The following posts will be about the journey through my life. I am choosing to write my journey in chronological order of the houses that I have lived in over the years. As each house has it’s own story. Within the time frame of the house my memories won’t necessarily be in chronological order however I am doing my best.
Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts as you read my journey with me.
When is the beginning? Conception, birth or now?
We all begin at a point in time. My beginning and birth is on the 27th of November 1996. I was born 13 weeks premature via a C-section. I often wonder why I was born early. Many believed that I would be deformed, ill and weak. But I was neither, I was born healthy. Small but otherwise “normal.”
I was born so small that I fit into my fathers hand, with my legs dangling from either side of his palm. Outside of my small incubator my mother worried and fretted over me. She believed that I would die, as her previous daughter did.
After many weeks I was cleared to go home and so my parents scooped me up and took me to the home that I would know for the first three years of my life.
Here I met my older brothers, Ciar who was 10 and Bjorn who was 6.
I remember many things about this home. I remember the heat of the fire as I cuddled in front of it and ate marmite and cheese toasties. The long winding tracks that lead into the bush, the smell of the dog and freshly painted walls. Even though I only lived their for the first three years of my life I could still tell you the exact layout of that house.
I can also tell you many other things that I remember. For instance the time that I was first sexually abused. The sound of my uncle beating my mother. Or the actions of a mother paranoid that her daughter would die.
I am here to tell you all of these things because they are my truth and this is my beginning.
Uni break ends soon and I will have to go back to my study and work. The last couple of weeks of no study and no work have been great but I can feel something going on at a deeper level for me.
I’m tired all the time, I sleep 9-10hrs and never seem to feel over tired, while my normal 8hrs seems to leave me feeling lathargic. So I’m not sure whats up with that.
I have no motivation, right now I should be working on my lab report thats due on Monday. Instead I am in the bath at 12.30pm. I’m not sure if I want to laugh or cry about that.
I feel confused and anxious all of the time. I think that it has to do with the fact that my triggers are changing. I don’t know whats going to set me off into a panic. The world is harder to understand at the moment.
My self esteem is low but I think thats okay. I think it has to do with the fact that I am learning how the trauma effected my self-esteem and processing that. None the less its hard. I feel like shit all of the time. Everything that happens feels like my fault. I’m wrong.
My social skills are out of wack, I seem disjointed when I talk to people. It’s uncomfortable to socialise when I am like this.
Also it was my 21st birthday almost 2 weeks ago. 21 at last! I don’t feel much different, although I feel to an extent that I’m more free. I’m not sure why, social constructs maybe?
The only thing that I heard from my family was a text from my dad saying happy birthday. We planned to catch up but he essentially stood me up. Then said he would call me to arrange a time, but I never heard from him. So I’ve given up. I’m not going to bother texting or calling him back. I’ve done my part and now it’s just proven to me that they don’t genuinely care for me.
I had my counselling appointment today I’m not too sure how I feel about it. It wasn’t particularly deep as my last one was quite intense so I didn’t feel up for a deep appointment. So I just talked about my week. How I am feeling with life in general and my goals for the holiday. How I was going to keep boundaries in place over summer and that was kind of it.
I have been feeling a bit of discontent resently as I have been home a lot. Which means being around my partner a lot as they are home also. Which isn’t a bad thing but we both have different routines and I just feel so much different because I will try and fit myself into her routine. So I need to keep boundaries in place in that regard. Otherwise life is pretty much okay.
I took my car to the mechanic and there were a bunch of issues but the guys are really nice and they sneaky charged me less on labour which was nice.
And my cats microchipping went well, she was a little squeamish and squealed a little but she is registered. So now if there is an earthquake and she gets lost I dont have to worry
I felt like it was time to do a proper blog entry due to not keeping up with posting regularly.
So I will start with what it happening with me tonight. Right now I am in bed and I am felling a lot of emotions but I am unable to do much with them as most of them require an action that I am not prepared to take tonight. So the emotions are translated into this heaviness that sits on my chest and throat.
Although this doesn’t sound good, for the most part i am good. There are still issues but I am good. I don’t know if I have mentioned but I have moved house. I am in a lovely new place that have two bedrooms and a garage. So I have my own hobby/study room, which I love dearly. I live near to where I study and I enjoy the new suburb that I live in. My girlfriend and I are still together. Soon to be celebrating our 5 years! Our relationship is great. We have a very peaceful life with our cats, each day passing by.
My cat is getting Micro-chipped tomorrow, the vet is coming to my house to do it as my cat gets very stressed by car rides.
I also have a small garden where I am growing, peas, strawberries, rubarb, bok choy, herbs and tomatoes. I have also invested in a BBQ. Which is so lovely!
With Christmas fast approaching I was a little weary about how I would be spending this day. For me I have great memories associated with Christmas. So I do find it a bit weird not doing Christmas the same way that my family did. Over the past few years I have spent Christmas with my partners family. Which has been ok. . . .. . . Well borderline OK. There is such a feeling of obligation that i never felt with my family. In my partners family you can tell that no one wants to be there, and no one thinks about the presents that they buy each other. I find it incredibly odd. And the food is always gross. Like beyond gross, foul. One year I didn’t each any food because it was gross. Last year was this awkward weird mash where we had Christmas then on boxing day when we were having a small direct family gathering my partners extended family arrived, crashed and sabotaged the day. So overall it was weird. Hence my weary over this Christmas.
Along with this my partner has taken on a house sitting job over Christmas. Although she is still in the same suburb this does mean that I will be waking up and going to sleep by myself. Which is interesting but I am actually happy. It gives me the opportunity to do what I want how I want. Including playing Christmas carols and watching Christmas movies!
The plan for Christmas is a 1pm Lunch at my partners grandmothers house with the extended family. Which sounds ok. As long as no extra people are invited (i.e. my partners dad) which is unlikely. And as long as I only have to go for a few hours. Thankfully completely out of the blue I got a lovely message from my ex sister in-law saying
“Hey Hun, How are you? Have been thinking about you lately. [Daughter] and I have been watching the twilight movies and it always reminds me of when we went to the first movie with you
Bearing in-mind that after everything in my family went to shit we haven’t really spoken or seen each other much unless its me organizing to see my niece and nephews. So it came as a real shock! I was actually so surprised that I had a little cry after receiving it. My sister and I were very close before everything went to shit. Actually I am crying now thinking about how much I have missed her over the last few years. I responded hoping that the reason she was texting was because she might want to do something for Christmas. I was right! she asked if my partner and I would come around in the afternoon. I was however a little dubious. . . . . .. . . . I didn’t want any of my family to be there, or to just pop around. So I was a little unsure how to say “btw if my family is there I’m not coming.” without saying it that directly. So I said “We would love to come! I am presuming that it will be just you and the kids?” To which she responded saying “There will be others in the afternoon, but not any of your family, if that’s what you are worried about. I completely understand!”
My shock to that was huge. I did not expect her to respond with that. I felt and feel really respected. So I am excited to say that on Christmas I will be waking up alone in my house. Having the morning to myself, then driving to the next town over for lunch and joining my ex sister in-law for dinner. I am also looking forward to the others who will be at my sisters as as that is probably her cousins, mum and a few of her friends. All of whom I really enjoy and feel a huge connection to. So I am happy.
On boxing day I will then be having a “Christmas” lunch with my partners direct family at her mums. Which will be lovely, we are making lots of yum food. Followed by a quick 2hr tramp to a river for a swim (weather permitting, usually its always hot as though!) then back to her mums for games, snacks ans camping in the garden for those who would like to stay over.
I am feeling optimistic about Christmas.
I can feel this weight. Heavy on my chest it lurches. I can feel it on my throat choking my voice. This grimness that lumbers inside my body. Holding me down. Time is lost when this heavyness holds me.
Years ago my therapisr said to me “One day these triggers won’t feel the way they do. It will be a smell, taste, or a sight. They won’t feel intense, overwhelming or be linked with negative feelings.” At the time I couldn’t believe her. Everything was intense, every sense was wired.
I can now say that she is right. One day a trigger will go from being a trigger to just being a word, a sound or a smell.
I believe that I’m not a bystander in life. It’s just not in my nature. This doesn’t mean that I havent been a bystander in the past. We are all witnesses to a multitude of things throughout our lives.
For myself I have realised that no matter where I am or who I am with I will see something that can be improved. Some aspect of wellbeing that has yet to be worked on. I will voice this and do what is in my power to improve it. this is a form of empowerment.
I feel as though this is an important time in my life to document so here I am.
On monday I spoke at a symposium for work. This was huge for a multitude of reasons.
In front of me was 150 people wanting to hear my opinion, my thoughts and my voice! They wanted to know my experiences and work related achievements.
I’m a good speaker and a bad speaker. Bad if my anxiety rides high causing my speaking to become disoriented, backwards and high speed. So fast infact that words slur together, becoming one mash. I am good when I am calm, I speak clearly and passionately. At school for speaches I would be so nervous that I would ask if there was anyway i could opt out. The answer was no, always. So i would procrastinate writing my speach until two days before. Often at times littered with spelling and grammatical errors. However I would stand up my whole body shaking from nerves my eyes blurring. To the point where I can barely see and I will some how wing my speach earning me an excellence.
And at the symposium things weren’t much different. However due to the PTSD I have learnt how to calm my anxiety. Meaning I stood up there and spoke clearly and passionately. afterwards I had many people compliment me on my fantastic speaking. People admired me for being calm! when i admitted that I was very anxious, they were shocked! “but you looked so calm, you did such a good job!” they said.
I am feeling such a great sense of achievement. Only last year was my anxiety so overwhelming that I almost didn’t show up to the symposium simply as an attendee. Yet this year I am able to attend as a worker and speak and organize other peers to speak. I am feeling pride. I am opening my heart to feel pride in myself. At first the feeling was so overwhelming. My chest became swollen and it ached. But it was not bad. it felt like streching a muscle that isn’t used often.
So here I am living a life that I am able to achieve. Yes I am able to speak at a symposium. And Yes even still some days my anxiety is so overwhelming that I can’t leave the house. I can be both and still live the life that want. Because my PTSD has given me the tools that I need to calm myself in extreme anxiety. whether that be something that universally causes anxiety, or something unique and seeming harmless.
I am in a place where I have both good and bad days. Where I have great highs and deep lows. I am in a place where the weather effects my body to the core.
A place where my body is celebrated and cherished. Not as a sexual object rather as a beautiful tool that allows me to harness the world around me. My body holds me up and carries me through the good times and the trauma. I trust my body to take care of me. My body knows more than my mind. My body has traveled through time, information is stored at its core that I do not understand.
In this place I feel peace. Friends are held close, appreciated and celebrated.
Here is not without its challenges but I have faith in my abilty to overcome them. More than that I believe that I can thrive on these challenges.
Here music fills my head and my mind is soothed.
It’s 12.30am for me. I have been trying to get to sleep for two hours. my body has been completely thrown off since the big earthquake. for those of you who do not know on monday at 12.15am nz was blessed with a rather large earthquake. followed by tsunami warning, flooding and a tornado in the following days. So my body has been jolted, mainly my sleeping times effected.
I think I’m going through a big growth in my self development at the moment. I feel mtself ahifting and moving. The way that I respond to things is changing. It feels both good and scary.
I contacted an old friend the yesterday as I heard that she has been in hospital. We lost contact a few years ago due to changes in our lives and her new boyfriend was very religious and homophobic so we fell apart. I sent a short text saying “hey was talking to blah and she mentioned that you had been in hospital. It sounded pretty serious so I just wanted to check in and say that I hope you are well” After a short discussion it became apparent that she had been unwell then broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years and then after breaking up with him suffered from a miscarriage. Which caused internal bleeding. At this stage shes not really able to leave home.
I was very shocked to hear this. that it had happened let alone that she felt safe enough to tell me. She appologised as soon as she told me. And explained that many of her friends had ‘vanished’ after the miscarriage and her boyfriend was absent. She also asked if we could catch up.
I said yes. I’m not sure what made me say it. Maybe I didn’t have the heart to say no? but I don’t think thats true. I know that I’m just hopeful. Hopeful to regain a lost friendship. I am nervous to see how much we have changed but again I am hopeful.
I am going to drive out and see her this week coming up.
I don’t have any contact with my family apart from an occasional catch up with my father every 6months or so. its been like this for 3.5 years and like it that way. I stopped contacting my family after I ran away from after I disclosed the abuse to my whole family.
Except this morning right as i was about to leave for work I got a facebook message from my brother asking me if i would like to come to dinner with my whole family, his shout. . . . . . .
My brother sexually abused and bullied me for 10 years. . . .
WTF was my only response. this is the first time that he has contacted me and it’s as if nothing has happened. No appology, no acknowledgment of what he did. Nothing. Just I hope you are well join us for dinner.
Needless to say I’m not going for dinner. but i don’t know what to reply with either. Or to even reply. RIght now I’m stuck between not replying Or replying saying is this a joke?
Any ideas on what to do?
When You've Been Abused 