External things can’t fix internal issues. I think we all know that in our clearer moments.

My recent relapse was based on the lure of the external. An old friend – alcohol – showed up over a matter go weeks, whispering sweet mumblings and offering comfort to my anxious mind. It was a substance out there, accessible, reasonably cheap and I was somewhat familiar with its promises of relief. What a disaster.

I have spent much of my life wrestling with the external. Confident that some thing – a person, job, money, opportunity, book, substance, whatever, would deliver me to happiness and contentment.

Today is another opportunity to sit with both my muddled and my true self, to welcome all my internal rumblings and grumblings, doubts and dreams and not flee from any of them. To ‘hold the tensions’ of reality.

Here’s to being present. To opening up to all my peculiar thoughts and emotions and welcome them all. And here’s to doing what matters, based on the values I hold dear.

Rock n roll people.

Boozebrain

This resonates strongly with me today. I must only begin…every day, every hour, every conversation. It’s an ongoing part of my recovery. However in watching many people, communities and countries around me frequently descend into frustration, anger and resentment, I think we can ALL benefit by starting again every single day. Multiple times each day.

Have a fine day folks

Boozebrain

Yep, that’s it – our one life, existence, and every evening we prepare to do it all again the following day.

The world is indeed spinning. My drinking was an attempt to avoid the constant motion, deny it, spin against it. It didn’t work. Today marks twenty one days sober and already it’s far more enjoyable to spin with reality than fight it.

Hurrah.

Happy spinning folks

Boozebrain

Today is my daughters 23rd birthday. Wowsers, time sure goes fast. When I read this poem, (Hafiz- my favourite poet) I think of all the mistakes I’ve made as a dad – the poor parenting moments, the shouting, the neglected moments when I was so caught up in myself, the drinking, divorce, moving between separated parents houses week on – week off, and all the other moments when I dropped the parenting ball.

Thankfully, I’m becoming a sober ‘drunken nuisance’ as Hafiz says. I have learned how to forgive myself and today, I get to start again. Today, I choose to be sober and a good Dad. Today I get to laugh and be present to all around me, especially my four kids.

Stay confident and be kind to yourself. After all, we’re just humans. We’re not Gods.

Boozebrain

I returned to the beach last night with my partner and four kids to celebrate both my day of birth and more importantly, sixteen nights sober.

In-laws then turned up and the champagne flowed while I drank water. Too funny.

Tomorrow I leave for a week down south. It’ll be delightful to escape the heat for a week and walk the Albany beach every morning.

Joyful days wherever you are comrades.

Boozebrain

Thankfully, I have little problem with letting go of the past, nor do I tend to waste much effort on fighting the old.

Building the new is where I trip up. Procrastinating, analysis paralysis and avoiding difficult conversations. These have been my struggles over the years. However, I’m discovering that the older I get, the easier these things are to manage and respond to.

Here’s to building…or rebuilding the new.

Happy day 13.

Boozebrain

I am powerless over others. Over this virus. Over what our leaders do and don’t do. I am not powerless, however, over my attitudes. I am not powerless over assuming responsibility for my own recovery. I have the power to exert a positive influence on myself, my loved ones, and the world in which we live.’

AA Daily Reflections

The great Stoics have been saying this for thousands of years. Get clear on what we can and can’t control. Waste no time on that which is out of our control.

Today, I celebrate a dozen nights booze free. Today I can control what I put into my body – be it booze, food, social media, negative thoughts, etc. I can’t control Covid, the weather or the state of the world…but today, I get to choose what I do or don’t put into my body. For now, that will be enough.

Stay healthy and safe all,

Boozebrain