June 16, 2012

To All the Jen Lindley’s of the World…

By weepingangel77

Today is a totally shitty day. The kind of day where I just had the urge to scream out “Leave me the hell alone”…except there was no one to yell it to as I was already, as always, alone. So…I did what melodramatic feeling people always do (or more truthfully what I always do when I feel melodramatic) I stayed in my PJ’s and spent the day lying on my couch crying. Now I am not pathetic enough to cry without reason so…I decided to finally finish my re-watch of the legendary melodramatic teen drama that is Dawson’s Creek. If that doesn’t make you cry well then my fellow bloggers you either have no heart or no melodramatic bones in your body. I, quite obviously, have plenty of both so I now sit here with my tear streaked face and stuffed up head, exhausted from all the sobbing and ready to relay to you my grown up reaction to an old favorite.

In a phrase….WHAT THE HELL???!!!! Oh my lord, no wonder we are all so messed up when we live with the childlike love to television that makes us think THAT is what real life is life. Or…on the other hand WHAT THE HELL….why does life have to be like that? I have yet to sort out which one I really think on this shitty day of mine.

First, though, before I say anything else I just have to ask….what the frak did Jen Lindley ever do to deserve her lot in life? I mean my god!! She never, ever, ever got the guy for more than like a week and even then it was always just a guy who had already, and probably soon would again sleep with one of her luckier friends. She went through EVERY imaginable teenage drama and just when you thought that maybe, maybe she could find happiness within the not easy to swim waters of single motherhood….nope, lets kill her instead. I mean seriously!!!! I think that there are two possibilities here…either someone on the writing staff of this show knew a real life Jen Lindley and HATED her with a passion to rival any love in any story ever, or maybe there are really just some people who have shitty luck and a shitty life. Which is not to say she/they are never happy. I mean there are moments and sure there are “friends” but really….poor girl. I, because I am of course writing this on my own shit day, totally empathize with her!! Life is awesome sometimes but…man sometimes you just feel like a freaking Jen Lindley. Everyone else finds some kind dream or happiness or whatnot but not you, you just die. Geeze.

And another thing…what the hell is so great about Joey Potter? I mean I have to say that I used to LOVE her. I used to think I was like her. The bookish, smart, shy girl afraid of new things but that would ultimately travel the world, have all of her dreams come true and somehow end up with the guy. Or all the guys for that matter. Holy hell. This girl was a nightmare. I hope I was never like her. I truly think I would rather be the poor girl that just dies than just treat these men like shit and always expect them to be there. Because even if they were there (or are there in real life) you have NO idea what real life is or who you are without a man. Get a backbone Joey Potter. And girls…please don’t try to be like her. She treated people badly. Sure she came out great but…expect more for and of yourself. And sure, the show was supposed to be them growing up and realizing those mistakes and becoming better…but she never did. I mean right to the end it was this eternal question of who would she choose…why did any of them give her the option? I tell you what, Eddie was probably the most real guy that came into this show and he had the right idea….RUN. Run away from this girl who kept using and ditching guys (and girls for that matter….what about her saying in the last season to Audrey that she had never had a real girl friend before her…hello, again…Jen Lindley anyone?). Joey Potter was kind of a bitch.

And guys…don’t be a Pacey, or a Dawson for that matter. Both men deserved way better than those writers, or that girl, gave them. I think maybe that is why Jen Lindley didn’t ever get the guy…because she didn’t want a guy who couldn’t give over the crush and realize that a girl who treats you like that is NOT the prize of a lifetime. Of course that is not the reason she didn’t get them but I like to placate myself with that thought.

Jack I really have nothing to say about. He was just the token gay guy, sort of. I mean really he was never very gay when you think about it. Anyway.

So there is my rant. Dawson’s Creek is stupid. Which is not to say I don’t love it. I adore it. It will always be a favorite, especially on my melodramatic days. I guess today I just hope it isn’t real life. I hope I am not, as I suspect, an unwitting supporting actor who just gets killed off for the sake of some good cries. I hope not all men wait around for flighty stupid girls who never make up their minds. I hope girls do not need to have a string of men hanging on them to have self worth. I hope gay boys don’t have to be not so gay. I hope life is NOT like Dawson’s Creek. In some ways I think it actually kind of is. But hopefully not always. Hopefully there are those of us who can rise about all the madness. But, having said all of that, I do hope people keep making stupid dramas about the absurdity of it all.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Life, Television

June 13, 2012

Where Have I Been…

By weepingangel77

So earlier this week when a friend asked me for the link to this page and I realized I could not even remember how to get INTO this page, I remembered how I wanted to use this page for writing and contemplating, and how I am obviously not doing that. Ooopps. So anyway. I am back, to try again. Maybe this time I will do better. Maybe.

On my way into work today I was, as always, driving on the interstate and was greeted by a sign that I am starting to get used to but wholeheartedly hate. It is an overhead information board that greets me daily with an updated TN roadway fatality figure. This is followed by a cheerful warning “please don’t be next”.

Really???!!! I mean seriously, I kinda get what their aim might have been. Let’s show people how serious driving is and scare them into being careful. Morbid and kinda mean…but I can see it. But let’s be honest. That is NOT what is happening. I mean every single day the number goes up so obviously it is not working. But to me it is also in really bad taste.

I am on my way to work in the morning, trying to get myself woken up and mentally prepared for a positive day at my workplace and BOOM…5 more people died since yesterday. Are you kidding me? Maybe I am just too sensitive but immediately this changes my whole mindset. I am thinking about these poor people. I am wondering how many of them had kids, how many of them were kids, what are their families going through this very minuet? I am thinking about the families I know who have been through that already and how hard it was. And now I am thinking how hard it must be for them to see a daily reminder of such a horrible event. By the time I get to work I am sad and morose and not in a positive place AT ALL.

Even if you are not quite as contemplative as all of that, the signs are, in the words of one of my facebook friends, distracting. When you are looking at them at the very least you are trying to remember what the number was yesterday to figure out how many since then. No one is focusing on driving better. That was the intention right?….EEEK.

Okay so TN department of transportation, we see what you were trying to do. We get it. Sort of. But it is not having the desired effect okay? No one likes the signs. Please take them down!!

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Life, Uncategorized

February 1, 2012

Much to Young to Feel This Damn Old

By weepingangel77

So a funny thing has been happening to me lately…I have been getting old! I know, I know…this is not a NEW thing but it has really been hitting me hard lately. I think it might have a lot to do with having my nephew living with me almost full time now, but I am not positive. He has always held a huge part in my life. I think it is just finally really happening…yuck.

For me my adult life has been characterized by an increasing sense of liberalness. I am not sure that sentence was grammatically correct or if that is even a real word, but what I mean is I was raised to be VERY conservative. As I got older and was able to discover myself for myself, I became increasingly more liberal. I dress more liberally, I think more liberally, I vote more liberally…etc. etc. BUT in the recent past I find myself more and more often shocked by liberal ideals in our world.

An example: I love to watch stupid teen drama on TV. Always have, make no apologies for it! 🙂 A show I am currently watching, and loving until now, is Pretty Little Liars. A group of ridiculously beautiful teenage girls are being stalked and tortured by an unknown texter. Okay sounds pretty dumb but I enjoy it. One of the story lines, however, is really starting to make me mad. One of the girls met a great looking guy at a cafe one day. He got her number, she was so excited. The next day in school she realizes he is her new English teacher! Okay…woah, slow down. Nope…they begin dating in secret. I still didn’t have much reaction to be honest. But then he decides to quit his job and take one in a local college. Okay…step in the right direction right? Well…sort of. Now the story is they have gone public with their relationship and are OUTRAGED that her parents are not okay with it. It has become a tragic love story with the parents as the evil monsters plotting to keep the true love apart. Okay WAIT…really? Of course the parents are not okay with it! They are being parents!! The relationship was not only morally questionable but ILLEGAL!!! Hello??…Anybody home?…Call me old but I am not okay with teaching teenagers that if their parents adhere to laws and/or moral codes they are the bad guy. Jeeze…

Okay now I must quickly back away from the blog in horror…I sound just like my Mom!!!!…………….

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Life, Uncategorized

December 30, 2011

What’s Your Sign?

By weepingangel77

As of two days ago mine is officially NOT cancer. Whew! Breath of relief, thank god that is over…yada yada ya.

So the ultrasound came back clean on my left ovary (where the cyst was before), but guess what? There is one on the right side! So this is not really extremely uncommon. I know this is true both because my doctor told me AND because I have known several friends to report similar issues. So…now what?

Well I don’t really know. While this is the best news possible it actually leaves me at a some what uncertain place. The doc says that because the initial cyst was gone insurance will now no longer pay for me to have my ovaries removed. Now, to be clear, I didn’t exactly WANT my ovaries removed anyway, but now I apparently cannot have it done. And, naturally, the doctor still thinks that would be the best thing for me.

So now I have the semi reassuring knowledge that it is at least biologically possible for me to have children, but yet I am in no better a situation than I was before. My body still could never handle pregnancy. My sickness would still never allow me the strength to handle babyhood. I am still having an apparently large number of cysts appearing in my body. I am still having painful and hard cycles. I am still kind of at a loss.

No cancer. On my list of ‘thank you God’ things for this year. But my body continues to frustrate and scare me. I am trying to breathe deep, move on and not dwell. We will see how well THAT goal goes…

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Health, Life

November 23, 2011

Not the Way it was Supposed to Be

By weepingangel77

Yesterday I had an ultrasound. It was uncomfortable (I had to drink 48 Ounces of water before and then not pee…for 45 min…umm really?) but nothing exceptional. A girl my age going to the doctor for an ultrasound is just not that big of deal.

Only it was. This ultrasound was not about a baby. It was not about the possibility of life or the joy of life or anything to do with life. This ultrasound was about death.

Last week my doctor did a CT of my abdomen because I was having some severe pains and they were worried about my appendix. Turns out my appendix is totally normal, BUT they saw something. There was a spot or a lump or whatever…something that wasn’t supposed to be there…on my ovaries.

This could mean nothing. It could just be a lump. Or it could be something non dangerous. Or it could be cancer.

Suddenly getting an ultrasound was scary instead of joyful. Suddenly it could mean death. Suddenly it meant that even if it wasn’t cancer it would probably mean surgery and the loss of my ability to ever give life. So again…death.

I never thought I would have kids. I am already pretty old for that. I am not very strong and doubt I could handle it. I have already pretty much made peace with that. But suddenly lying on a doctors bed in a small room by myself…I was getting an ultrasound. And it was not for the right reasons.

It was death when it should be life.

 

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Life

November 7, 2011

Jesus is my Prozac?!

By weepingangel77

WHAT??!!

So it is a constant source of laugher to myself and to those who know me best that I live not only in the Bible Belt of America, but smack dab on the freaking buckle of the freaking thing! (Nashville, TN for those interested). This is not because I am anti Bible, or even anti Christian. In fact, I consider myself a Christian. I am, however, a fairly liberal Christian. Or maybe just a liberal person…I am not sure which is more honest to my nature.

Within walking distance of my house there are at LEAST 7 churches….seriously. And we are not talking about a long road. They are just right next to one another. It is apparently a very religious neighborhood! lol!  One of the things that really irks me about this is the signs that these churches place outside of their buildings. Church signs are notorious for being silly or sometimes even funny…but the ones around me are nothing short of offensive.

The one that has been particularly bothering me for several months now is the title of my blog…Jesus is my Prozac. One of my neighborhood churches has proudly displayed this for a ridiculously long time this year and I get more and more angry each time I pass it.

I have tried to analyze which part of myself is most offended.

 Is it the Christian part who wants to preach to those poor mis-guided people that Jesus is more than just a happy pill? That he promises not an easy life but rather a relationship with which to live that life? Yes, that is part of it.

Is it the liberal part that wants to point out that prozac is not inherently bad or non-Christian? Yes, that is definitely a part of it.

Or is it maybe just my intelligent/logical whole being that wants to point out to everyone that seeking medical and our medicinal help for REAL problems does not make someone unchristian or bad? That just because someone is a Christian does not mean they will not struggle with anxiety or depression?  YES!!!!

Jesus is not prozac!! Jesus is a savior and a partner for life. Prozac is a medicine and an aid for life. Both can, and often times, should be used.

And the people who put that sign up should be shot.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Religion

September 6, 2011

And Now What?

By weepingangel77

So I have been working on a blog post for about 2 weeks now. I keep writing some and saving it as a draft and then coming back to it. Now in my defense it was a really long story. But…truth be told if I was getting bored writing it then who is going to want to read it? I mean really. So today I deleted it. It was a ridiculously funny story about my first time ever in a chiropractor’s office. If you see me ask me to tell you about it. It goes way better with my hand gestures and so on.

SO…I have thought in the meantime of several things that I wanted to blog about but I didn’t because I was still in the middle of the chiro blog. Only now that I have decided not to do the chiro blog I cannot remember what any of them are. I am idealess. Well not idealess really but blog idealess. It’s depressing.

I recently decided to get back to my writing roots so to speak. I have found that I have an actual need to be creative when I get too stressed out (which these days is always). I usually either paint (at which I suck) or take pictures. I adore photography. I am not super great at it but I am not bad either and my friends enjoy free and/or cheap photo shoots so that usually works out. The problem is that with my back issues photo shoots become harder and harder to pull off. So my newest endeavor is writing. I am going to participate in a magazine that does a quarterly contest (for publication). They give me the first line and then…I write whatever I want. Simple. Or not.

I started a story. I love the beginning of the story. Endings are my issue. In this case even the middle I am having a problem with. The thing is whenever I try to flesh out the story it is not a short story. The contest is for a short story. The suggested maximum word count is 3000 words. That’s not really that many words. I talk a lot. I write a lot. I cannot shut up is the long and short of it. So now I think maybe I should start over again. Except when I try to I either a) end up back at my original story or b) think of something that would be even longer. But it’s all good. At least it will be something that gives me a challenge. If I just wrote it all in one day it wouldn’t help me out all that much with my need to be creative problem. So I will keep trying to think small.

Speaking of speaking small I think this blog is done. It is effectively about not being able to write. What a depressing thing to blog about! lol. Oh well. Maybe the next one will be more interesting. Maybe I will remember some of my older ideas. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Writing

August 17, 2011

i pad or i poop?…

By weepingangel77

So one of the ways in which my job totally rocks is that every year I get money to be used for my own personal professional development. It is up to me how I chose to use this money. 2 years ago I attended a technology & library conference in Washington D.C. that was fantastic. It was the biggest gathering of geeks who were able to come out of their rooms long enough to become librarians you can ever imagine. If it helps to explain the rest of the conference my favorite session was on how World of Warcraft could be used positively in the library. Ha. It was great.

Another great session was apparently something of a conference tradition (most of the these library/geeks apparently go to this same conference, which is held at the same hotel in the same city every year…way to come out of your shell geeksters!). They chose 3 to 4 well-known conference attenders/presenters that were obviously well liked by the large portion of return guests and these people gave a presentation on new technologies that they considered either HOT or NOT. So basically what they liked and why, as well as what they did not like, and why. I loved this portion of the conference. It was well put together, obviously intended to be both fun and informational, and there was some heated debate amongst these uber geek/nerds. (defining these terms is become quite an issue for me…agah!).

One of the big new technologies of the time was the i pad. When the i pad first came up in the discussion they asked how many were there and at that point it was only like 6 people in the audience. They had literally only been out for a few days. Some of the presenters were sooo excited to get one and use one etc. But one guy told us this was just one more THING from apple that someone else would eventually do better. So yay on Apple for coming up with the ideas but really why would anyone want the trial merchandize…especially at the apple prince? Well I had to admit that was a good point. He went on further to say that people who liked apple products have somehow become mindless zombies following their leader with no real care as to the product or its actual usefulness. If it said apple, they would buy it. In face he surmised that the next big thing would be i poop and many would simply scoop it up and display it proudly next to all the other apple shit.

I laughed….a lot. This guy instantly became my favorite at the conference. I had no real strong feelings for or against apple but he did seem to have a point about their followers…according to them there is just nothing else worth having. Seems silly to me. But…today it happened. I bought the i poop, I mean pad. Actually I didn’t buy it myself but I went with 2 colleagues from work and we used a large chunk of this years professional development money to purchase them. So I have an i pad now. It has a really pretty green cover. (This might be my favorite feature). Beyond that…it’s kinda just like my phone. Except my phone is an android and I can get TONS of better apps…and for free.

I am enough of a technology geek that I am VERY excited about owning an i pad. Especially one that was paid for. I am also enough of a realist to know there is probably not much I really need it for or will use it for. It is supposed to develop me professionally…we shall see I guess!

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Being a Librarian, Geekiness

August 10, 2011

Am I a Geek?

By weepingangel77

So I love geeks. I love nerds. I love SyFy. I fully embrace the geeky nature and love it. My brother, however, assures me that I am NOT a geek. He also disagrees with me about what it means to be a geek. I have been ‘geeking’ it up lately and so am left pondering my own geek status.

Now some would assume that simply because I would blog about this issue I am, without a doubt, a geek, a dork, a nerd…etc. etc. But to those people these would be slanderous terms meant to ridicule me. To that, I scoff. So…what right do I really have to claim geekiness? I count these as some of my merits:

-The only celebrity blogs I follow are: Patrick Rothfuss, Whil Wheaton and Felicia Day….sense a trend?

-I am a librarian

-I spend more time online than with any one individual (yeah that one is kinda sad but geeky never-the-less)

-I once attempted to populate my fish tank with the characters from StarTrek the Next Gen…it was SO much fun. We bought fish based on how they reminded us of certain characters. Ultimately though my favorite characters began to die I could not take it so…no more naming fish

Who could this be but...Warf of course

-I have introduced everyone I know to the wonder that is Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog

-Joss Whedon is my hollywood crush

-The only new years resolution I ever care about keeping is the number of books I set for myself to read in that year

-I own every episode of X-Files ever made

-There is a mini Tardis in my office at work

-my screen name for this blog is WeepingAngel…

I could go on but…seriously…total geek right? Or…maybe not.

My brother claims that because I am not a gamer I am not a geek! Can this be true? Must I be part of a guild (rather than simply adore the show)? Must I become obsessed with a fake life and spend hours of my time there? I have a very addictive/perfectionist personality. If I began gaming I know what would happen…I would never stop! So that is not something I have ever done.

Another thing ‘against’ me is that while I love comic book MOVIES I very rarely actually read comics or graphic novels. Buffy I read b/c I simply cannot live without the continuing story (geek….) and there are a few others I occasionally read but…all in all I don’t enjoy it. My mind deals with words better than pictures. Someone told me this means I am right brained…I don’t which brain I use but…show me the movie or give me a “real” book…sue me.

I have no knowledge of computers. I mean I use them all the time. Love them. But no idea why they break or how to program them or any of that kind of “geek” stuff.

So…I just don’t know! Am a geek? Or just a wanna-be? Someone tell me please…

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Geekiness

August 2, 2011

Rants

By weepingangel77

So the other night I was out with my girlfriends and I had my first ever Martini…I know, where have I been right? But I did and it was fabulous…and it went straight to my head. My first few sips and I was buzzing, and then the girls kept encouraging me to drink faster…so I did. Funniest thing happened. I turned into the “ranter” drunk. It was rather humourous.

One of the things I ranted about was weddings and bridal showers. This was a particularly funny rant because I am, at age 34, not married (nor have a I ever been). However 2 of my friends at the table are married and another one is divorced. So here goes the single girl bitching to her married friends…and I gotta say that while I normally would not have gone off (quite randomly) about this, even sober I still agree with myself 🙂

Why is that we think people who are getting married need to get so much? I mean really. Congratulations. Someone loves you. Someone has agreed to live with you forever and take care of you forever, and let’s be blunt…double your income. I, on the other hand, have none of those things. I still need to live and still want to have a nice home but have less money (and security to do it with)

SO…the obvious response to this is for me to buy you all kinds of shit. Not cheap shit either. Oh no, because see you got to go to the store beforehand and pick out your shit. All the nice dishes and towel ands sheets that you could never afford when you were single. Simply because you are lucky enough to find someone to put up with you the rest of your life, you should also be handed all of these things on a silver  platter. Because you are…the bride.

The bride gets everything. The focus is on her. The pictures are of her. The choices are hers. The fun is hers…but everyone else (including us poor and still single bridesmaids) has to pay for it. I don’t get it.

In the “old days” people showered new couples because they were young and poor and starting out a new life together with nothing. This is, quite frankly, almost NEVER the case anymore. People are first off waiting until they are older to get married. So they have already lived on their own or with roommates for several years. Usually they both already have decent jobs and an established (although possibly sparse) lifestyle. Often they even already live together so in actuality nothing is changing about thier life situation.

So why are we continuing to shower them with ridiculous amounts of presents on top of the ridiculously expensive extravaganza to announce the Bride to everyone. It is ludicrous. You know who needs help buying dishes and towels? The single people…the ones who have only one income and no security (to say nothing of zero self-esteem b/c no one wants to spend the rest of their lives with THEM). I think we have it all backward. That’s all I am saying.

But I said it quite loudly and probably quite obnoxiously to my best friends whom in the last 5 years or so had all of these things themselves. Ha. Oops.

I guess I should be careful whom I drink martini’s with…

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , | posted in Uncategorized

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started