For those of you here from the beginning, you might remember I used to have a blogger blog. Well…with the help of a good friend, I’m heading back over! I’m not going pwp or anything, I just miss the functionality of blogger. So please, update your readers (all 3 of you!) and follow me on over!
Oh yeah, and I might actually do a real update over there at some point today. 😉
http://waitinginline.blogspot.com/
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No, I’m not talking about drinking or rolling smokes. I’m talking about infertility.
Let’s start with my Mom. Her and dear old Dad got married fresh out of high school. He joined the Navy then she joined him in Jacksonville, FL. A year or so after they got married, and before they knew it they had my sister.
A little ways down the road, they wanted another (honestly my Mom wanted 10, but dad had some sense in his head). Three losses and 4 years after my sister, it wasn’t happening. My parents decided it was time to get some help, so they went to a specialist. From what they could figure, something wasn’t working quite right with my Mom so they tried this newish drug called Clomid. Let me tell you how freaked out my Mom was when she started her first round of Clomid and was then informed by her Mom that fraternal twins run in our family…she was convinced she was going to have a litter!
After round three of Clomid my Mom had another period but dutifully went back to try again. After round four she heard those magical words from the doctor, “You’re pregnant!” Come to find out, round three had worked and she was already two months pregnant with me…and my twin brother. 🙂 Of course she didn’t find out until much later that she was pregnant with twins and even then they were convinced it was identical twin boys. Since I was born second, I really threw the room for a loop. Surprise! It’s a girl! My sister and I are 5 years apart in age.
[side note: When my Dad found out my Mom was pregnant and it was sticking he said he was getting a vasectomy. His reasoning was that he was not letting her go through this any more (harsh, but that’s love). Her response? “I HOPE IT’S TWINS!”]
Now let’s backtrack a little and talk about my Mom’s Mom…Grandma. I didn’t find this out until my Grandma wasn’t lucid enough to talk about it, but it seems she had fertility problems, too. Her and Grandpa got married right before he went off to boot camp (military men seem to be what the women in the family go for, huh?). She got pregnant with my Aunt and her twin on his first leave…their honeymoon. She was devastated since she wasn’t ready to be a mother (18) and her husband had just been shipped off for WWII. Unfortunately my Aunt’s twin didn’t survive the pregnancy.
A little while later my grandparents decided they wanted to have another child. It didn’t happen as easily as the first time and my grandma had to have “painful treatments” to conceive my Mom. She always told my Mom how hard they worked for her. I have no clue what sort of tests or treatments they had for IF in the late 40’s early 50’s but Grandma did something. As far as losses go, I have no clue. Besides my Aunt’s twin, I don’t know if Grandma had any other losses. This woman only talked about sex to try and terrify my Mom (then my sister, then me) of it. Pregnancy was something you didn’t want, but would get if you kissed a boy (or rubbed against, or got naked in front of). My Aunt & my Mom are 6 years apart in age.
So I guess you could say infertility and twins are a family tradition for us!
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I didn’t know anything about my family’s history if infertility until Tim and I started having issues getting pregnant. When time kept going by and I kept talking about it to my Mom it came out. “You and your brother were conceived on Clomid.” Want to talk about jaw dropping? I think I learned about my Mom’s losses when I had my ectopic pregnancy.
Today Mom and I were talking about National Infertility Awareness Week. We talked about our family’s history of IF. We talked about our shared history of losses.
Me: You, of all people, know what it feels like. You remember!
Her: I remember crying every month when my period would come. I remember wondering why my body was killing babies. I remember thinking, “Why ME?!?!?!”
Decades later, three children later, grandchildren later, a lifetime later she still feels the pain of Infertility and loss. Even as I listen to my Clomid twins waking up from their nap, I still feel the pain of Infertility and loss.
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I wish I had a picture to go with this, but I don’t. Oh well! You’ll have to picture it for yourself.
Tim, the boys, and I were driving back from Western NC/Eastern TN Thursday morning. He had both the boys in his truck (he missed them so much he wanted them to ride with him…works for me!). We stopped in a parking lot so he could re-situate something in the back seat. I could hear the boys “talking” but all I could see of them was Trip’s feet swinging and kicking as he giggled about something his Daddy was doing. It just kind of hit me how blessed I am and was all I could do to not jump out of my van and grab him out of his seat to smother him with kisses.
Definitely a perfect moment!
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Tim and I talked a little about TTC today. I think he’s a little worried that I’m putting a ban on the baby factory that will never be lifted. I’m not doing that…I don’t think. But we were able to listen to each other and it was good.
For today we’re not going to TTC. We can revisit the topic in a couple of weeks (May 1 to be exact…since that will be the the last active pill of this pack).
What would Tim like? If time and money weren’t a factor he’d have as many kids as possible! Since they are a factor he’d like to have one more.
What would I like? If time, money, and miscarriage weren’t a factor? I’m in the same boat that he is.
But time, money, and miscarriage are all factors so we’ll discuss this more beginning May 7.
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If you haven’t read about what Mel & Resolve are up to, well…why not? Have some tissue handy if you’re going to read through the comments.
My what IF? What IF I spend my childrens’ hard earned childhood miscarrying their siblings?
I didn’t even realize until I typed it, but this is one of the main reasons I’m hesitant about TTC again. I AM terrified of losing another pregnancy. Yes, I have had a successful pregnancy (immensely successful if I do say so myself). I have also had unsuccessful pregnancies. Three of them, by my count. 1st one, no clue what happened…2nd one, ruled ectopic but barely missed being ruled chemical…3rd, triploidy natural miscarriage. 4 pregnancies, 4 outcomes, 1 positive, 3 negative. Luckily it looks worse on paper than it is in real life, because I think we can all admit that 1 positive outcome is amazingly positive and gets better each day.
But do I want to risk the emotional and physical trauma of more losses? The pain isn’t overwhelming now, but each loss dredges up the old pain and compounds it. My boys are young right now, but as they get older they’ll see what Tim and I are going through. Do I want to do that to them? Do I want to do it to me or Tim?
Of course this is only one of the reasons I don’t want to TTC right now, but it’s definitely the most emotional and physical reason. The other reasons are purely time and money.
So what’s your What IF?
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Head on over to Danifred’s for what might be the last Friday Night Leftovers. (Boooo!!!)
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Tim’s semi-formal graduation dinner is coming up very soon. As in 11 days away, soon. What? I didn’t mention he’s been away at school all month? Yeah. Gotta love the military when they give you 3 days notice that your husband is leaving for six weeks.
But the important question today is, which dress should I wear??? I ordered a bunch of dresses and decided to let my internet buddies pick one out for me. Please ignore the hair, lack of makeup, and fact that all of the dresses are wrinkled. Please also forgive the blurry shots and bad lighting…self portraits suck.
Please vote, even if you’ve never commented! The poll is on the right and will be open for a week. 🙂
Dress 1
Dress 2
Dress 3
Dress 4
Dress 5
Dress 6
Dress 7
Dress 8
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Today I would be 19 weeks pregnant, if I hadn’t miscarried. But I’m honestly OK, now.
I just realized that pregnancy announcements don’t feel like a knife through my heart. I was able to read of a bloggy-buddy getting to see her little one’s heartbeat, and I felt pure joy for her! There was no jealousy or envy or any other negative emotion, just happiness for her and her husband. I’m also no longer envious of the people that are due around when I was due.
I am completely happy with what I have and want nothing more*! 🙂
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Little Monkey Toes Boutique Etsy Store What am I crocheting?
Waiting No More 