Musings #021

What is this unstoppable urge to share every living experience with the world.

Most of my personality is now limited to what I have watched recently, what have I read, where have I travelled and what’s my current hobby.

The moment I finish something, that sense of accomplishment only comes after documenting and recording it.

Say I have finished a book, I need to review it.

I have finished a puzzle, I need to seek validation from strangers by posting it.

I have watched something good, I need to bring it up in a conversation.

Let’s not even talk about traveling and how excited people get talking about it.

Who even am I?

Was I not more sure-footed in the past? I feel parts of me are simply manufactured and not very real these days.

When I am passing an opinion as my own, is it really mine? Or tinted by my partner’s or something I saw someone speaking over social media?

The fact that I am having some sort of existential crisis and feel the need to make a blog post about it is ironical in itself!

It appears I am incapable of processing things without documenting them. I was liking the process at the beginning but it seems a bit frivolous at present.

Musings #020

As you grow older, your understanding of love evolves.

You accept love with the added complexities.

Yes, there will be days when love would take a different meaning.

What even is love? It embodies a range of emotions for me.

Finding a moment in your day to think of someone.

Lazy mornings.

A poem that time travels you to the past.

Show of care.

Lost communication.

Love from afar.

Hugs.

Letters.

That one song for one person.

Forgiving.

Accepting.

Assurance.

Love was once passion, love was that uncontrolled angst. It was in the vulnerability and hopes from a person.

Love doesn’t wait now, it’s accepted its fate. Found peace to an extent. Doesn’t get riled up too often. Oh, yes, it is mature now no matter how much you want to deny it.

It is within you, it isn’t all of you.

Age

Once a self proclaimed night owl, now I sleep before the midnight strikes.

Once a size extra small, now I struggle fitting into my jeans.

Once a quirky soul, now I look in the mirror and see a plain Jane.

Once I had an opinion too strong on things, now I hesitate knowing everything is grey.

Once very sure of my belief system, now I reason with opposing beliefs.

Once vagabond, now so stable.

Once a free being, now responsibilities.

Once sadness was expressed in tears, now it cannot even be explained.

Once I was happy, now I am a different kind of happy.

Once my friends were close, now my friends have kids.

Once I loved the rains, now I am buying umbrellas.

Once I loved to eat, now I am learning to cook my favourites.

Once I read too little, now I like to read and learn more.

Sometimes I wonder, Am I growing as a person or simply aging!

Childhood love

Wasn’t I in love with every aspect of your personality? How you had a peculiar gait when you walk, this habit you had of running your hands over your hair, how you talked, that goofy smile, your hand writing… I seem to be forgetting your hand writing, I vaguely remember a few strokes, how your y’s and g’s turned. How I admittedly yearn now if you would just write me a note. But how would you know? We don’t talk as such, we only meet occasionally in dreams. It is weirdly comforting to miss you. I miss the fact that we were kids, unbridled and not so complicated. Back when our minds weren’t corrupted by the ways of the world.

It’s only pertinent that this would happen. These flashes of reminiscence. After all, my understanding of love stems from you.

Musings #019

4 am

I am overwhelmed by a range of emotions that I don’t have a handle on. Am I happy? Am I sad? I am definitely restless. And clueless.

It’s so difficult to keep yourself busy when your mind isn’t at peace. And god, the social media does not help. Have stopped using IG and switched to Reddit. And it’s slightly better? Who knows.

Been reading books, watching movies, TV shows, going to the gym. I have found a new obsession with Apps. Using an app for everything.

Goodreads for books

Letterboxd for movies

Serializd for TV shows

Money Mgr. for expenses

MyFitnessPal for calorie count

NikeRun Club for Gym

Happy Scale for weight

Spotify for music

Too much time to kill? Probably yeah. Been reading Bridget Jones’s diary and feel like I am turning into her.

Can’t believe my last blog post was one year ago.

Nerves. Got to rest the nerves.

Musings #018

Today was a day off and I seemed to be consumed with negative thoughts through the day.

Today was such a weird day. Barely uttered any words. Slept and ate. A lot of time wasted on social media platforms like Reddit and Instagram.

Room is a mess but didn’t clean it up. Watched a movie that was slightly disturbing (Luckiest Girl Alive on Netflix). Pondered and worried about my increasing weight, saw the pictures over the last one year and how I am changing.

Recalled an incident from the past where a lady was rude in particular.

Should have gone to sleep but decided to take a bath at 2 am while reading Slyvia Plath’s Bell Jar. For those of you who don’t know, the protagonist is undergoing mental health issues and I ended up reading the part where she is contemplating cutting off her wrists in a warm bath. Major eye roll moment. Got a little freaked out. Saw a few pictures of my partner who is away at the moment to comfort myself. Decided not to read any further.

Now ending this bummer of a day with a blog post.

Adios!

Musings #017

मन रे तू काहे ना धीर धरे?

“O heart (mind)! Why don’t you get a grip?”

Why do you roam aimlessly? What do you want to achieve?

Why are you letting time pass by?

Why don’t you let go?

Why not let the bygones be bygones.

Mind has accepted it, just waiting for the heart to comply.

दरवाज़ा बंद कर के बैठा है।

“It’s been sitting with the doors closed.”

Why the wait? What’s talking so long?

Go, be free.

Mess of a heart

There are only so many ways you can convey to someone that you love them. And then sometimes, words fall short.

How do you even express these emotions?

What if you are only embarrassing yourself. What if the other person wouldn’t understand the gravity of it. What if they are not where you are yet and the clarity you have in your head is confined to you. Or what if you are just plain delusional and afraid to break your glass walls.

I don’t know man.

Where do I run when I am so sure about a thing and can’t explain why?

I seldom feel this restlessness in my being. Trying very hard to let it go and yet accept it as a part of me.

You know when a kid is too adamant to get a plushie in a store and as a parent, you are pulling their fingers away from the stuffed toy and lovingly telling them to let it go, let it go! That’s one emotion I feel. I do not understand the reasoning behind it but I need to let something go.

And then there is an assurance from the heart, that everything will work out well. Everything is how it is meant to be. It couldn’t have worked any other way. Some lovers are meant to unite and some just have to be apart! That’s nature balancing things. Giving each of us a piece of happiness we deserve. We got to accept the course life has chosen for us, not just accept but embrace it with open arms.

And what about the stories that remain unfinished? The fallouts of timings and circumstances. What becomes of them?

In another life, may be ?