wantingsomethingbetter

Well, jeez, hadn’t realised that it was so long since I had written a post 😳 looking at my stats it’s amazing that I still have new followers and readers on a regular basis – hi 👋 to you all 💛

Still sober, still happy being sober (phew – that’s a relief 😅), still intending to stay sober (phew – that’s a double relief 😅😅) . 

So what’s new ? Anything ? Well the biggest bit of anything new is that while I may think occasionally about ‘drinking’ – the activity itself rather than any thinking about ‘doing’ it – that is all it is, and for the most part if it (as a subject) comes into a convo, I’m letting it be known that life is just so much more fabulous without it – this causes so many people to stare wide eyed in amazement, especially if I’m heard muttering my usual ‘thank god I don’t drink anymore’ 🙃

So why no posts ? I don’t know really as I do my best to remain an active member of a wonderful small Facebook sober family, they are my stable foundation and keep me well and truly grounded, paddling around together in this brand new word, supporting each other when times are tough, and sharing the joys of life, and sober milestones together – I even had the joy of meeting up with one lovely lady up  north earlier this year in real life, now that was special, really special 😻

Reading material remains key in my recovery, but can be hard going. The deeper I delve into the ‘why’ of why I drank the more stable my sobriety becomes, but also more and more uncomfortable memories surface and nightmares occur that I have to deal with. These I have learned, through mediation and other tools, to sit through as there is nothing to numb them with, no cold glass of Pinot to drown them with – and I wouldn’t want to numb or drown them as they are ultimately setting me free. 

My ex is now truly my ex now as the divorce is done (double, triple phew 😅😅😅) this help immensely in my sobriety; my mom and sister are still generally unpleasant people so I keep them well n truly at arms length, this helps MASSIVELY in my sobriety – so that’s the majority of my triggers dealt with – Yay 😁 – toxicity and toxic people really do need to be kept to an absolute minimum and otherwise fomo doesn’t play a part in life anymore as there is no such thing as a good time in drinking wine left out there for me or my immediate loved ones. 

Now cake……

A very different story 😉

Bye for now 

WSB 💛

As part of my recovery I’ve realised that I’d started looking inward – not a bad thing – but this looking inward had started to take me inward a little to far, so it’s now time to actively bring my attention back outside of myself again. I’ve been very aware of maintaining my sobriety but it’s something that I’ve been holding close to me, holding it close to my heart like a new born that needs protection. 

What I’ve learned during this time has in some ways been earth moving but on the other hand none of it has been a surprise. The most beautiful moving part was after listening to a Tara Brach (?) lecture that Lucy from a Hangover Free Life posted a link to. OMG 😲 her talk on The Realm of Hungry Ghosts – I was so blown away from the sense of self discovery after taking part in the exercise she did in the lecture. 

In the past during counselling I’d touched on my relationship with my mum but I had no idea just how much of an effect it had had on me until this point. At age 4 I witnessed her having what was then called a nervous breakdown, she went on to try with her first of 2 suicide attempts, something I didn’t understand then but instinctively felt at the time that it was my fault she was in hospital. This is my earliest memory and to be honest they don’t improve much in general after that. 

As an adult who now has a better understanding of my parents relationship I know it had nothing to do with me but I do now realise that much of my loneliness stems from that hole in my soul that has been left by that event and subsequent events. Rather than further upset and soul searching this knowledge has bought me a sense of calm. I can’t change the past but I can influence the future. This knowledge also allows me to feel much more compassion for my mum as I know it wasn’t her fault either it was just what she was going through at the time as a 20yr old with two young children and an alcoholic husband. 

Self discovery and realisation ….. to be continued. 

Love and sober hugs to you all  

WSB ❤️

So what’s the one thing that gets you through the day ……..

We all have lots of tools that we use in different circumstances but if you had to name one thing that you just can’t do without what is it ???

For me it’s Lavender (P.S. it’s almost a bit of a cheat answer on my part as lavender has many uses 😇)

WSB
💛💛💛

Hellooooo 🙌

Yes still here, still sober and still happy to be sober. That’s not to say I haven’t had the odd wobble, the lovely early summer sunshine has definitely been a bit triggery as I used to think there was nothing better than sitting outside at the end o the day with a nice ice cold glass of Pinot. I have now got a nice alternative tho being San Pellegrino with lemon and mint – it doesn’t taste remotely like pinot (a good thing) but it hits the taste buds in just the right spot.

But anyhow I digress, I wanted to drop in and say hi. I keep getting this feeling that I aught to write something but can never manage to string more than a sentance or heading together without doubting myself and thinking ‘oh f..k it’ and going off and getting some chocolate instead. Is this good or bad ? I can’t quite work it out.

I do still avidly read, read and read your blogs, but can’t ever find the right words to comment, which I do feel bad about, but it’s the same with my online support group where I dip in with the odd smiley face or such but feel like it’s too dangerous to do much more as I’m finding some of their posts too triggery.

I’m hoping this is just a phase and that if I keep my head down that I’ll get past it. 10 months this month and I’m not prepared to let THAT go, life is still massively better than it’s been my entire adult life so I’m just going to keep a hold of this thought at the front of my mind and keep moving forward.

I have the funeral of a very dear friend to attend this week, he died as the result of drink …. so sad for his family who are not only grieving for the person they lost last week but also the person he once was but that they will never ever see again …. this is where any of us could have left our family … this is why I want something so much better for mine.

Love and hugs to all, especially any of you that are struggling with some aspect of sobriety or being sober.

Bye for now
WSB💛

🎉Happy New Year one and all🎉 hope it was a good one, and that it was kind to you wherever in the world you are reading this from. Weather has been seriously bad here in the UK, so it’s a very good thing I’m still firmly aboard the sober wagon as otherwise I’d have had more than enough opportunities and made plenty enough excuses as to why a bottle or more of wine would be needed while home hiding indoors from the wind and rain. Roll on summer, hopefully by then the El Ninio weather front or whatever it is that’s causing this very unpleasant weather will have shoved off by then ☔

Well life in the WSB household continues AF, we’re all pretty worn out after Christmas and New Year festivities but being an AF household over the festive season has paid dividends ….. and wow, wow, wow what a difference ….. dinner on the big day was and always is an all day job when it’s just the three of us ….. after a rather bracing walk with darling daughter and the dog (in the rain of course) breakfast cum late morning brunch was had, moving in to the main dinner mid afternoon, puddings and cheese etc for tea then anything anyone fancied from the leftovers for supper ….. hmmmm it was good, but what was even better was being sober and present, the bestest ever Christmas present I could give myself and also to those who live in the WSB household – especially the late morning walk (which i thoroughly enjoyed) as my traditional champagne and orange juice breakfast was replaced by just juice then hot drinks from a Costa machine in the local Service Station and our lovely walk in a really beautiful part of Shropshire. In the past I would ordinarily not been sober enough to drive on Christmas Day and resented it any time I couldn’t have my Proseco or Champagne to get the day of to a ‘proper’ start …. life really is so much better sober and I was also amazed just how many other walkers there were out too for Christmas morning 😃

That’s not to say I haven’t had my wobbles though. Jeeze there have been days when at least once every hour or so I have so craved the idea of being able to check out of life on the sofa and disappear into an alcohol induced fog, luckily the prospect of the inevitable hangover and the undoing of all I’ve worked towards since Nune last year has been enough to make me metophorically slap myself about the face to bring me back into the reality of the moment and life and so go get something to eat or drink (AF of course) as I eventually came to realise my hap hazard eating patterns over Christmas were probably to blame, and hey presto, since I started back on my 3 to 4 moderate sized meals a day, so long as I stick at it I’m ok? ‘H.A.L.T’ …. ha ha no shit Sherlock but I do find it’s not always easy to remember to go through these neccessary self care check lists when I’m the middle of it all 😯

Keep sAFe and blogging
Bye for now
WSB
💛💛💛

In the run up to Christmas I’ve started really enjoying being sober, not that I was unhappily trudging along before, but there is this slow slow slow feeling of a joy for sobriety starting to creep in.

I love the fact that I can make plans to do stuff at a later date without having to worry about how I/we will get home – for instance we have been invited out for New Yr to a house party, this time last year it wouldn’t have even occurred to me to go as the taxi home would be far too expensive, whereas this time a year later it didn’t even occur to me to consider that I’d have issues as I’d be driving us anyway … SOBER … hey how good is that ????

Last night at my lovely neighbours house we were making Christmas door garlands …. Yes that one in the picture is the one I’ve made …. the first thing that my daughter says ???? are you sure you didn’t buy that off Sally …. wow what a wonderful compliment I took that to be as said Sally makes them professionally !!!! But last night was another example of how far I’ve come as once again this time last year I wouldn’t have considered disscussing my relationship with my ex in any depth apart from letting it be known he was/is a controlling, hard core alcoholic whereas, this time this year I end up swapping and comparing stories with another guest who totally got it and had been there too …. it was almost the same story including escaping and surviving the backlash …. wow we really never are alone in the world or in fact in anyway unique …. but facing and letting go of my demons in sobriety is becoming incredibly liberating …. and even better, last night this was all for free and included no expensive therapy other than shared experience.

Love and peace for all in this build up to Christmas 🎅