though!

I no longer "dice" anything. I cut it in 1/2 and push it through my chop wiza.rd. IE the chili recipe I posted...the celery, onion, pepper, and whatever else was supposed to be chopped, got shoved through this.

This thing is a total blessing for me. I'm sure it has saved many fingertips in the months that I've owned it. I may love cooking, but I am dangerous with a knife (and I don't mean that in a good way). I also love sharp knives. Sharp knives and bad knife skills do not equal kitchen safety! Hahaha!

Beef and Bean Chili

Beef and Bean Chili

POINTS® Value: 8
Servings: 6
Preparation Time: 28 min
Cooking Time: 40 min
Level of Difficulty: Moderate

Ingredients

• 2 tsp olive oil
• 1 medium onion(s), chopped
• 2 medium stalk celery, chopped
• 2 medium garlic clove(s), minced
• 1 small jalapeno pepper(s), seeded and minced
• 1 pound lean ground sirloin
• 2 Tbsp chili powder
• 2 tsp ground cumin
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 2 piece bay leaf
• 1/2 tsp table salt
• 1/2 tsp red pepper flakes, or more to taste
• 28 oz canned crushed tomatoes
• 1 cup canned beef broth, reduced-sodium
• 8 oz canned tomato sauce
• 30 oz canned kidney beans, rinsed and drained
• 1/2 cup shallot(s), chopped

Instructions

1. Heat oil in a large stockpot over medium-high heat. Add onion, celery, garlic, and jalapeño and sauté 4 minutes, until tender. Add beef and sauté until browned and cooked through, breaking up the meat as it cooks, about 5 minutes; drain mixture through a colander to remove excess fat.
2. Return beef mixture to pan (set over medium-high heat) and add chili powder, cumin, oregano, bay leaves, salt and red pepper flakes; stir to coat vegetables and beef with spices. Add tomatoes, beef broth, tomato sauce and beans, and bring mixture to a boil; reduce heat and simmer, partially covered, for 30 minutes.
3. To serve, discard bay leaves, ladle chili into bowls and top with chopped shallots. Yields about 1 1/2 cups per serving.

Yay!!

Check out the good news!!!
http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/2007/10/i-am-what-i-am.html

Oh...and if you don't subscribe to Lost and Found and Connections Abound , I highly suggest you do. It's a wonderful way to keep up on people you already know and love and to find new friends or lost friends!

In case you ever want to know...

You should not wear a skirt to physical therapy.

(this pic is not an acutal representation of what it looks like when a physical therpay patient wears a skirt...but you get the idea. haha!)

You're killing me!

I tried to write a letter to my diet to express my displeasure with it, but it just didn't quite work. It wasn't as amusing as I had hoped it would be.

Today is day 3 of Wei.ght Wa.tchers. Even though I had a glazed doughnut this morning, I'm still within my points. Yay! All of the greens and veggies are killing me, though! And the fiber, I can't forget the fiber. The build up of gas in my intestines has become unbearable! The distension and pain are not amusing! Ugh!!! And I'm always hungry. Grrrrrr....

I know! I know! I've done this before. After a week, the hunger will calm down. I won't stay hungry. I also know the issues with all the added fiber and veggies will go away, too. I want it to stop now, though! (stomping my feet and throwing my arms around) NOW!

And in case anyone ever wonders, one Kri.spy Kre.me Doughnuts chocolate iced custard filled doughnut is 7 points. And soooo worth it!!! (and this is in addition to the glazed doughnut with breakfast)

Oh, and I added a weight loss counter up top, too. It's an old code that I updated so my starting weight is what it was when I first started Wei.ght Wat.chers in April (maybe June).

Baked Beef Ziti

Baked Beef Ziti

POINTS® Value: 5
Servings: 8
Preparation Time: 25 min
Cooking Time: 50 min
Level of Difficulty: Moderate

Ingredients:

• 12 oz uncooked ziti
• 1 tsp olive oil
• 2 medium garlic clove(s), minced
• 1/3 pound raw lean ground beef
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 1 tsp dried thyme
• 1 tsp dried rosemary
• 1/2 tsp table salt
• 1/2 tsp black pepper
• 28 oz canned crushed tomatoes
• 1 cup part-skim mozzarella cheese, shredded

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
2. Cook pasta according to package directions without added fat or salt; drain and set aside.
3. Meanwhile, heat oil in a medium saucepan over medium heat; add garlic and sauté 2 minutes. Add beef and cook until browned, breaking up the meat as it cooks, about 3 to 5 minutes; drain off any fat and return pan to heat.
4. Add oregano, thyme, rosemary, salt and pepper; stir to coat beef. Cook until herbs become fragrant, about 2 minutes.
5. Add tomatoes and bring mixture to a boil; reduce heat and simmer for 5 minutes.
6. Spoon a small amount of tomato mixture into the bottom of a 4-quart casserole dish (just enough to cover the surface). Top with half of the cooked ziti and then layer with half of the remaining tomato sauce and half of the mozzarella cheese. Layer remaining ziti on top and top with remaining sauce and mozzarella cheese.
7. Bake until cheese is golden and bubbly, about 30 minutes.

Yields about 1 cup per serving.

Show some love...

Farah could really use some love right now. I'm sure just about anyone who reads this already reads her, but just in case.

Any suggestions? (with updated questions)

Does anyone have any contraceptive ideas? We've been ordered to use two forms until we're out of our two month waiting period. I think I can handle the cond.oms. I cannot handle the foam. I am still having some discomfort this morning from that goop!

I am super sensitive. I had hoped that since a couple of years had passed that I would possibly be a little less sensitive, but it appears I am not. I can tolerate the latex from the cond.oms (and if this changes, I'll switch to non-latex or lambskin). I cannot tolerate "foam". I cannot use a diaphragm (a couple of reasons. if anyone really wants to know, I'm happy to share). Does anyone have anymore suggestions? I'd hate to double up and use a male and female cond.om. I have the sneaking suspicion that it would possibly negate the purpose of recreational s.e.x.

So, that's my TMI for the day. I'd love any input or comments anyone has! Thank you!!!

***Updated questions***

Has anyone ever used or heard anything about the "sponge"?
Does anyone know of any spermicides besides Nono.xynol-9?

Fermeture...Schliessen...Chiusura...Fechamento...Encierro

Closure...

My hCG level was 5 yesterday!!! Yay!!!!! This means a couple of things:

1. My cycles should start getting back to "normal" (hopefully)
2. Mr. W and I are going to be a little busy tonight! Yay!!!

This second one especially rocks because I'm leaving for the weekend tomorrow at noon. I really hate for either one of us to leave on a trip without a little bit of lovin'.

Looks like my wish came true! Maybe I should wish for $1,000,000 next...

***UPDATE***

SHIT! It just hit me that I had made a deal with myself that I'd start Weight Watchers when my hCG hit negative. Can't start this weekend because I'll be at Carowinds. I guess it's back to the diet-grind on Monday. Ugh! Wish me luck!!! :-)

What dreams may come

The title really doesn't have anything to do with the post...I just really love that statement. It sounds so hopeful or desperate, depending on what mindset you're in at the moment. I'm a little bit of both right now.

I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday! "You don't even need this Xan.ax! You jumped the gun! You go girl!"

I lied. I spoke too soon. Shortly after my pat-on-the-back I realized I was mistaken. I was wrong.

Last night I was antsy. I woke up this morning to the familiar feeling of needing to vomit. All day I've been...tense, nauseous, wanting to do anything other than what I'm doing.

I don't want to take the meds because they're only a temporary fix. I don't want to go back on meds because I want to go back to TTC after my two month wait. I want to feel better, but I'm not at a place that I can remember how I used to make myself feel better. I want to cry. I want to crawl into bed and cover up and just lay there with my eyes closed, in silence.

I finally got caught up on a lot of overdue blog-reading today. It was actually more comforting that I thought it would be. I didn't have a lot of good comments to leave, like I would have liked, but it was nice. Therapeutic, almost. I feel a little better. I wish I could understand why.

I wish I could understand where this anxiety comes from. The absolute fear and dread...of nothing. I dread going home because my husband may speak to me (wtf???). I dread going to work because I may have to work. I dread going to the sewing class...just because I'd be there.

And I've been here before...but I can't freakin remember how to get out!! And I want out.

Garlic Cream Shrimp with Rigatoni

Garlic Cream Shrimp with Rigatoni

Ingredients

• 12oz uncooked rigatoni
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 3 medium garlic cloves, minced
• 1 large sweet red pepper, chopped
• 4 Tbsp reduced-fat sour cream
• 1/4 cup wine, white, dry
• 1 pound shrimp, medium, flesh only or 2lbs, peeled and deveined
• 4 medium scallions, chopped
• 2 Tbsp fresh parsley, chopped

Instructions

Cook rigatoni according to package directions. Drain and set aside.

Coat a nonstick pan with cooking spray, heat and add onions, garlic and pepper. Cook for 2 minutes, lower heat and stir in sour cream and wine. Add shrimp and cook until pink.

Stir in rigatoni, scallions, and parsley and warm through.

I love this recipe! It is not mine, though. It's from Weight Watchers (10 points per serving, 4 servings total). And since Mr. W is allergic to anything from the water, I get to enjoy this while he's out of town! I knew there was an upside to his job! :-)

Show her some love

My dear friend Farah could use some love and support right now. She's going through a really rough time right now. Please show her some blog-love!

http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/

Score one for me!

I finally heard from the doctor's office at 10:30 (they called in on another line after I had been sitting on hold with their office for about 2 minutes). My doctor had conferred with two other doctor's in the practice and they decided that although my numbers are not doing exactly what they would like, they're low enough. And they're moving in the downward direction. I did not have to have more methotrexate today. Yay!!!!

As soon as they told me this, I asked if they would have the doctor call in something for my nerves. Before I got serious with my TTC journey, I was on medication for anxiety. Up until this part of my journey, I have managed to keep my anxiety at bay. Not now. The roller coaster that I have been on is too much.

I have found myself on the verge of a pretty nasty cliff the past week. At the bottom of this cliff is a lot of nasty emotions. Emotions that I have managed to move past. Emotions that are not even real...they're reactions to unrealistic views that I had years ago. I do not want to go off this cliff and I will not go off this cliff.

So hopefully this roller coaster is coming to an end. Hopefully my numbers will continue to drop at a decent rate. Hopefully a few xa.nax are all I need to keep me sane until I manage to sort through all of this in my mind.

And there's always tomorrow! And tomorrow can always be something better than today!!!

update

4 days after the methotrexate hCG is 36
7 days after the methotrexate hCG is 32
9 days after the methotrexate hCG is 29

This is only a 9% drop. The doc says it's not good enough. They waited until 5:15 to call me and tell me this (if anyone can tell me the point of putting a "stat" on my blood order, I'd appreciate it). Tomorrow morning they'll call me to let me know what time to come in for more shots. I'll have to go by the pharmacy and pick up the vials of stuff, first. Then it will be back to work because they're pissed about all the time I've missed because I can't even do an ectopic pregnancy correctly.

Tonight's dinner consisted of a caramel and chocolate syrup sundae, cookies, and pretzels (I did not mix the sugar with the salt, at least).