TWW Musings
Ooh…today I am on day 5 or 6 of my TWW! How exciting, fun, exhilarating…pfft! I THINK NOT!!
Our worst nightmare…
On Monday we saw and heard a beautiful heartbeat of our baby…193 bpm measuring perfectly on time…I was discharged from the fertility clinic. On Thursday we had our first regular OB appt…the doctor wasn’t even going to do an ultrasound but we said ‘sure!’…measuring perfectly but no heartbeat…worst experience of my life.
Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. Shock. Sadness. Anger. Depression. Pain. …
That baby growing inside of me was the best thing to have ever happened to my husband and I and now he’s gone..not sure how we will get through this holiday and subsequent..this was too real this time..completely different than last…..I still believe it’s a nightmare and we will wake up..how can this happen to us again?
I don’t know where to go from here…don’t know where to go…
Freaking out…
So last week went well..relatively. We told the in-laws and after some hand gestures for my hard-of-hearing father-in-law he got that we were pregnant, but the miscarriage part from the year before had to be explained to him later. My SIL was a bit of a PITA and my MIL was way too excited, but all of these things were expected on my end.
I then proceeded to get sick with a fever of 101+ and freaked out..called docs and ended up taking extra Tylenol and sitting in a cool bath…
Thanksgiving came and went and we arrived back home that night. Come Saturday night late I was back sick AGAIN with another stomach bug…this time a bit stronger…but no fever…thank goodness.
Monday was our second ultrasound and we did see a heartbeat and measured about 6 weeks 2 days. Perfect!
I’m currently approximately 6 weeks and 5 days along…and I’m freaking out that my little zucchini has stopped growing. I went from having pretty bad nausea early this week to practically nothing today…my breasts are still a bit tender and I’m tired, but no nausea…perhaps early this week it was a remnant from the stomach bug? I hope so…and I hope all is going great in that uterus of mine. Unfortunately I can’t help but be on edge and obsess over every little sign (or lack of). This is the hard part…what if the baby dies and my body doesn’t recognize it…again? Ugh…this time will be so much worse because we saw the little heart beating strong…but that doesn’t guarantee anything. I want a guarantee damn it….please?
On top of this I sit here a mess and stressing out because my brother’s wife is bugging me on why I can’t drive my mom to visit them this weekend. My husband was going to come but he has to go out of town and I can’t drive the 6 hours in one day..that’s just ridiculous. I know they are disappointed and my SIL will only make my brother feel worse about it (she comes from a long line of catty women), but I need to take care of my little zucchini. I’m stressing out enough about being pregnant as it is…I can’t worry about my brother’s feelings…is that awful?
So we were going to tell them during the visit this weekend…now it looks like I will have to call my brother and try to get his attention. He’s not the most emotional guy…so I imagine it will be ‘oh, cool….ok..by!’.. Ugh… nightmare…hopefully it will be a bit better than that…
Spilling the beans.
Today was one of the most nerve wracking days I’ve had in a long long time. The hubs and I got up a bit later than expected, so we didn’t arrive to my parents house until 9:30. After saying hellos and handing my mom some items I picked up for her and also for her to give my dad for Christmas I asked her to come to the living room so we could all sit. Then I had to ask my dad to turn the tv off…so he knew something was up! He then said ‘what are you pregnant?’… Talk about stealing my thunder!!! Hahah. That’s fine though. Then I quickly said ‘yes, but…’ and told a short short short version of the happenings of the past year – whew.
My mom was a wreck. I think a happy wreck… then after more discussion she said ‘so can I say congratulations?’…ha. I said yes but it’s still soooo early we have no idea what will happen. Taking it one day at a time. So after some tears on my end and my mom’s I ask her what she needed help with (as soon as we walked in she said ‘oh! I need you to help me with x’). Of course I didn’t hear what ‘x’ was at the time…so I asked about it and she said ‘no…I don’t think I want you to help now’..haha. It had to do with lifting the mattress so she could put the freshly ironed dust ruffle on! She didn’t want me lifting..even told me no carrying laundry up and down the stairs! She’s so worried, but it’s a good worry.
After helping with the dust ruffle we went to help her with her computer…in that room she had a bunch of things she wanted to show me…she was soooo excited about what she bought for my niece and nephew and then couldn’t stop saying things like ‘oh! I can save this for you’! She was just so overjoyed…it was wonderful. Then I said ‘let me get that present I got for Papa’ and she said ‘no! I’ll get it..you stay here’..haha. It required going down stairs so that was a big no-no (and a fall down the stairs I believe is what led to the still birth of her 2nd son, Benjamin, at 7 months). She gets back upstairs and is again in tears. She told me ‘she was crying in my father’s arms’. WOW! Now if that doesn’t just pull at your heartstrings what does? It’s not common to see my stern, German, at times emotionally detached mom react in such a way. I just hope and pray that she is able to have another grandchild join the ranks come July!!
My dad, always a joker, said ‘I figured you were trying to get pregnant when you didn’t get a third dog’! Ha! Later on before we left he said ‘All we had to do back then was have sex!’ and I said ‘yea…we didn’t even have to do that.’ Kind of an uncomfortable conversation to have with your dad, but…all in good fun….I just hope I have no nightmares. :o)
Overall, it went really well and they understood why we kept these happenings to ourselves for so long. I put up a positive front about the whole experience so that made them much more at ease. I mentioned adoption and my dad wasn’t too into talking about it..so that was difficult. Other than that though it was a good visit. We will see my in-laws tomorrow night it looks like….I hope this one goes just as well!
Hopefully we’ll see something at that ultrasound tomorrow…too early for heartbeat of course, but I hope there is some sign of developing life.
Getting Attached…
The blood work from yesterday turned out A-OK. Everything looks like it should, but I’m a little concerned with my TSH numbers…hopefully I can have them monitor it. My husband is getting attached to the growing being in my uterus…and he’s super positive this will work out. I wish he wasn’t…I know it’s natural, but I don’t want to get attached quite yet. I am nervous that as soon as I acknowledge what’s happening it will stop happening. Irrational? Maybe. But when you’ve experienced a loss it’s always on your mind.
We are going to tell the families soon. I am going to see if the hubs will go up to my parents’ place Sunday or Monday and then hoping we head out for Thanksgiving Monday night and we’ll tell his family then. On Monday I go in for my first ultrasound and the nurses say you won’t be able to see anything…but I know you should be able to see *something* otherwise they wouldn’t have me come in!
This morning my breasts aren’t nearly as tender as yesterday and I’m feeling quite energetic…I hope that’s due to getting a full night’s rest and not waking up at 3am like I have been lately and not a slow down or decrease in hormone production…with each oddity and each twinge of my abdomen I get more and more nervous.
Stepping back and evaluating what I’m going through I am in awe…I can’t believe I’m pregnant again…after thinking it would never happen. I was actually planning to stop treatment for a while and let nature take its course…which included us registering for adoption… I still want to, but know that’s not fair to do. I feel like there is a little one out there that needs us…hopefully we still will be able to do this one day soon.
Breathe…
I told myself I shouldn’t post anything right now..but I am 100000% freaking out. I.am.pregnant. However…I am not one bit excited. I am extremely nervous and scared out of my mind that tomorrow’s blood test will reveal the demise of my pregnancy…for a second and a half time. My blood results yesterday showed an HCG of 151 and progesterone of 31. If the HCG doesn’t double by tomorrow…who knows. The hubs is feeling good about things…but I am a hot mess.
I have a few friends that read this (so it’s not completely anonymous) and I am sorry this is the way you have to find out…but after all this is a place for me to vent and I need it so much at the moment. I won’t be telling anyone else other than you fellow bloggers, friend blog readers and those at my doctor’s fertility support forum for a long, long time. However, we have decided to tell the families next week (finally) assuming the numbers do go up and the ultrasound shows a gestational sac in the right spot.
I am trying my hardest to pretend this isn’t going on right now…the more I think…the more I freak out. I don’t think I can handle another ‘missed abortion’. I HATE THAT TERM. I have never seen a heartbeat before…so until that hurdle is crossed I can’t even dream of being happy or excited. And I know too many women who have had horrible losses later on in pregnancy, so you really are never relaxed. The best I can do is breathe and vent here. That’s all I really need and want at the moment anyway.
A big thanks again to technology… Now…time to breathe and look for some distractions.
Legumes
I was reading a post by a fellow (in)fertility blogger and she wrote something about a bogus and nasty facebook ad aimed at helping women get pregnant. It reminded me that I have been telling FB that I am not interested in any ultrasound technologies they are advertising. When I ‘close’ the ad I am prompted for the reason why I’m not interested…I say ‘it’s offensive’.
I did get an ultrasound picture of the yolk sac the first time around but never got another one…so I just don’t enjoy seeing those things. I also hate when I ask Dr.Google questions and up pops ‘peanut’s, pea’s, bean’s’ etc. ultrasound picture. And what’s up with people calling their unborn children legumes? If I am lucky enough to experience pregnancy…I think I’ll use some more uncommon used legumes like ‘lentil’ or ‘mesquite’. Or maybe because the baby would likely be tall I’d go with large and long fruits and veggies…how about ‘zucchini or banana’? That sounds more like sex-ed condom talk than baby talk…but definitely more fun.
Oh! Today marks the approximate 10 year dating anniversary of my hubby and I. Yowza! We are inadvertently celebrating by going away to visit a bunch of friends. It started early last night with a visit to some old college friends and will end with a visit with some newer/old college friends! It should be a great time and I hope the baby talk will be at a minimum. I just wanna have fun and relax!
Makes me wanna scream!
I just responded to an email from a guy friend of mine asking if we had any good news to share. My thought process ‘1 – I’ll let you know if there is and if I even want you to know about it and 2 – your wife is kind of an idiot… so I don’t want to hear from you for a while.’
He and his wife are expecting baby number 2 in a few months. I wrote back to him in a somewhat biatchy tone…whatever. His wife has said, what I consider, some really stupid and idiotic things during the limited times we meet.
For example: Do NOT use dental floss while TTC.
WHAT THE F? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Like THAT will do anything?
Now…not to say that I’m against all home remedies and wives tales…I did stumble upon some fresh pineapple Friday night at the grocery store on sale and have been eating it the past few days…but DENTAL FLOSS? That’s RIDICULOUS. Show me the research paper on that one.
Alrighty…enough on that. Now I don’t know why but today I can’t stop eating and drinking. I need something in my mouth all the time. Maybe I’m just trying to avoid working on some website work I need to get done by tomorrow. Whatever it is I want chocolate and I want it NOW. I don’t have any..so I settled for some apple cider. I may end up making some hot cocoa soon though… I’m 8 dpo and am really trying not to test until the nurses said to..on Saturday. I’ll be out of town ..so..what do I do?!?! I don’t want to get ‘bad news’ while I’m hanging out with friends..but actually I’ll know anyway..I know my body enough at this point that I should be able to tell by Wednesday if we’re on the path to conception or rejection. Damn self-awareness!!!!
I asked my hubby to hide the hpts and he hid SOME..but not all..I still have the cheapies that I used to test out the ovidrel…but last time I was getting some evap lines..so that’s not safe to do…
OK…I guess it’s time to get some work done even though it’s so beautiful out..all I really want to do is take the dogs for a walk!! I’m a slacker..if I had done this website stuff earlier…I could enjoy today…I think I torture myself on purpose…give myself some stress outside of TTC that I can focus on.
Once my work is complete I will reward myself by making these: Apple Walnut Cinnamon Roll Cupcakes . Assuming it’s not time to go to bed yet. :o)
It had been a good day.
Tick tock tick tock I’m almost 32…and I’m a mess.
My day was going along smoothly until I got an email from a friend telling me another friend (whose wedding I was in..the matron of honor!) has ‘some news to share’… UGH. I haven’t spoke to this friend in over a year when I saw her last. I have reached out numerous times, but never hear anything back. She doesn’t know about our miscarriage and doesn’t know what we’re going through. I think I’m so upset because she hasn’t been the one to tell me she’s preggo and that she hasn’t really been a friend at all since she got married. Her attitude has totally changed, which is why I didn’t tell her we were pregnant before…if I were to speak to her now…I would let her in on what’s happening..or would I? I feel guilty talking to pregnant friends about our problems…I don’t want to stress them out and I really just would rather pretend there is nothing wrong in general.
On another topic…while TTC way back when (it’s been almost 2 years?) I started a registry…just things I would fantasize about that I would want to have for a baby and a baby’s room. When we got pregnant I was more serious about it…though I obviously shouldn’t have been. Well, last night I looked at it for the first time in a long time and caved and bought a few things. I justified it by ‘I like these things and by the time we are able to have a child in our home they may no longer be available’. And the free shipping certainly didn’t hurt … somewhat of an instigator actually. I feel so silly for doing it…I guess I had a lot of ‘hope’ last night..and now..today…I have little.
Every month I debate on telling my family about our infertility. I am struggling with it right now. I want them to know (mostly my brother and SIL) so we stop getting questions about when we’re going to have children, but I am afraid of their reactions and I really worry about being blamed. My husband seems to be ‘perfect’ and I feel like I will be attacked…totally irrational..but that’s my fear. I also don’t want daily phone calls and I don’t want to break my mother’s heart. She will cry for me at night if she knows all that’s been happening..it will be so foreign to her…all of these shots and blood tests. She did lose a baby at 7 months gestation…I can’t imagine how she got through it….so she will understand the miscarriage…her situation was a billion times more difficult and devastating. She is a strong woman who grew up without a father in a time when her country was at war. She’s endured a lot and I would hate for her to go through what I’m experiencing even if it’s only by hearing what’s been happening.
I guess I bounced around a lot today…my stream of consciousness writing style is probably obnoxious…but definitely helping me cope.
Stress
There are many sources of stress during the TWW and overall in general. Today I have the added stress of watching the US midterm elections. I don’t know why I get so worked up…total stress. I’m also stressing out about losing my hair. For some reason my hair right on top of my head is disappearing…ever since after I miscarried it’s been slowly disappearing…this is devastating for me. I talked to the doctor and he said there is no reason other than stress (after looking at my blood hormone workup). I also had an unconfirmed chemical pregnancy back in March…wondering if that doesn’t help the situation.
I also stress out on a daily basis when my dogs screech, whine and chase each other around the house at lightening speed. I’m worried that the playing will turn into fighting and I’ll have blood and wounded dog to clean up. And of course I’m stressing out that I’m doing things I shouldn’t be doing during the TWW. I don’t know why…when I got pregnant before I didn’t do anything special…now I’m doing extra special things so I should just do those (baby aspirin and progesterone) and live life as usual…easier said than done.
The good thing is there are many things taking my mind off of what’s happening inside my body…so that helps. The bad thing about that is a different stress related to work… I think my body functions best when stressed with ‘too many things to do’. At least I’d like to pretend that is the case. Right now I have less time to think about what dpo I am and what my hormones are doing, etc. I hope this remains the case until testing day!
Back in the saddle again.
Woohoo! I’m back in the *wonderful* TWW. IUI was Saturday with 1 mature follicle. Here’s to hoping it works! I’ve decided not to think ahead until next week…then if I feel antsy will order injectible meds $$$$$. The nurses at the doctor’s said it’s better to pay for them out of pocket because the insurance can rob me blind and use up our deductible…anyone know the street price on Bravelle these days? I think it will be my Christmas gift? hehehe And I just found this: “Bravelle is a product containing a highly purified preparation of human follicle stimulating hormone (hFSH) extracted from the urine of postmenopausal women.” Wowza.
So I no longer have an office for work…will be working from home. I think this will be a good thing…I can be productive when I have to and can use the resources near the office when necessary without feeling obligated to use the space. The guy I was working with that was renting the office is moving temporarily to Maryland and trying to sell his house…all in the midst of starting up his business. Crazy man I tell ya..simply crazy.
This weekend we were at a Halloween party and there was a pregnant lady there…I was really truly hoping it was part of her costume..but no such luck! Then somehow I ended up sitting next to her (have never met her before) and she’s telling me all about her pregnancy..the LAST thing I wanted to hear on a ‘fun night out’. I couldn’t even drink because that was the day of the IUI (which was actually super painful this time…is that supposed to happen? The nurse said ‘it’s because I’m in a good position…further up the uterus’…I don’t know if I buy it. That was painful..and I cried..d’oh!). Anyway, I felt like telling this woman that ‘you’re not the first person to be pregnant in the world you know…you’re not that special’…hahaha. Yes, that’s how I felt, but knew it was wrong. I know it’s a special time for her and she just wanted to share it with the world and probably everyone else is oooing and ahhhing over her preggo belly. Still..not easy!
I was able to resolve a PITA meeting I was going to have to drive 45 minutes away for with a phone call early this morning so I have some extra time on my hands. Heading out to a quick lunch with a friend and then back home for a hefty afternoon and evening of work. The hubs is in DC for the day and won’t be home until late…less distractions! Hopefully the dogs will just sleep all day..they had an eventful weekend too. :o)
I also wanted to pass along a blog of a friend of a friend. I’m starting to read it and enjoying all the stories and discussions. OneSweetFamily.com
I thought this was supposed to be fun... 