Blessings, affirmations, grace, and reflection

Goodness, I really needed that cry. It was so therapeutic. I needed to release all of those emotions I had holding inside. I feel better this morning, but I have been waking up to headaches. I have a physical therapist appointment after work for my foot. Looking forward to it.   Here's to a great outlook and a phenomenal week ahead.

My birthday doesn't officially begin until 8ish tomorrow morning, but I am feeling so blessed to see another year of life. This year has been a challenge, but I have persevered. I am fighting to survive and I am winning! The confirmation of a clean bill of health was the added inspiration I needed to continue making positive changes. I still have to get my mammogram and GYN examination, but for now I am riding this wave of feeling blessed and healthy. Forty-three is going to be amazing. I just know it! Update: And just as quickly my mood shifted and I suddenly felt so alone and sad. I have been needing a good cleansing cry but haven't been able to do it. I am tired of holding my feelings in. I want to feel again. Numb is so overrated.

There have been many emails, memes, and blog post about what it means to be a Strong Black Woman. Michelle Obama spoke recently about the stereotype of the Angry Black Woman (ABW) but what about the fallacy that we must always be strong? As the product of generations of female headed household, I was raised to be fiercely independent and a SBW. This made me an ABW in the long run. I thought of this when Michelle spoke of being labeled an ABW, but also when I spoke to someone today who told me that her father passed, but she didn't show emotion to her daughters. How the hell do you NOT show emotion when your father dies? It is an unrealistic an unhealthy expectation. Little black girls should NOT be raised to hide their emotions. I know how damaging it was to me. I used to cry at the drop of a hat as a child. They called me sensitive. I was labeled weak. Eventually I learned to hide my emotions. To develop a "poker face." To never "let them see me sweat." I deve...

I started cleaning up tonight. Like a thorough cleaning where I'm pulling stuff out, dusting, throwing things away, and uncovering things I had lost or forgotten. Then I started feeling some kinda way. Now I am sad. I thought cleaning was supposed to make you feel better. Lately I have been so clear about what I want. Perhaps this is the last leg of the journey towards removing the blocks that have been in my way. A year of self-discovery. A year of improving my health - both physical and mental. I just want to be free. Free from fear and bad memories. I want to be to be unconditionally happy. I want to be free to love without restraint. I want to be able to commit to a clean life.