Tired, tired, tired

I’m exhausted and it’s only going to stay like this for the forseeable future, so let’s hear it for mushroom coffee and chai lattes!

Spicy Ginger is beyond exhausted, as is his framing partner. I have no idea how they are keeping up each day. 7 days a week, full time each day. And it’s not light work. It’s hard, back-breaking work.

It makes me feel like a wimp in comparison, but I know why I feel the way I do and I just have to pace myself. Losing weight has been good for me, but it doesn’t change the facts of my health situation.

So here’s the catch-up (while I wait for some incoming things for work): Didn’t get the job and have no idea what the deal killer was for them. It doesn’t really matter what it was… personality mis-match, I focused too much on thinking about long-term goals if they brought me on, I was too expensive… no experience in the industry. The list is likely long and I am fine with the outcome. It took a bit to deal with my disappointment as I was really looking forward to building something great with them. Ultimately, though, I was feeling really anxious about leaving the team I’m with and I think that would have been tough.

This means I’ll have a lot to do where managing my financial world is concerned as we hit January. Things will be harder and it’s going to be a significant financial crunch. Then the ending of child support as of April will be the next hit. Add in to all of that the transition from our old company’s systems to the new company’s ERP and processes… well, it’s a lot. Our house is a mess. The kids are just hanging on and I’m tired all the time. I could turn into a giant stress bomb, but instead I’m just going to do what I can and take it one hour/one day at a time.

I have faced a few things and they are simple to express: I am not going anywhere. I don’t have the emotional or psychological bandwidth to leave my current position. I’m too tired to spend energy on a job search right now and I’m not entirely sure that will change in the next year. I cannot take on anything more. I will take it slow and easy while I learn the materials for my CAPM certification, with the goal to achieve that before the end of 2026. I will work with my counselor to get the paperwork done for the kids to get services and support based on their needs as autistic people.

One thing I’m proud of? I finally stood up to Spicy Ginger’s crazy ex. I told her off and set a boundary, with outcome, if she crosses the boundary. She has gone quiet and if all goes well, that’s the end of it. If not, there is the outcome that will take very small effort on my part. As far as I’m concerned, it’s done.

As for the mess and chaos in the house? I’m just going to eat the elephant one tiny bite at a time. We’ve been through a lot this year and the political situation in this country is horrible enough that I am going to do what I can to conserve energy. Everything else is one step at a time. My priority is to stay employed and keep the kids from losing their minds. Oldest turns 23 next month and my deepest wish is that she find SOME kind of footing in life. Some times it feels like she didn’t really survive that attempt at 19 and everything that has followed is just a shadow life.

Youngest is doing her best to hang on and I feel like I’m barely helping. Everything is like marching through jello… slow and difficult.

That’s all I have. I need to get back to work and try to move my workload ahead incrementally today.

Moonfire

Interviewing at age 56

I had the first round of in-person interviews for underwriting assistant trainee with an insurance company yesterday. I am high interest for the position and I have a LOT of relevant background and education that would make me well-suited to the position. The salary band is right for me and I really believe that I am a good match for the company temperament-wise.

Now the bad. In the second of the three interviews (back-to-back), I made a comment that gave away my age. Why is this bad? Well, frankly, ageism is a thing. A company investing a lot of time and money in bringing a new employee up to speed is hoping for a long-term commitment. I want that long-term commitment and, in fact, hate the fact that I even have to be interviewing right now when I thought I was in my “work until I die” company, which sadly isn’t the case due to us being acquired.

No one that I interviewed with was over early 40’s and actually, I believe most were in their 30’s. Now I want to be clear about something – my current supervisor, that I adore, is in her 30’s and she is fantastic. I enjoy working with her because of kindness, her perspective on the world, and her honesty. She may not be the right supervisor for everyone, as that’s an unrealistic expectation, but she is PERFECT for me.

Do I want to leave her? No. Do I want to take her wherever I end up going? Yes. In fact, I’d love to take our whole team. Can I stay there? Shit, no. The situation with benefits is a financial poison pill for me.

So here I am, interviewing for something that came to my attention literally days after I had said I was holding off on my search until after Youngest graduated from high school and Spicy Ginger’s house is built. Instead, this damned email from Indeed hit my inbox and it was the right job, the right time, and it checks my boxes.

I promptly looked up all I could about the people I’d be interviewing with once I got the invite to the first round of interviews after the screening call and uh oh, I could tell they were a long ways younger than me. I did some sleuthing about ageism at my time in life and yup, it’s a big thing.

I was going to let my hair go fully natural salt and pepper, but based on this info, I freshened up my color, got a sassy new stylish cut and dressed as best as my GLP1 weight-losing body would let me (I am saggy but working on it).

And then I fucked up and made one damned comment that gave away at least the decade of life I’m in.

Now, I’m not saying that will be the thing that sinks me. I could easily have blown it in some other way, but I’m almost certain that they will find a reason to not move forward with me. I’m certain enough that I’m going to have to shake off the hopes and focus my energy on how I will deal with January and the financial implications that will come about due to these benefits and their associated cost.

Good fucking grief this sucks.

I did NOT want to be looking at my age. I don’t want to be interviewing. I don’t want to camoflage my age and worry that I’ll say the wrong thing and give it away. This company is in the business of being driven by statistics and I guarantee that this is an issue for them.

So yeah. This happened.

Moonfire

Burnt Out On Everything

It has been a while, so it’s time to bring us up to date. Job search is on hold. I have less than zero spoons. I am struggling to keep things going for my kids, Oldest in particular is having a hard time, but so is Youngest. I was all set to finish up materials to apply for a new job and realized that taking on a new job is simply more than I can fold into the mix. While I’m in semi-dire straights beginning in January 2026, thanks to the awful benefits at the new company, it would be even worse if I left and ended up in a bad place with a new job due to my family obligations and my health.

I am currently so overwhelmed as to be struggling just to take care of my basic needs right now. It’s unlikely to get better in the next few months and may even get worse with the integration of our old company into the new one.

I’m working with a counselor who has a fairly good understanding of all that I’m facing, so at least I have that support.

What do I need? Frankly, I need money. I need help in the household. I need some kind of fucking break.

What will I get? None of these.

I don’t need to be grilled about my situation. I don’t need to be pressed to “see the bright side” or “be grateful for what I have”. Those empty bits will do nothing and only add to the weight of what I “should do”. Unless you are a single parent of special needs adult children who are struggling, you do not understand what I’m going through. X is almost fully out of the picture, except for the child support that comes in every two weeks via the state system. That will end next April and then I will be fully on my own, yet the situation will likely be the same.

So if I’m impatient or curt with those who try to tell me what I should be doing, especially if they aren’t in my situation, they will have to just reconcile their own feelings because I don’t have the bandwidth to soften how I’m responding right now. I had to tell Spicy Ginger to let something go and he simply would not. Ultimately, he will learn. I am on my own and there is no one to give me relief or a break.

This isn’t whining or self-pity. It’s simply fact.

You know what WOULD help right now? An easy recipe that will feed a household… some flowers… a funny meme. Tell me you know things are hard for me and you’re rooting for me. Tell me you’re rooting for my kids to hang in there until things get better.

Here’s what I DO know about my world: I have to be strong and careful every single day. I can’t say the wrong thing or respond the wrong way because I’ll hurt someone’s feelings or make a situation worse. I have to keep losing weight but get weight on Youngest. I have to support my family on an income that is too low for our family size and is going to get lower because you pay bills off your net income, not your gross income. I am 56 and trying to take care of my chronic health conditions while still being a good partner to my Spicy Ginger, but some days I feel like a hag and just want to crawl in a hole. I want to spend time with my mum because I seriously don’t know how many days I have with her – is it years or is the count lower than that – and yet I’m exhausted by work and all the needs everyone has of me, so I’ve been hiding out in my room. I need to clean. I need to get everyone in the household to do chores, but that means I have to do the work to get them on a routine, so that’s more work for me. I have appointments to make and prompts to do so that they are getting their basic care and commitments met.

And there’s the worry that sits on me like a toad. Worry about Oldest not hurting herself. Worry about Youngest getting nutrition, but also getting her emotional needs met. Worry about Mum and her health. Is she ok? Is she sleeping too quietly? House maintenance… yard maintenance… care for the animals…. care for myself. Eating, even when I am tired of the endless work of it all.

I am tired. Not physical tired alone, but a deep tired that goes all the way through me and I don’t know that there is enough medication or chemicals to keep me going. There’s no retirement in my future and no celebration for milestones that Oldest will reach, unless some kind of miracle happens. I’m not looking ahead and hoping for grandchildren. I’m looking ahead and hoping someone figures out how to help Oldest so she can have even a semi-normal life. I’m hoping I can keep working until the last moment or maybe even drop down to part-time somewhere along the way.

I’m hoping we aren’t dragging Youngest down with us.

I’m hoping Mum stays with me into my elder years so she and I can keep nattering at each other, drinking our tea, and repeating everything because we’re so deaf.

I’m hoping that Spicy Ginger and I keep having date nights into the years ahead of us, with good food and maybe some wins for both of us that ease our worlds. I love him dearly, even more as the years continue to pass. Maybe he’s not the ideal husband, but he is the husband for me.

So that’s where I am. 6-9 months from now I’ll revisit the issue of the job search, pending available spoons. If I don’t have them, I’ll have to reconcile myself to the continuing erosion of my earnings and find a way to become thick-skinned about it.

Moonfire

No Date Night This Week

Spicy Ginger is working all weekend and through the next weekend, as well. He’s balancing working full-time for another builder and working on building his house (starting Monday). He is going to be really tired and I expect I won’t see much of him over this next while. And still he came in to shower over here tonight and cleaned our bathroom. I feel awful that I didn’t get it done today and even worse that he worked hard today and then did it.

Tomorrow is a family household meeting to set up our chore schedule for each day and get everyone, except my mum, taking care of the house daily. This is my homework from my counselor and it’s a must-do. I’m also going to help Oldest’s GF get her name change done. This is an important step for her and it will help her be safer in her job search.

I have to tackle the mess in my bedroom, too. I can’t let it overwhelm me because I need it to be done. Oh, and laundry for me and mum, as well.

So the weekend is going to be busy and I need to be on top of things. Oldest isn’t doing well and it looks like it might be an issue with her nutrition. So add that to things I need to do, as she is clearly getting more and more ill.

All in all, I feel like I’m dog paddling at this point and I feel the pressure of being a single parent with some serious concentration issues.

In more positive news, I am working with my career coach on Monday morning and I’m getting together my application for a good job that I think I could really sink my teeth into. The biggest question, perhaps, is how I get an interview when I don’t have my bach in accounting. That is beginning to be my biggest education regret at this point. Damn, I wish I’d just done the master’s in accountancy and then I’d be doing fine.

Hindsight and all that, though.

Well, I suppose it’s time to crash. I have cats to cuddle, cool air coming in through the window, and a comfy bed. I’m hungry but food doesn’t sound appealing. Story of my life lately.

Moonfire

Tears are dehydrating

Completely melted down yesterday. It finally hit me hard and all the frustration came pouring out.

My self-esteem – work self-esteem – is in the dumpster.

I’m angry, sad, and today I’ve added a nice dose of bitter to the mix.

I’m also experiencing almost paralyzing fatigue.

Good times.

Job Search, Again

I freaking hate job searches but in this current environment? It’s even worse.

So before I go into my host of feelings on this whole thing, I will say this: If you don’t take care of your employees, they will leave. It’s that simple. Undervaluing them will negatively impact them financially and professionally. Period.

So fuck this whole situation and fuck the powers-that-be who made the decisions that led to me being undervalued and fuck past-Shannon who didn’t do a good job in the interview that led me to work there. Oh yeah… fuck the damned acquisition and all those who made bank while leaving the rest of us holding the bag.

So here I am again, getting my resume updated and doing the research on a couple of positions so I can apply. I looked at the person who is (presumably) currently in the position I’m applying for and holy shit, I cannot compete with someone who did a triple major in accounting, finance and information systems, plus got an MBA. Following that is going to suck and this leads me to the focus of this posting which is how much I am lacking. I have been on the edge of crying all of this last week and right now I am almost tipping over into just losing it.

I’m such a mess and after what I’ve gone through at my current company, this latest wrinkle in my search does not help me at all. How can I sell myself when I barely believe in myself? It’s clear that my current company sure as fuck doesn’t believe in me.

I want to fold up into a little mass and just hide.

I’m supposed to do date night with Spicy Ginger tonight and I’m not sure I can. I’m really not doing well.

I have a consult with a career coach on Monday at 12:30. I sure hope that I can make something out of this mess because right now I am in the weeds and floundering.

Moonfire

Tired and Blue

Spicy Ginger is moved into the shop at his property. He’s getting water from a neighbor and working on getting permanent power pulled to the shop, but for now is using a draw from the temp power pole on the site for construction of his house (whenever that may be).

He worked so hard to make the move happen and I helped a bit, but not near enough.

I’m in pain and I’m very down. Work is frying me. Life is frying me. I’m struggling to get up for work each morning, which is a very bad sign given all the people counting on me. I have no idea how I’ll keep this up for another 10-15 years. Some days I just want it all to go away.

Don’t Break His Heart

My Spicy Ginger is moving out of the home he has lived in for about 15 years. It was his nest… his refuge… his place to build and invent and rest. The new landlords who bought the place gave all the tenants 30 days to get out. The prior landlord had made endless promises and even told the tenants NOT to worry and not to hastily look for new places to live, not understanding that the vacancy rate here is ultra low and finding new places to live can take months.

But it’s not just the finding of a new place to call home… it’s the leaving a place that was true home for so long. My mum understands this all too well, having left her home of 34 years. There is a kind of heartbreak associated with it. All the memories and the hopes and dreams tied to the place you called yours for so long.

You might say, well, it was a rental, it was always owned by someone else. And this is totally true, although this was someone that my SG called “family” and loves. But then old landlord went radio silent on him and as SG is hustling and doing more work than three people combined, he was abandoned by someone he thought cared about him. Now I know it’s guilt and sadness on the part of old landlord. It has been hard on him to let go of the property he built, too. But good grief, don’t just walk off and leave my SG with his broken heart, too!

The lesson I have learned from all of this is to never again put my housing into the hands of another party. Ever. I don’t care if I have to live in a lean-to on my own property. This system is broken. Landlords do NOT care about individuals. They care about their bottom line because this is all about money. Add to this the way that decisions are made with little regard to the human cost of booting people from their housing and the ridulous expense of getting a new rental when you add in deposits and fees? Well, it’s a shitty mess.

I am angry that my love is going through this and I have so little ability to do much to help him. I live in a 10×10 room with a twin bed in our multi-gen house because my family huddling together is the only way we can financially survive. Oldest is disabled by mental health issues. Youngest is trying to finish high school this next year and learn to drive and get her first job. Roomie is doing the best he can and honestly, he is keeping me sane. Mum is the heart and soul of our household and she holds us together financially. I need to increase my salary by $40K per year NOW to lift the load off of her. That’s almost double what I make now, but I’ll do what I have to in order to get there.

So I send this out into the ether: Please stop breaking my Spicy Ginger’s heart. Give him a break. And please could someone come up with a better system for housing than this broken profit-motivated bullshit??

Moonfire

Depressive State

I haven’t written in a long time now because I’m in a fairly significant depressive state. There’s too much going on, both in the country and in my job. I simply do not have enough spoons to deal with it all and I’m tanking in a number of ways.

Sadly, none of the extreme stressors are going to let up or resolve. They are long term and some of it is permanent.

This means I have no reserves to deal with the regular life happenings that crop up now and again. I’m drained, fully, and it’s coming out in both my psychological/emotional state and in my physical state. Unfortunately, fibro is a nervous system issue and I’m not doing well because of the stressors.

So if folks don’t hear from me, this is why. My home space is a wreck. My body is suffering. My kids are suffering with their own health and psychological issues due to the micro and macro world at present.

That’s all I’ve got.

Moonfire

Brief Update

I’m sure that it goes without saying that my stress level is through the roof. Life in the US right now is painful and honestly, I wish we could leave.

We can’t so here we are.

There are endless changes going on at work and I had a REALLY bad trading day yesterday, but luckily (for both), I am rolling with things. Mostly I just want to get through this year without losing my mind.

Spicy Ginger is slowly healing after his surgery and he’s doing really well with his PT. I’m so proud of how patient he is being with his body, even as he is worried about the financial aspects of not being able to work. Honestly, right now almost all of my problems (and the problems of those I love) could be fixed with money and I hate that.

I want to write more but I need to get back to work and lately I haven’t had a lot of words to write. I’m mostly just tired and my body is unhappy with the viruses that have been hitting during this awful cold and flu season.

Maybe next week I’ll have more to say.

Moonfire