Have I Learnt Self Control?

~ CP ~ Leave a comment

So last weekend, I went out into the city with about 30-40 friends for early birthday celebrations (I’m 25 today, ah).

I’d originally planned and started this ‘no alcohol for 6 weeks’ journey with the event as the end goal. I’ve had the best 6 weeks learning that I don’t need alcohol to have fun and I’ve had so much more free time to enjoy the things that I love doing. I did start to feel a little anxious the day before the event, because I was worried that I’d be a massive lightweight and would get carried away drinking and feel horrendous the next day – which is what my usual night out would lead to.

However, I had the best time! I paced myself, drank water in between, ate good food and just had a great night with good friends. I managed a whole 8 hours out drinking without getting stupidly drunk. I can’t say the same for a lot of my mates and watching some people get in a complete state just made me think why? I didn’t wish to get like that at all. I got up the next morning and felt a little fuzzy, but nothing in comparison to what I’ve felt like before. I downed some water and went back to bed for a bit before heading off to the gym!

Can you tell I’m proud? Haha. If you’d have said I’d be going to the gym after a night out about 2 months ago I’d tell you to get lost and that it’d never happen. But here I am, doing it and feeling amazing. I’ve actually been working out a lot more now and honestly feel the fittest and healthiest I’ve ever been in years. It feels great! With all my new found energy and spare time, I’ve signed up to run a half marathon for the mental health charity Beyond Blue. I’ve never ran anywhere near 21.5km before so I’m pretty nervous, but I’m also really excited!

If you would like to sponsor me for the run at all, any amount would be appreciated so much to help raise awareness around mental health issues and giving people the support they deserve! The link is https://runmelhourne2018.everydayhero.com/au/chelsea-1. Thanks so much.

I’m not sure what I’m going to aim for next in terms of alcohol. I think I’ll just go with enjoying the odd glass of wine here and there, but no heavy binge drinking as I feel so much better about myself at the moment. My mental health and my physique has improved, it’s a win win!

Hope everyone’s having a great week.

CC x

One Magical Month Sober.

~ CP ~ 2 Comments
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I’ve made it to a month sober! A whole 28 days done and dusted. I honestly didn’t think I’d even make it this far and I feel so proud to finally be at this stepping stone.

I haven’t written on my blog for a while and in all honesty it’s because I’ve been feeling amazing, been present and enjoying life.

On reflection, although I’ve had some ups and downs over the past month, this is 100% the best I have felt in since I can remember! I’m so much happier without the hangovers. Of course I still have bad days, but it’s nothing like what I used to experience. My mood has lifted and this may be to do with my anti-depressants, but I don’t think this is just a coincidence. Alcohol is a depressant after all. I feel like I can manage my thoughts now.

Choosing to not drink for this long has been the best decision I’ve ever made. I’ve put my health first and I don’t regret it one bit. No one ever would. It seems so unachievable at first, because there’s always an event to go to, someone’s birthday or after work drinks, but by just accepting that there is never a ‘good’ time to stop drinking in terms of your social life you can just getting on with it and actually do it.

I’ve told friends and family who are extremely supportive that I’ve made it this far and they say things like ‘ah I wish I could do that, you must feel so good’. You wish you could do that? I just look at them confused. It’s really not that difficult. It’s a choice. You can do it. Anyone can, it just takes balls. Choosing to not drink for a while has made me learn to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. I have learnt to sit with my anxiety and uneasiness in social situations and push past them and have a great time. I have learnt to not give up when I’m in the midst of anxiety and this is something I’d always drink to avoid in social situations. Now I honestly don’t give a shit what someone thinks of me, including my decision to not drink. Think I’m boring? Cool. Not bothered.

I have picked up some pretty bad habits along the way though. With all the money that I’m not spending on alcohol, I’m now spending on food and online shopping. At the moment I’m not too worried about it because you’ve got to treat yourself every once in a while and I’d rather buy things that last, rather than chucking it down the drain on alcohol just to feel rough the next day. I think it’s good to take note of new habits and be aware of your feelings whilst going through this period of time. Try writing it all down, it feels so good to just pour your thoughts out onto a blank page and let go of them. Anyway, in terms of money, I’m still finding that I have money left over at the end of the month now! Whereas I used to be left struggling with absolutely nothing to show for it.

Another amazing benefit that I’ve noticed is that my skin is so much better. Of course it’s not perfect, but it feels so much fresher. My fitness levels have also improved because I’m working out more without the shitty excuses of being hungover. My weekends are filled with the gym and spending time with loved ones, it’s so refreshing and perfect. Working out has kept me sane during this month. If I’ve ever felt tempted to have a glass of wine (mouth salivates even at the thought of wine *eye roll*) or had a crappy day, as soon as I’ve completed a workout all of those negative and intrusive feelings have drifted away. I’ve never been overweight, but since quitting alcohol I’ve lost weight around the ‘stubborn’ areas of my body and I feel so much more confident in myself.

If you’re contemplating quitting, or giving up for a period of time, try doing it for at least six weeks too! Feel free to message me if you want someone to keep checking in with you! Honestly, if I can do it, you can.

Hope everyone’s had a great weekend.

CC x 

 

Three Weeks Sober – Tips & Tricks.

~ CP ~ Leave a comment

It’s been three weeks since I decided to stop drinking alcohol for a while. The time’s starting to fly by now and I’m finding myself left with more money (that I’m managing to spend on clothes), and I have more spare time to do what I love. I’ve read two books already in my spare time and I’m working out so much more. I feel fitter and overall healthier.

Every week I just assumed that everyone struggled with work during the week, because well it’s work, but that was a load of BS. It’s because I’d go and party a ridiculous amount on the weekend and get in at 5am and have no sleep. My mood has since improved – although I still have some bad days, I can manage and handle my anxiety and depression so much more now that I’m not drinking. I am eating a bit more now and craving junk food, but I’m just giving into these cravings every now and then so that I don’t go insane. Treat yo self a little. You deserve it, because giving up alcohol is hard! 

I’ve noticed how obsessed the world is with it now that I’m not drinking. It is literally everywhere and there’s no escape. Gatherings with friends are usually centred around drinking – thank god I’m ok to be around that sort of environment sober, but I’m starting to question everyone else’s sanity and how no one else finds it strange. My partner and I went into a bottle-o store today and I subconsciously started to stare out all of my old favourite alcoholic options, missing them, but I nipped it in the bud and marched myself out of there. It’s crazy because I know how much better my life is at the moment and how much better I feel, but I still miss it. I’m still not sure where this journey is taking me, but I’m so glad that I started it. It’s been a challenge and it’s been seriously eye opening.

I said that I won’t touch alcohol for another 20 days, until June 2nd, when I’m holding celebrations in the city for my birthday. I’m actually not really counting the days as such anymore, but focusing on the weeks. I’m just trying to have fun things planned on the weekends so that I’ve got something to look forward to. I’m a bit nervous about that date now, because part of me doesn’t want to drink then. I’m not putting too much pressure on myself at the moment and if I get to that date and I don’t want to drink then I just won’t. Nothing’s set in stone after all and I never thought I’d make it to three weeks!

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Here are some tricks that get me through when I’m really craving alcohol:

  1.  Go workout. Seriously. If you’re feeling that horrendous I know that it’s the last thing you want to do, but just don’t think about it. Get changed and force yourself out of the door. Do anything, go for a long walk, stretch, do a HIIT session. Whatever works for you, but I can’t explain how good I feel after I’ve had a sweaty session and got the endorphins flowing.
  2. Write down your thoughts. Write them all out. They don’t have to make sense, but just scribble them down anyway. Read through them and see which are complete nonsense and which you think are true and work through them. It feels so good to get everything off your chest – which is why I started this blog. It helped me get through a time when I felt really lonely and trapped.
  3. Join a support group of some sort. I joined ‘Club Soda Together’ so long ago, before I was really serious about giving up alcohol and it helped a massive amount. Every now and then I just scroll through and see everyones inspiring journeys and support! It’s great because it’s for people who want to cut down or quit completely. Most people on there are AF. Finding people in a similar situation is just so comforting and you can reach out to these people and be open and honest without judgement.
  4. Research. Do some research into the topic and you’ll see that there are so many people going through something similar, asking the same questions. Listen to podcasts (the Home podcast by Laura McKowen and Holly Whitaker is a personal favourite) and there are loads of books that you can read either by people who have given up drinking themselves or by professionals (Allen Carr – The Easy Way To Control Alcohol). Blogs have really helped me as well! (Belle’s Tired Of Thinking About Drinking and Laura’s Girl and Tonic blogs are amazing!)
  5. Speak to someone you love. Speak to someone close to you about your goals and own up to people around you that you aren’t drinking at the moment. You don’t have to tell them why, that’s up to you. If you tell someone then you’re much more likely to stay accountable and stick to it.
  6. Get a hobby. Try something new that you’ve never done before or reignite your love for an old hobby that you lost over the years. Finding something that you genuinely enjoy doing will distract you and you can spend your time enjoying yourself sober.

These aren’t in order and I’m sure that there are a million more things that could help you during this time, but I think that these are a good starting point and I hope they help you a little! If anyone else is going through something similar I’d love to hear how you do the whole sobriety thing. Any tips or tricks?

CC x 

Day 18.

~ CP ~ Leave a comment

It’s been 18 days since I last drank alcohol. It feels like it’s been at least 3 months I swear! I’m off work ill at the moment, feeling particularly sorry for myself. I’m sat here thinking “I would love a glass of wine this weekend”. I would love to let my hair down and tap out from my feelings and thoughts for just a second.

I did a first aid course yesterday and it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time. For some reason, after a while I got trapped inside my mind again and I sat there feeling like crap, struggling to breathe and manage my anxiety. I had one panic attack during my assessment of cpr whilst I was trying to prove that I could preserve life. How can I preserve life when I struggle to keep my own in check?

I carried on through it and took a tablet (propranolol) which eased the physical symptoms after a while and I started to feel better. I just don’t understand where they come from or why they happen. Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s because I suppress what I’m actually feeling so much that this is the only way my body knows how to release itself.

It’s confusing and terrifying, but a lot of the time I feel so scared to say what I’m actually thinking or feeling. I feel this with most people. I’m scared I’m going to upset someone, or something isn’t going to come out of my mouth the right way. I’m scared of being judged and abandoned. I’ve always pushed my feelings deep down inside me trying to squash them. Deep down I guess that I do have very low self esteem and this is something that I’m continuously trying to work on.

I got into a massive fight with my partner last night because I saw something that he’d liked on Instagram – a girl in a bikini – and I lost my mind. Which means I sat there for hours seething with rage, unable to communicate why I was so angry to him. He was being his usual lovely, kind and caring self saying the sweetest things to me and asking what was wrong and instead of telling him, I’d replied ‘nothing I’m fine’. Why do I do that to myself? It’s like internal torture.

I ended up bringing it up in a really mature – sarcastic and bitchy – manner just as we were about to fall asleep and he was livid. It turned into a massive fight and in the end he explained to me that it was someone he used to work with who’s just in South America chilling and he liked it because she’s in a part of the world that we are going to visit. It all got blown out of proportion in my mind and I just assumed the worst. As usual. He was just so angry at me for not bringing it up as soon as I felt hurt and he was even more angry that I was accusing him of being sneaky and untrustworthy. Which is something I seem to do quite a lot apparently. I’ve promised that I’ll start to speak about the things that are on my mind now, I think for both of our sakes that it’s only fair.

Thank god I’m seeing my therapist in a couple of weeks aye, at least I can drive someone else insane with my thoughts there.

CC x

Relationships.

~ CP ~ Leave a comment

Just before I write this, I want to acknowledge that this is day 16 alcohol free. I can’t even remember the last time I went this long without drinking. It must’ve been about 4-5 years ago. How crazy is that? I’m not even tempted to drink at the moment, I feel strong for this decision.

I don’t know why but I have this strong urge to write about my relationship right now.

Mine is good, in fact it’s great. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly three years now and we are solid. I probably rely on him too much emotionally, but he is my best friend and home. He makes me feel like I’m completely safe and capable.

I feel such strong overwhelming emotions about the most ridiculous things whenever it’s to do with us. Right now I feel rage and then embarrassment at feeling this rage. I’m selfish. I want all of his time to be my time. He’s going out with friends for a bit instead of seeing me after I’ve just got back from a weekend away and I want to kick him and ask if he misses quality time with me? I think I’m overreacting, but I don’t know. I’d rather keep these emotions to myself, at least for now and see if they pass with time, usually that’s the case.

I feel like we don’t spend quality time together anymore. It feels like life’s just getting in the way and I want to cry at the thought that I just get the drips and drabs of him at the end of the day when he’s completely wrecked after work and dealing with life. Why can’t we just be free to spend time on us and laugh together instead of being confined to this life of work, coming home from work and being too tired to communicate. It’s never ending and I start to feel irrational again.

When we go travelling together and explore new places it feels like the world is ours. We can get lost with the world and each other. We have no plans, no commitments and nothing is holding us back. I guess I just really miss that version of us right now.

I’m having a tough day emotionally and mentally. I find it so hard to express what I’m feeling because half the time I’m not sure what it is that I’m feeling myself. I just feel lost and stuck inside my mind today. I feel incapable of genuinely smiling and feeling happy today. Hopefully tomorrow is a little more bearable.

CC x

My Weekend Away, Sober.

~ CP ~ 10 Comments

I honestly don’t know where to begin.

My friend picked me up and we left for our weekend away. There were six of us in total. One of my other friends basically never drinks so I knew that I’d be ok-ish, but it was still difficult. We got to the beach house and the drinking started pretty much straight away. We all ordered some pizza and stayed in for the night, but the amount of alcohol that was around was mad. My friend who never drinks, let’s call her Sarah, even began to want to start drinking. She looked at me with a little smile saying shall we? The Friday night neither of us caved…

I felt extremely anxious for the first 40 minutes or so of the evening, but after that I relaxed and got over it. I started to feel more at ease. Of course I was asked more than once why I wasn’t drinking, but I’d moved it on by saying that I have a fear of hangovers and laughed it off.

The next night was the night that got weird. I honestly don’t know how things escalated so quickly. We spent the Saturday relaxing and having a great time. Two of my friends started drinking at about 12pm whilst myself and a couple of others went outdoors for a scenic run. That run did me wonders. I needed the fresh air, the time away from the alcohol and some happy endorphins. I also brought a great book with me which helped me to escape my mind and the alcohol, which helped me an enormous amount.

We got back at about 2.30pm and the plan was to go to the pub at about 6pm, but this got pushed back an hour because people started to drink, a lot. So they weren’t hungry and I was sat there trying to keep it together and not lose my mind at them, verrrrry difficult when you’re hangry and sober.  Three of them managed to drink three bottles of champagne between them by 7pm, so we got to the pub and everyone was already pretty drunk. I was offered a million drinks by this point and I felt the anxiety come and go as I became tempted to drink and feel as carefree as everyone looked, but I was holding it together.

Then my other sober camaraderie Sarah, began saying she wanted to drink. Sarah was looking at me with a big welcoming smile ‘come on, shall we do it. Let’s join them’ and this was the closest I’ve come to caving since I started this whole thing. I really wanted to drink, but really fucking didn’t at the same time. I felt conflicted and confused and I was replying like ‘I don’t know maybe, I don’t know what to do’ so then people were jumping straight on it offering to buy shots and I just shut it down there and then. I was like nope actually I’m good thanks, but Sarah agreed and that’s when I was the last sober person standing. She downed so many drinks to catch up with everyone and get on their level of wasted.

I was the only person who ordered and ate dinner because everyone else was too pissed to feel hungry I guess. I felt a little left out, but I pushed through it and tried to embrace the drunkness. We eventually went back to the house so that they could continue drinking more. We put the music on through speakers and danced around like idiots without a care in the world. It was fun, until things escalated. Everyone was already wrecked right, they didn’t need more alcohol, but they continued to do shots and down drinks. Eventually one of my girlfriends Mel was so hammered that she could barely walk or talk, she went to the bathroom and puked everywhere. She missed the toilet so it went all down her top and trousers, but walked back out unaware that this was the case. To cut a long story short, I had to physically change her out of her clothes, put them in the wash and then drag her to bed. The next one of my girlfriends who was a little worse for wear was Cristal. She’d now also made it to the point where she couldn’t speak so me and one of my mates put her to bed too.

By this point I’d had enough, it was 11pm and I was shattered. I said night to the others who seemed to be alright and left them to it. I was sharing a bed with Sarah and she was still up. About two hours after I went to bed, Sarah gets in and kinda wakes me (not on purpose). I’m half asleep like ‘hey’ and she rolls over to me and asks me to cuddle her. At first I was like what on earth why??? but then I could hear her struggling to breathe. I cuddled her and asked if everything’s ok and she starts hyperventilating telling me that she’s really anxious and scared. I had no idea where this had come from, so I ask her what’s going on and she starts crying, trying to get her words out saying that she knew she shouldn’t of drank because it affects her antidepressant medication and she gets in this state. I asked her to tell me how she’s feeling and what’s going on and she just kept saying that she was embarrassed and kept apologising for keeping me up. Eventually I got her to talk a bit more, she was still panicking but telling me she’s getting these thoughts that she should hurt herself and that she can’t stop them. I was up for an hour with her and I’m so fucking glad that I was sober.

If she had come to me like this drunk, whilst I was drunk, then I would not have been able to look after her. I probably wouldn’t have even woken up or responded. She was in a really really shit place and I’m so glad that I was able to be there for her. It was terrifying and I didn’t know what to do or say, but I got her through it and cuddled and talked to her until she fell asleep. I opened up to her about the fact that I’m now on antidepressants too and that although I haven’t experienced anything as bad as what she’s going through, I’ve gone through the depression and anxiety and that’s one of the reasons that I’m not drinking. I would’ve never guessed that she was struggling with a mental illness and now it all makes sense about why she doesn’t drink.

We woke up in the morning and I know she felt super awkward and embarrassed around me for everything that happened, but I messaged her when I’d left the group and told her that I was so happy she opened up and spoke to me. I wish we were all a little more honest with each other, because if we’d have known, then we would have stopped her from drinking completely. We would’ve looked out for her. She’s embarrassed and struggling and last night she could have taken her life. It’s heartbreaking.

The things that got to me was the next morning, when she was laughing about how amazing the night was with everyone and how funny it was that they were all so hammered and I just sat there thinking really?  She promised me she wouldn’t drink again so I can only hope that she’ll stick to it. The fact that people are still risking it, knowing how horrendous and dangerous it can be is baffling. But I’ve been there. Words can’t describe how glad I am that I didn’t cave and drink and wake up feeling as awful as everyone looked this morning. I’m so fucking glad that I dealt with my anxious feelings head on instead of numbing them and suppressing them with alcohol, waiting for them to return with a vengeance with a hangover. I’m so glad that I remember the entire weekend whist everyone else has hours missing and I’m so glad that I didn’t spend the night being sick. I’ve had a relaxing Sunday doing the things that I love, instead of sleeping, unable to move or eat.

It’s really not worth it and I’m realising that more and more as time passes by.

Please be kind to everyone around you. You really have no idea what they’re going through.

CC x

I’m Being A Hypocrite Right Now.

~ CP ~ 2 Comments

I’m going away with a group of friends on the weekend and I’m a little nervous. A little is a lie, I’m fucking nervous. I’m nervous because I know that a lot of alcohol will be consumed by everyone and because I’ll be nagged at for not drinking. They’ll want me to drink. I’m nervous because it drains so much more energy from me, being with people 24/7.

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Don’t get me wrong I used to be that person. I’m a massive hypocrite right now. I’d be the first person to shout at someone ‘What?! You’re not drinking, what’s wrong with you?! Don’t be a bore’. Now I’m eye rolling the crap out of everyone who mentions it to me. I think people tend to react this way because they can’t comprehend why you wouldn’t drink. Why would you not want to?! Or at least I did, or maybe because it made me question my drinking habits and I never wanted to even think about those issues.

My friends don’t know the real reason for me not drinking. At the moment they think it’s because I’m on a massive ‘health’ binge. If I was more honest about my situation and how delicate it really is, they’d probably be much more supportive. I was speaking to one of my friends today, Sean, who’s coming on the weekend away and he asked if I was drinking. I warned him that I’m not going to and he made a few jokes about how I’d cave when I was with everyone. I gave him my most stern ‘nope I’m not’ and left.

Side note – Sean also said the other day ‘I’ve known “CC” for a year now and every other week she’s giving up alcohol, then by the weekend she’s always caved’. Brill. That was a lovely home truth I needed to hear at this moment in time.

We spoke again later on that day and he brought up the fact that I’m not going to drink again. But this time he said ‘if you don’t drink then I won’t’. He’s also told me that he’s cutting down on alcohol at the moment because he and his partner end up drinking pretty much every night and that they’ve now gone three nights without. I really bigged him up for this and told him that that’s a great decision and to think of all the money that he’d save. This is the funny thing though, I think that deep down most people who respond like they’re disgusted or weirded out with you for not drinking do it because they don’t want to question themselves or because they’re jealous.

Sean went on to say ‘oh we’ll have to get an empty beer can or something though so that it looks like we’re drinking, otherwise everyone will give us shit’. Is this what it’s come to? People are so outraged when they see you actively choosing NOT to insert a drug into your body? They’d happily see you drink as much as possible and not bat an eyelid, but choosing not to drink is outrageous. Ok. I’m done with that shit. I’m not drinking and if anyone wants to mock me then go ahead. I will not cave this weekend and I will not give a shit if my not drinking offends you.

I’m doing this for me and my health.

CC x

I’m Sorry.

~ CP ~ Leave a comment

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I would never class myself as an alcoholic, but I was definitely worried about my drinking for a long time.

I would very rarely drink through the week, maybe the odd glass of wine with a meal, if I was out with friends or family. I’d rarely have alcohol kept in the house, I’d buy it for the weekend and consume it all then and I can’t say that I can relate to other peoples rock bottoms of losing their homes, their jobs, their lives… but if my mum had any sense she would’ve kicked me out a long time ago for what I put her through (when I was living with her).

I’ve done some questionable things. Had four day benders and come home to my mum who’s been at her wits end worrying about me. I’ve lied and cheated on partners. I’ve justified my behaviour by drinking more or I simply just didn’t remember doing it, so it didn’t feel real? I would never get to a ‘normal’ state of drunk like some of my friends did. I’d always be the one who was kicked out for being too drunk, who couldn’t walk home. I’ve fallen asleep in so many bushes/clubs, that I feel like I’m seriously lucky to have made it home unharmed most nights. People have had to take me home and put me in a taxi more times than I can remember over the years.

I really have done some ugly things. But these aren’t me. They don’t define me, they’re my past and they’re my regrets. I’ve grown and learnt from these horrendous things. I’ve abused alcohol and drugs a lot over the years and never really known why, because I’d wake up feeling disgusted with myself. I was once so high on drugs and alcohol that I strangled a friends girlfriend when she tried to help me because I was facetiming myself instead of my boyfriend. AND THIS DIDN’T STOP ME DRINKING. I never even questioned not drinking. I’ve become aggressive and physical on numerous occasions and now I can see how disgustingly obvious it all is. It’s like I was a different person, because the me that I know today, the me that I’m beginning to feel more and more content with, would never dream of behaving like this. I feel so blessed and lucky to finally be questioning alcohol and what it’s done to me.

Recently, I’ve felt such an enormous sense of guilt to everyone that I’ve ever hurt along the way. It’s like I can’t run from it all anymore and it’s swallowing me whole. The one person that has always been there for me along the way is my mum. She has been my rock and I’ve taken advantage of her so many times. She doesn’t have much money, but she’d give me her last penny. I kept thinking about all the times she’s picked me up at 4am when I could no longer talk and the horrendous abuse she’s received from the one person who should always have her back.

I’m not the best at dealing with my emotions, but I knew that I needed to apologise and show her how truely sorry I really am. I ended up sitting in bed on my first sober Saturday night in, writing an essay to my mum. I sat there writing it all, crying. The shame, the guilt, the embarrassment, all of it came pouring out. For all the times I’ve told her that she’s the worst mum in the world and she’s honestly believed it, for the time that I lashed out, for all the drunk phone calls, for the hundreds of times she’d come and collect me at 4am because I couldn’t get home. We’ve never discussed all of this since it’s happened over the years and it’s still hard to admit that this was me, but I’m so thankful I sent that text. It hurt, a lot. But accepting it and taking accountability for my shitty actions is the only way I can move forward. My mum read it and replied in the morning saying that she was crying and can’t thank me enough for that message, that she’s waited years to hear everything that I’d written.

I’m just sorry it took me so long to realise.

CC x 

Don’t Question It.

~ CP ~ Leave a comment

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You know yourself and your body better than anyone else. You know when something isn’t quite right, so please don’t second guess yourself.

I’ve always struggled with anxiety, yes. But I’ve got to a place where I can now get about my daily life without it impacting it too much. However, a couple of months ago this wasn’t the case. I was in this constant state of anxiety. I would cry over the smallest thing and I could barely keep my eyes open at work, even after 10 hours sleep.

At the time, I didn’t question it too much. When you’re in the moment it’s hard to see that your behaviour is drastically changing until someone mentions it to you. I knew that I was struggling, but I thought it was just life getting on top of me. I hadn’t had a panic attack at work in about a year. Until I had a meeting with my bosses, in a new job role, discussing the new processes and procedures. I sat there, unable to think. I felt as though everyone was staring at me because I literally couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t breathe. Did I mention anything and tell any of them that this was happening? Absolutely not. They’d judge me. How embarrassing. And this is my down fall. 

I sat through that meeting, sweating, unable to breathe properly, unable to think. A minute felt like an hour. Pins and needles started to wash over me and down my arms. But I didn’t say anything!? How ridiculous is that. So the following week I was due another meeting with one of my bosses to discuss a performance and development plan. I spent the entire week leading up to it dreading it, terrified that I’d experience another panic attack. My boyfriend pleaded with me to tell her. He said that she’d understand and that it’s best to be honest, she wouldn’t judge. I argued this for a while, rang my mum for some moral support and she agreed that I should tell my boss. So I sucked up my pride and did it.

When my boss asked to go and discuss the plan, I asked her if we could go upstairs in a private office to do it. As soon as we walked in she asked if everything was ok and I just couldn’t hold it together anymore. I broke down. That kind of ugly crying where you can’t speak. I managed to push through the tears and finally respond with ‘it’s not awful, don’t worry, I just need to speak to you’. By this point she was clearly concerned, but sat there patiently waiting for me to go on. I explained everything. Told her that I’ve always struggled with anxiety, but that I’d had it under control and it’s never affected my work life like this before. Or at least not for a very long time. I told her how I was feeling and that I’d experienced a panic attack in our last meeting with the other bosses and she said that she honestly had no idea. No one noticed and she thought I did really well. She would’ve never guessed that I struggle with this and that they’d do anything they can to support me. She actually said that she thought I was a really strong character, LOL. Isn’t it just completely messed up that we give off this perception of constantly being strong and having it all together, when deep down inside it’s the opposite.

Being open and honest about my current state was the best thing I’ve ever done. She can be a scary lady in the world of work, but deep down we’re all human. It felt like a huge pent up ball of energy was finally washed away. A massive relief. I could breathe again. I think the thing is with mental illnesses, is that they convince you that you’re being ridiculous, you’re weird for being this way but it’s not the case at all. Half of my anxiety stems from me trying to hide what I’m going through.

Anyway back to the point. I was crying all the time, my boyfriend had no idea what was going on and I was exhausted 24/7. I went to the doctors and had a blood test done. The results came in and it turns out that I’m anaemic! I’m extremely low in iron and this is the reason that I started to feel depressed, continuously anxious and exhausted. I was put on iron supplements and it’s only been about three weeks now, but I already feel so much better. So when you notice a difference in yourself, you’re not going insane, you’re not alone and there could be an explanation for it all.

It’s always best to go and talk to a doctor and get a second opinion and please don’t feel embarrassed to open up about your mental health issues.

CC x 

Why Did I Think It Would Be Different?

~ CP ~ Leave a comment

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I feel like I got a little taste of karma for posting a blog titled ‘smug Sundays’ because I spent the entire day struggling. It was a pretty shitty day. From the outside looking in I had a relaxing care free day with friends and my boyfriend. But internally it didn’t feel quite like this.

I spent the entire day battling with my anxiety. You know that disgusting feeling where you just don’t feel comfortable in your own skin? My thoughts were blurry and constant. I was being consumed by them, whilst still trying to give myself to everyone around me. It’s exhausting and you simply cannot understand this unless you’ve experienced it yourself.

I woke up feeling smug and proud of the fact that I’d managed to not drink all weekend (9 days sober now 01/05/18) and then it all came crashing down. Looking back on Sunday, I can see I was being naive. I guess I thought that all of my horrendous anxiety ridden Sundays were down to the hangover, which quite obviously isn’t the case. So I sulked for a while. I turned into a brat that just wanted to scream that this isn’t fair. None of my friends have to deal with this shit? WHY ME? But I know that I’m not alone and we’re all fighting through this the best that we can.

I’m still proud. I’m still fighting and I’m still glad I didn’t drink. The anxiety was a whisper in my ear in comparison to the screaming when I’m hungover. It’s still there and present, but slightly more bearable.

CC x