Why?

It is so hard for me to fall asleep at night this past few days. Macam2 mengganggu fikiran.Have you ever wished that sometimes you can just erase memories? Get rid of things that you dont want to remember anymore. Sbb makin ingat makin sakit. Sangat sakit. Kenapa penipu wujud dalam dunia ni? Dan kenapa juga aku boleh menjadi sebegitu lurus sampai boleh kena tipu dengan teruk? Kenapa senang sangat percaya bila orang cakap dia sayang aku or whatever? Seriously, how could i be that stupid? 

Broken into pieces..

My old flame requested to be my fren on fb. It's weird but it's okay. I approved. It's no big deal since my feelings for him are not the same as before. Since he also didnt have any bad intention, it's fine with me. So we chatted. After almost 2 years. It's kinda weird, though. But I dont feel anything anymore. Not the way i used to feel every time i talked to him years ago. I guess I've changed. And he's changed too. In fact, he's not the HE i used to love. Things changed. A LOT. 

I think I've really given up hopes. With him or anyone else. I really couldn't stand another heartbreak. Seriously, i can't. Feels like my heart was ripped out of my chest and died. Seems like I have no feelings anymore. I am tired to try already. REALLY REALLY tired of being hurt, over and over again. Tired of meeting any more liars. Please, not anymore! I lost hopes already. Maybe there's no more chance for me..It hurts me so much to even think about this.

A walk down memory lane...

Dear Old flame..

I was brokenhearted again. :(

You are the first person that comes into my mind everytime i was brokenhearted. No matter how many times i was hurt by those people who claimed to love me, but turned out to be PENIPU, the person i think of is always you. 

You know why? 

Because you were the only one who was being HONEST. And all those memories with you are REAL and TRUE. And all of my relationships after you were mostly based on LIES.

Thank you for all the memories.. They will always be the most precious to me cause i know i can never have memories like that anymore. Every guy who claimed to love me after you turned to be INSINCERE & LIARS..and i dont understand why. Did they enjoy playing with my heart? Did they enjoy  hurting my feeling?  Was it fun playing with people's feelings like that? What did they want actually? Seriously, i still dont get it. I was always being true and honest but still, i was the one getting hurt. 

Each and every time, every guy i fell for turned out to be LIARS or even worse, PLAYERS. You might say, how could i be that stupid to trust someone that easy. I dont know..things just happened. In fact, i was actually tired waiting for you. I lost that HOPE (that i will end up being married to you) since things were always complicated between us. I told myself to give myself a chance. A chance with someone else. It was REALLY hard for me..only Allah knows..how much i loved you. And those many years i've wasted just to wait for you..it really broke my heart into pieces. It hurts. It still hurts every time i think about it.

When i started to open up my heart..i always get the wrong guys. ALWAYS! i was being too honest without even realize that i was actually being fooled by them. They didnt actually love me..they just love to play with my heart. And i ended up to be BROKENHEARTED.  Over and over again. It is sad, isnt it? How pathetic my love life could be, considering my age now. 

At this moment, i really have no idea which guys are good or which are bad anymore. One word - SERIK. serik utk kena tipu lagi. I am too tired of that..sangat-sangat penat dan serik. feels like i have given up HOPE and everything.

Sometimes, i hope that i could go back to the past (year 2000 to be spesific) when i first saw you.. and relive the memories i had with you..so that i could fix whatever went wrong..but how is that possible? Sudah takdir. But one thing you should know is, I CAN NEVER HATE YOU. You are my FIRST LOVE and you will always be. 

Whatever happens, i hope everything is fine with your life. And i hope, this time, i can REALLY let you go.

Yours sincerely,

The Rock (the name i asked you to call me when we first knew each other. I wonder if you still remember?)

tired

I am tired..really tired.

broken

All it takes is a fake smile to hide an injured soul & they will never notice how broken i really am..

heartbreak.

I really can't stand another HEARTBREAK..

i am not perfect

Aku insan yg terlalu byk kekurangan. Dr segi rupa dan sikap. Mungkin sikap aku sdndiri buat orang fed up dengan aku. Mmg bukan senang nak jumpa orang yg boleh tahan dengan sikap aku..terlalu susah. Mungkin x akan jumpa sampai bila2..

decision

Am i making the right decision? Or i'm just throwing myself into the same scenario? Is the old story going to repeat itself?? Same old same old? i'm a little confused.

a day to remember

I finally met 'someone' yesterday. Someone i've been talking to through whatsapp & phone for the past few months. Someone who used to be a shoulder to cry on. In my eyes, he is a very softspoken person and i am really comfortable of that. 

Thanks for the lovely evening, mr softspoken person! You really made my day. ;) 😊

sakit..

Aku rasa dah terlalu penat nak pujuk hati orang. Tp orang x pernah nak pujuk hati aku. Terlalu kerap aku mengalah dan pujuk hati sendiri. Tapi makin lama makin sakit.. 

good enough

How to be good enough for someone?  No matter how many times, it seems like whatever i do is never good enough for them. 

new start

Masa untuk bermula semula dan bangkit dari kekecewaan yg teruk. Sakit itu mungkin telah tiada tetapi parut luka yg dalam tu kekal selama-lamanya. But i chose to be positive. I wont let myself hanyut dalam kekecewaan masa lampau. I'm done being a love fool. It is never easy. I know. But i will try my best for a better future. 

Letting go..

I think it's time to REALLY let go. Of both of YOU, Old flame & the one after that out of my life. You both were my ONLY serious relationship. I had never felt that much love with others before you. I loved you two with all my heart. But BOTH OF YOU LEFT ME without even considered how heartbroken i would be. Or how miserable my life would be without you. It was really sad. And to be more accurate, it was really CRUEL. 

So you know what? I'm done with all this. I'm letting go these devastated & frustrated feelings. I'm done living in the past. I'm done to be stopped in time, to only think of you and all of the memories. Esp. With you, old flame. You were my BESTFREN. You were my FIRST LOVE & nothing can change that. But the fact is, you were not YOU anymore. Not the YOU that you used to be. Not the YOU who used to love me, protect me from harm & care for me. The YOU who told me he could never live without me & promised me that i would never lose him. But the YOU is gone. Gone forever. PEOPLE CHANGED. That was what you told me when you no longer wanted me in your life. And did you know how heartbroken i was after that?  Did you care? NO YOU DIDN'T! You only contacted me when you needed to borrow some money. But you know what the saddest thing is? I could never hate you!

Then came THE ONE AFTER THAT. who promised me everything. Who told me that he would never be the same as my old flame.who promised me he wouldn't break my heart. But guess what? it was always the same LIE! I thought you were the cure to my broken heart. But i was wrong. You were a LIAR. Even worse 'cos you left me just like that without even saying it to my face. And for that, I really HATE you. And also for being a COWARD! I hate you even more when you finally tried to be nice to me after MONTHS of silence by asking how i was doing, who i am currently seeing! Who the hell do you think you are to get in and out of my life like that?? And who the hell are you to know who i am currently seeing? It is none of ur business! FYI, i am not the one you can manipulate anymore! And the good news is, I AM SO OVER YOU.And I didn't even feel sad thinking of you anymore. I still couldn't believe how i could be SOOOO damn stupid falling in love with you & all your sweet words (or lies??) up until now. It seriously was my biggest REGRET. And ypu know what? That separated you from my old flame. He wasn't a regret but you were! 

So now i'm letting you both go. I wish you are FOREVER gone. Out of my heart. Out of my life. 

my promise to myself

Aritu rumah lama tempat i used to live dilanda banjir kecil. Dilaporkan yg semua rumah dinaiki air bah. Including mine. Aku baru teringat yg kotak surat aku ada lg kat rumah tu. Dlm kotak tu aku simpan semua surat termasuk surat2 from penpals dan love letters. From old flame. Haih apa jd agaknya surat2 tu semua?? Aku x berkesempatan lg nak balik tgk. Dah habis lunyai kena air bah kah?

Thinking about the love letters, i am worried. Not becos they used to be so precious to me. It is becos of my promise to myself. Related to the love letters. Aku pernah janji dgn diri aku, yg kalau aku kawin dgn someone else selain drp my old flame, aku akan bakar surat2 tu. So, i hope the letters are fine. Aku yakin aku akan bakar jugak love letters tu semua suatu hari nanti. 

loneliness is tragical

One of the worst feelings is loneliness. To feel like nobody cares. And we feel more alone than we already are. 

something to wonder.

How can i stay in your heart if the place still belongs to someone else? 

alone forever?

Sakit dan terus sakit.

Aku mcm dah xda kawan kat blog ni.semua dah sombong. 

why me?

Why am i always the one who got hurt in the end? Arent i good enough for them? Or am i cursed to be alone until i die? Why am i always the one who got to be heartbroken? 

Story of my life

If you have the brain, and a big heart but you dont have the looks that men want, they are not going to be interested with you. At first maybe yes, but later on, when they realize that you arent beautiful enough to look at, they'll start to slowly leave you. At the end of the day, men still go for looks. No matter how nice you are, how kind your heart is, how wise you are, it's the look that always captures their eyes. Sad, but true. Just a true story of my life.

you are right.

You know what? I guess you are right. I am still suffering. To think of the fact that no one really wants me.

how could you?

After what you did to me, suddenly you acted like you cared? Asking if i was ok? Asking if i am currently seeing someone? What for? Just to make sure that im still suffering after you left me while youre sooo damn happy with her? How could you be so heartless??

what for?

Today u said hye. After months of silence ?Yeah I was a lil bit shocked but nevermind. U left me, remember? Im getting used to this new life without u. And I hope u continue being happy after breaking my heart a year ago. June 2013. I was left during my birthday month. I could never forget that. How could I ever forget that??

unfair

It is unfair that u got to be happy with ur life after turning mine as a living hell! Why do I keep thinking about u? Because I'd like to remind myself that I've been really stupid loving a person like u & I really hope I won't make the same mistake twice. Oh yes, I thought u were nicer than my old flame.I was wrong. U were even worse. 'Cos u didn't have the courage to say that u were dumping me to my face the way he did. Well, u were both jerks anyway. Thanks to both of u that I've been wasting my time hoping that I would live happily ever after. Thanks for all the false hopes and lies.

Sakit

Rasa itu bagai membunuhku.
Menikam ibarat belati tajam.
Bertubi-tubi ke dasar hati. 
Menunggu masa untuk mati.

Soulmate.

Dear soulmate,

Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing. Because you don't exist. Well, maybe for me you don't. Not for anyone else. They are always lucky in love but I'm always not. Yes, ALWAYS. I guess "Brokenhearted" is my middlename now. Suits me well. It is sad, isn't it? But nevermind. Maybe I don't deserve you. 

Me.

carca marba!!

Hidup sedikit carca marba. A lot of things happened. Even di sekolah. Pon carca marba. Since sekolah baru SK Intan Perdana tu dah siap, some of my school teachers have been transfered there. Pelbagai kontroversi timbul. Sgt macam2 dan sgt mencabar kesabaran.

Aku terpaksa ambik alih 3 kelas math year 6 sorang cikgu ni.sbb dia ikut Gb lama ke sekolah baru tu. Bkn tu saja. I have to take over all of her duties including as Su Upsr. Sgt mengundang stress. Since I am still the school's SU PIBG! Penat wey pegang 2 jawatan SU penting sekaligus!

Ada sedikit bengang tp krana memikirkan bdk2 tu nak UPSR, aku tabahkan hati. Walaupon hati aku ni bahagia dah kat year 4. Well, what can I say. AKU YG MENURUT PERINTAH.*sigh*

neverending

The pain never really goes away. And here I am, still suffering..

how are u?

Kemana pergi kawan2 blogger since 2008? I suddenly feel alone here. LOL.

sekadar ucapan

Selamat Hari Polis, old flame. 

No heart feelings anymore. Sekadar ucapan tanda ingatan yg kita pernah bersahabat. Semoga bahagia bersama orang tersayang. 

Where are you??

Bila umur semakin meningkat, kebarangkalian nak jumpa jodoh pun semakin tipis kan? :(

Manusia dicipta berpasang-pasangan..but where is mine? Seriously, I'm sick of meeting Mr Wrongs & had my heart broken over and over again. Where is my Mr Right??

Yg serupa hanya sekadar nama

Tiba2 dapat tau ada sorang cikgu yg kira baru jugaklah kat sekolah aku ni husbandnya bernama sebijik macam nama my old flame. Giler.!X pernah terfikir langsung akan jumpa org berdekatan yg has the same name like his. Sbb nama dia kan unik. 1 dlm seribu kot...tapi itulah kan..some things are unpredictable kan?

Sakit..

Walau segunung tinggi tugas yg datang, walau sejauh mana telah kaki ini menapak, walau seberapa kali memujuk hati, I still feel the pain. Kenapa kali ini lebih sakit? Malah PALING SAKIT.