Acceptance

Jan8

Traditionally this is the time of year when some people make resolutions. However, I’m not too sure how many actually do anymore or if that’s a thing of the past.

I didn’t make a resolution, but I did make some decisions in the past couple of days. I decided that I will live my life, without looking over my shoulder.

I am who I am and will be concerned and concentrate on those people in my life who accept me as I am. For quite some time I have wondered how I might change to perhaps be more acceptable to some.

I have spent too much of my energies both physical and emotional wondering how to do this.

But…………………….

I have determined that I need only to accept and be happy with the person God created; flaws and all ………………and be just Me !

Another Year Soon to Pass

Dec31

December 31st, 2025

Just sitting here with rambling thoughts, wondering how I ever got to this place in my life. I suppose one must keep in mind as the years pass,  and you and your husband age.

It cannot be surprising that one will pass on at some point before the other. Those thoughts don’t really register though until at some point they must.  In our case it was my husband who was stricken with a severe disease by the name of Alzheimer’s. When the diagnosis is made it still didn’t sink in to my thoughts, what really was to come. It happens so slowly but one day, I realized the symptoms had become more pronounced.

Memory of course is one of the main symptoms and is easily recognized as it begins to be more frequent. My husband knew that he could not remember words or events that had taken place. It was a learning experience for me also, because I had to not dwell on these things. I had to refrain from pointing out those things. It would serve no purpose to do so, except to most likely upset him.

I needed to devise ways in which he could still feel that he was contributing to our life together.  This was especially necessary in the earlier stages of the disease.  In later stages he would not be aware of those things he could no longer do and so it became less stressful.

Even though I knew the result of having this disease would result in very debilitating ways, with a prognosis I did not wish to dwell on, as time went on the realization became inevitable and one, I could not deny.

While saying that many tears were shed may sound unimportant with the overall depth of this disease, I mention it because to me it was a reality that drained my very soul at times.

If there was any blessing to find, it was that my husband was not really aware of the indignities he would experience. He was in retrospect as a child who needed to be cared for and just loved. That is what helped me cope through the years.

Maybe the reason I am thinking of him and that time, is the fact another year has passed without him, and I am also very aware of my age.  It’s been almost a year and half since his life was cut short, and I miss him so very much.

A new year dawns however, and I will need to find my place in it. I am going to try to find what it is that I should be doing; what it is perhaps that I do not see at this moment, but something that God is instilling in me to find out.

I wish everyone (or anyone that may read this) a wonderful and exciting New Year full of blessings.

Diane

“LOVE AND PEACE”

Nov14

November 13th, 2025

Well, It’s a little over a month till Christmas. Television shows of course are in full force all about the celebrations and plans everyone makes at this time of year.

Of course, the emphasis should rightly be about the babe born on Christmas Eve those many years ago.

It is however that time that family comes together to celebrate. In raising our children, we allowed Santa to be a part of Christmas, but we explained it as Santa Claus loved to give gifts to girls and boys, and so he chose the night Christ was born, to give those gifts and to celebrate his birth. Everyone has their perspective; that was ours’.

The time leading up to and including the holidays, is magical. Love is truly in the air, and we sometimes wish those feelings extended to the rest of the year as well. If we somehow could manage that, just think of the peace and caring about others that would spread. Instead of ignoring those around us, that have needs of one kind or another, we might be more aware and try to help those less fortunate.

The Christmas season can bring heartache to some, instead of joy. Perhaps there has been losses in the family, perhaps some have lost their job, or means of supporting themselves, and their children. Perhaps there have been relationship issues. There are many things that can make the Christmas season very difficult for some.

Maybe it is unrealistic to think that the celebrations and feelings would last all year long. But think about it; just think about it. It may be unrealistic, but it is not impossible! We can care; we can help; we can make a difference. All we need really is to remember who we really celebrate at Christmas, and remember what He gave to us, the gifts of love and peace. If we remember that, everything else can fall into place; and our world would be better!

A photo of my Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and a Creche my husband made when our children were very small. I put it up each year.

Post Script: Since I haven’t blogged very much over the past couple of years, there are changes with WordPress that I’m not too knowledgeable about, so I’m trying just to do the basic…… Diane

PPS I have forgotten how to select the photo to enlarge it. It’s a photo of my little ‘Charlie Brown’ Christmas tree that I now put up. I can’t handle doing a large one anymore, and especially with Wally not here to help. It’s also a creche that my husband made over 50 years ago when the children were quite young…with all that we had that was available at the time… a few pieces of wood and some white and black paint. We bought the figurines. I put it up every year as it gives me ‘years of memories’.

Gift of Freedom

Nov6

There are many things

We seem to remember

Times we want to celebrate

Especially in December

Christmas is a special time

As we go out and buy our gifts

And plan that special day

As long as time permits

There is however another time

That our thoughts should also be

With those who fought in many wars

So very valiantly

Without their courage and bravery

It would be difficult to recall

The many Christmases we’ve shared

And ‘Freedom’ … the richest gift of all !

While as a Christian I realize that the ‘greatest’ gift of all was a child born in a manger, the freedoms that many have in a lot of countries, was indeed a gift given by the men and women who chose and still do, to fight for them. My heart is saddened at the many wars that still exist, and the cruelty and inhumane circumstances that so many are still affected by.

I feel I am sometimes so ‘simple’ minded as I ask myself ‘why’? Why are there wars? My conclusion while not earth-shattering simply feels that it is power and greed. I know it’s not as simple as that, but to what end do these desires really prove; really matter? The loss of empathy, compassion and the love of humankind is something I will never understand!

My prayer for peace will always be a part of me!

For Remembrance Day 2025

Where Has the Time Gone ?

May7

I can’t believe that it’s been so long since posting.

Where has the time gone? I had intentions of blogging more often. Sometimes when I would think to do so, I couldn’t seem to focus on what I would post. The truth I suppose is that even thought it’s been 9 months since my husband passed, it seems like yesterday almost at times.

Losing him of course has been life changing. I am so aware no matter what I’m doing or where I am, that ‘he’ is not with me. I suppose with the winter months and being for the most part house… ‘apt’ bound the aloneness is more keenly felt. I have tried to do some painting, but my heart just isn’t in it. I do some reading but not too much, because my concentration is limited too. So I watch much too much television.

I joined a new church, as I am now moved back to the province we lived in all of our lives. We were only in another province while my husband was in care. I lived with my son for support, but visited my husband each day that was possible. It was shut down once for Covid for three weeks in December of 2023.

Even at church I am aware of being ‘one’. I find it difficult to attend functions even, as I really haven’t met too many people and just can’t seem to mingle too well yet. I remember how he was the outgoing one, and didn’t have trouble in the same way. I did offer to be one of the ‘readers’ during the services as I thought that might help me to become less inhibited.

Next month I will turn 80 which is so hard to believe. I still drive as I still feel comfortable doing so, but when my birthday comes, it will mean I have to go and renew my license. As I understand, it isn’t too intense but never the less I hope it goes well.

I’m hoping now that spring is here and traveling is easier I will be able to visit some family. When I was in the other province and even since moving back, I haven’t seen anyone for quite some time. There is a friend of mine that is coming to visit next week for a few days, so I am quite looking forward to that.

In any case, I realize I have to get on with my life, whatever that entails. I may not know what that is, but I’m sure God does!

Just a Few Thoughts

Jan19

Well, I will be trying to get back into regular posting. I think sometimes if I don’t have something ‘light and positive’ I shouldn’t post. I’m hoping that will come.

Right now I’m still settling in my apartment. It really does still feel weird at my age moving into my own apartment. I can’t afford a retirement residence where you get meals etc. Those places are very very expensive. I used ‘very’ two times, because the apartment I’m in is also much more than what I had hoped to pay also, but my searching just didn’t come up with anything cheaper that met my needs; one of which is having an elevator. Many of the older buildings that were less expensive, just didn’t have elevators and with being 79 and having Multiple Sclerosis causing weakness in legs and arms, and balance issues certainly wasn’t up to ‘walk-ups’.

I’ve met a nice lady that lives on the third floor and she has taken me for a drive a couple of times to see the city and where some of the stores I might want , are located. We’ve been to lunch a couple of times too.

I won’t be able to travel too much in winter because a lot of my family live a couple of hours away, but when the nice weather comes I won’t mind driving that far. I am able though to see my sister and brother who are closer.

I’m still getting used to being ‘one’ instead of two living each day with the various things that need to be done. Even sitting in church I’m aware of my husband not being there alongside of me. It’s something I guess will just take time to adjust to.

Oh, I am going to join Alzheimer’s grief zoom meetings for the next few weeks every Tuesday, to meet others who have lost a loved one to the disease. It will just be a few people at a time, just to share feelings and perhaps help each other through the process. I have to add that the Alzheimer’s organization has been such a help and support during my husband’s illness and even after.

Anyway, I guess that’s it for now.

Diane

Saying Hi….

Dec5

I thought I’d just write a few words. I haven’t been blogging since my husband passed in August. It has been a whirlwind the past few months.

I have moved back to Ontario, where we lived all of our lives except for the two years or so we temporarily went to another province to live with our son, for support during ‘W’s illness. I have an apartment not too far from my sister and brother.

Of course we’re all getting older. In our earlier years we don’t think of that time when we realize we’re more than senior citizens; we’re ‘old’. I have help reminding myself of this as the body lets me know. In June of next year I will officially be an octogenarian. I still drive as I believe I am still competent to do so. If I didn’t have my independence I’m not sure what I’d do. I guess I’ll worry about that when the time comes.

Getting used to doing things on my own and not ‘feeling’ so alone is the challenge right now. Even sitting in church by myself; shopping by myself; and knowing it doesn’t matter when I go to bed or when I get up, because no one knows but me.

I certainly don’t mean to sound pitiful as thousands of people face the same situation as I do. I am not unique. I have years of memories to look back on, and that’s a blessing.

This is Christmas and though it is thought that every ‘first’ something is the hardest to go through, I think it will be whenever I have that moment… that time… when I face the realities of knowing ‘he’ is not here; and I don’t think there is any prediction of those times!

I know that there is only a few that read my blogs anymore, as one has to stay active. But to those who do, please know that acceptance of what ‘is’ I will face.

Most of all I will cherish the memories and thank God not only for those, but for walking along side of us during the journey my husband and I have walked our entire lives, and especially the last few years.

p.s. I hope to get back to blogging on a more regular basis, and catch up with others’ posts.

Just An Update

Aug24

I thought I’d give an update.

My husband ‘W’ passed away last week, August 16th after his battle with Alzheimer’s. He was in palliative care for the last four days, as he was at the point of not being able to eat, because of choking.

Our children came and so he was never alone. I say that but actually I had been in his room, and our daughter and husband had gone to our place to shower, and returned with something to eat. It was within a five minute span of time, until the nurse came to check on him, and appeared at the doorway to say he had passed.

One wonders if somehow he knew and did not want us there, or was it coincidence or perhaps God’s intervention.

Our daughter and husband had driven 2000 miles from Indiana, and they stayed during the night as they didn’t think I could manage that. Our son and his wife came about 1000 miles and stayed until this past Thursday. Our son who I live with had planned before this happened to go to Ontario, but he didn’t leave until the Sunday after his father passed on the Friday.

Because of the family’s logistics we will be having a memorial and celebration of life back where we lived except for the past two years, the end of September. All of our family and long-time friends are there.

I have to say I’m somewhat numb even now. There was so much paperwork needing to be done notifying people of his passing. Our son stayed for a few days and helped me get through a lot of it. I haven’t really processed it all. Even though I knew it would one day come, I haven’t really gotten through the feelings that I know will eventually come to me.

Now there is the planning of his memorial to do, but the children will help with that.

I’m likely going to move back to where we lived most of our lives, if I can find a suitable and affordable apartment. It’s very hard being 79 and for the first time, planning a new start of my own. Actually, I sometimes can’t believe I’m that old; but my body reminds me every now and then.

So a new journey for whatever time the Lord has planned for me begins.

(Diane)

I’M STILL ME ‘BUT’

Jul7

These days I’m trying to remember who I am. One day goes into the next, and sometimes I’m just numb.

When I started blogging it was going to be on any subject, but definitely would be including what depression is like; at least for me. I wanted to encourage others who felt the loneliness and isolation that I felt, to know there is hope and I wanted to let them know they weren’t alone in their thoughts and feelings.

Though not to the same degree, I’m slipping into that place again but trying very hard ‘not’ to go there.

My life since my husband ‘W’ was diagnosed in 2020, and progressed so rapidly with Alzheimer’s, has altered anything I thought these ‘golden’ years would be. It doesn’t help to feel isolated from my family and friends. We moved to a different province in Canada in 2022 to live with our oldest son, for support during my husband’s illness.

While there is support to a certain degree, one cannot expect another person to fill the voids in their life. They can help in certain ways, but cannot be all things. I miss my other children, grand-children, great-grandchildren, and the friends I spent making close relationships in my life. There are phone calls and texts, but it isn’t the same as one on one visits or hugs, or crying the odd time on someone’s shoulder when having a difficult day. Anyone who thinks we don’t need that, in my estimation is rather unique.

So today is one of those days, as you can tell. It is the unknown factor in my life; it is remembering that my husband doesn’t have the luxury of even having memories of those things he doesn’t have anymore. It is seeing him bed-ridden without any knowledge of the situation we’re in. He was my confidant, my friend, the one I made vows with almost now 61 years ago on the 27th of this month to love and to cherish. He is of course still my husband whom I love with my whole heart, but he is also like ‘my child’ whom I will take care of the rest of his life.

It is just everything! Sometimes by writing it helps, so that’s what I’m doing. And with my ever present knowledge that my God loves me, and sees my confusion and sees my tears, I will move forward as life unfolds.

To my blogging friends, thank you for being part of my life.

I Feel Like a Stranger

Jun17

I feel like a stranger now when I come to my blogging site. I used to be able to post about various things, but now it seems my thoughts are so centered on my husband’s illness; Alzheimer’s.

I don’t want it to be as all consuming as it is. I want to write and think about other things. I feel that the unknown aspect of my life is the reason. I can’t believe it sometimes when I think in another week or so I shall be 79 years old. It boggles my mind. While I cannot say it’s happened quickly, the years seem to pass without notice up to a certain age.

When I think of my ‘future’ I do wonder how long my future will be. That sounds so fatalistic, and I do not like to think of it that way. Instead, I’d like to think in whatever years there will be, I will feel energetic, at peace and with a certainty of my life.

‘W’ is in the final stages of the disease and cannot communicate very much at all, nor comprehend what I say. I go each day to visit, not to be a martyr but simply because that’s where I feel I have to be. One cannot know what a person with this disease thinks or knows. We can’t assume that they do not know if anyone visits or not, thereby the thought that what is the use of going if they don’t remember. Simple put, we cannot know what they think and cannot therefor ‘assume’ we do.

I would like to write and think of the beauty in life, the many blessings we have had; how to truly laugh again with meaning. This disease controls those things. Not that I want to let it; not that I don’t at times have a laugh or two; but between those times my heart is heavy. Life as my husband knows it is just repetitive . He is in bed now basically and is very fragile. I go at lunchtime to help him eat. If I was not there the aides would monitor him to make sure he gets something to eat. After he eats I settle him down again as that’s where he’s comfortable. Before I leave I tell him that I’ll see him tomorrow, and I love him, and kiss him goodbye. Though he doesn’t speak or understand very much some days like today, when I told him I love him he replied “I love you more”. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind he’ll say something that must be hidden, but is somehow retrieved once in a while.

I often when thinking of the challenges we have, try to keep it in perspective as far as many others who struggle the same as I do, or to a greater degree. ‘I am not an island unto myself’.

Tomorrow awaits, though I do not know what the future will be. That’s when I have to remember to count on the strength of the Lord, because that’s where it comes from along with His grace to persevere.

Anyone who happens to read this, may God bless and keep you in the palm of His hand xxxxx Diane