Evil Boss

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As my boss walked by he gave me a smile.

What the hell was that all about.

Was it the “warm fuzzy?”

Like when you stand next someone

in the pool and pee.

Later that day he said: “Hello.”

Maybe he was out of his mind.

I don’t know.

Can anyone explain why worms come out in the rain?

As we all left the office for the weekend he turned off the lights.
Now things were just too weird.

That poisonous donut I gave him should have killed a horse.

Later, that weekend I saw him  in the  country club pool.

I stood next to him and peed.

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First I showed my bar chart.

The data conclusively showed that I was much more likely

to go to a bar that was closer to work on the way home.

Then I showed my pie chart.

The data indicated that the majority of my time

was spent eating pie at the bar.

I also spent significant time eating pie at the circus.

Then I showed my elephant chart.

No one had ever seen an elephant chart.

It just showed a picture of an elephant sitting at a bar

eating pie at the circus.

He was wearing a hat.

Most found the data in the chart pretty compelling.

Although one elephant did get up and walk out.

There was also an 800 lb gorilla in the room.

He seemed to come to every meeting.

And just sat there saying nothing.

No one ever addressed the 800 lb gorilla in the room.

This time he raised his hand.

Me: “Yes?”

Gorilla: “I have a question about your pie chart.”

Me: “Yes?”

Gorilla: “Is that a banana cream pie?”

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Weekly Work Diary

Monday

I had systematically gone through the pink donut box and eaten

all the frosting off the donuts that had sprinkles.

Also chocolate and maple.

Well, any that had frosting.

So when people came in to get their donuts

they encountered a box of naked donuts with gnaw marks.

As most people would not believe that a human being would do something

like this, I criticized management for their lack of control

over the rodent problem.

A man walked by with a tuba.

Me: “Look a guy with a tuba. “

“He was supposed to take care of the rats.”

“Get him! “

Wednesday

Some bosses refer to you as “valued team members”

or even “colleagues.”

Some bosses are more old school and refer to you as a “subordinate.”

I like being referred to as a “subordinate.”

This implied inferiority of my position makes me feel

less guilty when I don’t do any work.

I actually feel pretty darn good about this.

If such a boss were ever to ask about this lack of performance

I would just say:

“Well, what did you expect? I’m a subordinate.”

“I don’t know why you hired a subordinate in the first place.”

Friday

In retrospect it was probably a mistake to wear that bear

costume on “casual Friday.”

The previous Friday a bear had badly mauled a number of employees

and they never did catch him.

As the horse tranquiller they shot me in the butt with was starting to take

effect, it was also probably a bad idea to send out those last few emails.

I think I wrote one about bears not being terrorists,

which I inadvertently typed up as: “I am The Bear Terrorist.”

In the end HR had to let me go or it would look like they were

“profiling” bears.

And my new nickname “The Bear Terrorist”

made other employees fear me.

Me: “Look a guy with a tuba. Get him!”

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His resume said he was a “self-starter.”

Thank God.

I sure didn’t want to have to start him every morning.

Even though there was a lawn mower cord hanging out of his ear

that made me want put my foot against his side of his head on the floor and give it a good pull.

It was odd that the boss had me interviewing this person.

They never let me interview anyone.

Perhaps he was interviewing to be my replacement.

What a cruel and bitter joke that would be.

But as I love jokes I played along.

Me:”So you’re here to interview for the job?”

Interviewee:”Yes.”

Me: “I didn’t ask you if you thought I had a nice pair of pants!”

Me to self: “Man the arrogance of some of these job seekers.”

Me:”So what’s your name?”

Interviewee:”It’s on my resume.”

Me: “Whoah, too much information!”

Me to self: “Man the arrogance of some of these job seekers.”

Me: “Close your eyes.”

Inerviewee: “What?”

Me: “Please this is a visualization exercise can you please close your eyes?”

Interviewee closes eyes.

Me: “Here catch this bowling bowl.”

Me: “Hmmm. Guess I should have said that last part out loud.

Now this guy is taking up valuable space unconscious on the floor.

Well, at least the visualization exercise was successful.

We all gathered around the unconscious jobseeker and had photos

taken while we enjoyed our coffee.

Everyone agreed that this would provide a hilarious visual for our

group Christmas card.

But no matter how much I pulled on this lawn mower cord with my foot against

his head I couldn’t seem to get him to started.

Guess, that’s why he’s a self-starter.

Interviewee in dazed state: Where. Where am I?

Me: “Can you please hold your questions until the end of the interview?!”

Me:“Man the arrogance of some of these job seekers.”

Me:”If you could be one animal what  one animal would you be?
Interviewee: “I dunno.”

Me:”The correct answer is the animal that kills and eats all the other animals.”

“Did you learn nothing from your time in prison!”

“That’s it keep walking.”

“Walk into the light.”

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Me: What do you consider the most important trait of leadership?

Boss: Where are my pants?

Me: What advice do you have for anyone starting out in business today?

Boss: Do they have my pants?

Me: How important are people skills?

Boss: Did you take my parking space?

Me: What do you know now that you wish you knew when you started out?

Boss: They keep extra rolls of toilette paper in the cabinet under the sink.

Me: How do you manage all the demands on your time?

Boss: Mysterious brown paper bags of food appear in the refrigerator.

Me: What is the secret to your success?

Boss: I never respond to your emails because I don’t know how to read.

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Doctor: There’s a chance that your boss may have suffered severe irreversible brain damage.
Tom: How will we be able to tell?
Evelyn: Will he be getting a promotion?
Greg: Is the boss illliterate?
Sanda: Why was he made boss instead of a trained monkey?
Doctor: These are all good questions, but only time will tell.
Sandra: What are you talking about we could have hired a trained monkey years ago!