I agree with Don Jobson that there indeed was a demon-summoning at the Super Bowl as:
“I myself have been a forty-five year student of the satanically inspired, centuries-old conspiracy to use government, education, and media to destroy every vestige of Christianity within our society and establish a new world order. Having read at least fifty books on the Illuminati, I am convinced that it exists and can be blamed for many of man’s inhumane actions against his fellow man during the past two hundred years.”
It has come to my attention that several mockers have attacked the purity of our Pope of our Truth Wars John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) with libel and slander to them I say repent. Don’t they know that bearing false witness is a sin and that the only way for a Christian to settle a disagreement with an offending person is to contact them in person with 2 or 3 witnesses? The Bible is CLEAR about this.
Where was I—oh yeah I was adding to Don Jobson’s excellent discernmentalization about a most offensive person—Taylor Swift’s friend Ice Spice and her sinisterly satanic and New Agey hand signs. What’s next…pagan mysticism…pornographic divination. Blasphemy! I hope this clears up what’s really going on.
Discernmentalists we’re under attack as always—this time by Taylor Swift who was observed through osmosis at that worldly and sinisterly satanic Super Bowl by our Research Robot Monkeys. Taylor was caught red-handed chugging down beer. Sheer Blasphemy and this is who is supposed to be a role model for our youth. For shame—America’s youth is doomed! My affectionate Uncle and mentor the late Ken Silva who was mentored through listening to Walter Martin’s cassette tapes would be horrified as well as the Pope of our Truth War John MacArthur (P.B.U.H). Nay! I say they need to be more like Martin Luther* and less like beer-drinking Taylor Swift and her potty-mouthed boyfriend.
Observe all the doctrines of grace I taught you—Sola Scriptura,
Dr. I. Todyaso, Pastor-Teacher to the True Remnant
*- “You should rightly be called lawyers for asses.”—From On the Councils and the Church, pg. 158 of Luther’s Works, Vol. 41
Chastity Beltz (Pictured) protesting natural bodily functions
Church Busybody and all-around Know Nothing; Chastity Beltz, founder of the Right to Insemination is at it again—this time campaigning for further restrictions of rights pertaining to the natural functions of the human body. Her list of demands includes:
Making female menstruation illegal (unfertilized eggs is genocide—young ladies are killing innocent unborn life) the Bible gives legal precedence to imprisoning menstruators Lev. 15: 19
Making nocturnal emissions illegal (thou shall not spill thy seed— every day millions of unborn lives are murdered each night when young men have wet dreams)
Making it illegal for not just premarital couples but the old and infertile couples as well to have sex (sex is for procreation only not pleasure—the Bible is CLEAR on this: Gen. 1: 28) Infertile couples are murdering innocent unborn lives by not being fertile and post-menopausal women are violating the CLEAR TEACHING of the WHOLE BIBLE: Be fruitful and multiply as already stated sex is for procreators, not self-pleasurers
Time will tell if any of her demands are met by the Theocratic Court of America.
Elsewhere El Sandi has discernmentalized that Muslims can’t be trusted and will never blend in with our American bible-believing values. Eric Barger of Take A Stand agrees as do we as:
Far from spreading Sharia, as Islamophobes have suggested, America’s Muslim clerics are focusing on a more familiar trend: youngsters blending into American life. We’d like to thank El Sandi and Take A Stand for their hard job of pure researchmentalism.
Only $39.95. Available now from fine Discernmentalist Bookstores everywhere. Act now and get a free set of steak knives and for an additional $10 Truthslayer will throw in a tin foil hat as a bonus gift to you!!!! Limited quantities of tin foil hats available—-limit 3 per customer—order soon before they’re gone.
Through in depth research Christian Research Network “was asked if I had some information which would help him in exposing the grave theological errors in Bell’s nearly pelagian quasi-universalism since they are now recommending Bell as well.”
We at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia are not sure exactly what “nearly pelagian quasi-universalism” is but it sure sounds icky, dangerous and bad-boy!
‘Nearly pelagian’….very close but not quite! So we do not want to support anything that quite fuzzy…. That is why we stand against faux fur in case it is not Bible based.
The Online Discernmentalist Mafia saw it coming from a mile away. We discern what others merely dream of. Despite our advanced technologies used in discernmentalism Apprising Ministries has come up with a very far reaching technological advancement to discernmentalism. Apprising Ministries without much fanfare, shunning worldly media such as Christianity Today, announced the invention of DIRT. It is an acronym for Direct Interpretation Revelation and Translation. Apprising Ministries was quoted as saying “We have the most direct revelation yet…..our revelatory insights into revelation are so far reaching that by using DIRT we can look into the bible and SEE the backs of our heads at the same time.”
Other discernmentalist ministries such as Eric Barger’s Take a Stand and Slice of Laodicea were quoted as saying “Now apostate emergent types have no place to hide, in addition fact Rick Warren will be shown to be the disingenuous heretical maniacal and diabolical false church teacher that he is and exposed for all the world to see.” Take A Stand Ministries suggested “We can use DIRT to show that George Bush did indeed have weapons of mass deception, I mean destruction and revise history as we see fit!”
We at the Online Discernmentalist Mafia fully support DIRT and historical revisionism as well if it will suit our needs. Stop thinking and let us do it for you!
Name Withheld has openly assaulted Discernmentalists as he has stated: “Instead of fretting over a non-issue how about being concerned with the wrath of God.” Name Withheld should know better than that as a fellow Discernmentalist—he should already know that in order to show God’s wrath and expose our Doctrine to all we must fret over every little thing. Clearly Satan is hiding around the corner and in every minuscule little thing that we personally disapprove of. We must make an issue out of every “non-issue” and make non-essentials essential as that’s the very heart of the Gospel of Discernmentalism.
And making mountains out of molehills is our specialty as Deborah of Discerning The World (DTW) has passed this spiritual gift of worldly attack and circular arguments on to us which we have far since surpassed her in our “special” gifted-ness and self-righteous anointing.
Many well-known and greatly esteemed preachers and teachers have absolutely no qualms whatsoever about their association with some of the weirdest, worst and most dangerous false prophets in these last days’ of exponential apostasy. Here are a few well-documented examples.
STEPHAN JOUBERT: In cahoots with Leonard Sweet, Rob Bell, Ron Martoia, Johan Geyser, Trevor Hudson, Nelus Niemandt, Eugene Peterson and Jan van der Watt, to name but a few.
JOHAN GEYSER: In cahoots with Stephan Joubert, Thomas Keating, Leonard Sweet, Rob Bell, Ron Martoia, Trevor Hudson, Thomas Merton and other false teachers in the mystically engineered Emergent Church, to name but a few.
TREVOR HUDSON: In cahoots with Stephan Joubert, Johan Geyser, Theo Geyser (who manages to see Jesus in a sangoma/witch doctor without the help of his glasses), Thomas Keating (who in turn is in cahoots with the integral guru, Ken Wilber), Ron Matroia and Rob Bell, to name but a few.
Obviously Name Withheld is lacking a steady diet of good Truth Warrior Worrier Discernment ministries like ours and Discerning The World (DTW)‘s. One word of warning to Name Withheld: “hell is real; hell is hot”—so either get in line; take a stand and get right with us first or else.
Once again setting our high standard over everyone so get over it,
Don Jobson
Update: Name Withheld continues his attack—defends Spurgeon against Deborah and our CLEAR Teachings.
I firmly believe that “guilt by association” (as known as the Doctrine of Godly Separation) is a Biblical concept found throughout both the Old and New Testaments, and anyone who says otherwise needs to read their Bible. However, guilt-by-association cannot be applied ad infinitum. …The late Ken Silva’s Apprising Ministries, who recommended…Justin Peters (but not) John MacArthur… Justin Peters is bad for (not) recommending John MacArthur, (but instead is) recommending Albert Mohler, who is bad for recommending (ostensibly) Rick Warren.
Everyone knows that Ken would never under any circumstances recommend Purpose-Driven Heretic Rick Warren even by guilt of association as the late Ken Silva (blessed be his memory) passed on his Clear Teachings to us which are the same as our Clear Teachings. Also Ken himself in his glorious missives taught us to use guilt by association ad infinitum and an attack on Ken’s Clear Teachings is an attack on the Clear Teachings of our Pure Doctrines of our Pope of the Truth War (PBUH) and therefore an attack on us personally. Also everyone knows that John MacArthur (PBUH) is the only True living Teacher of God’s Word who said this about Baptism which is consistent with our Clear Teachings on Baptism so he would never violate the Purity of our Doctrine of Godly Separation and associate with an infant sprinkling heretic:
We understand what believer’s baptism is from Scripture.
But there’s a world of people who don’t get it, who don’t understand it. And there are people who don’t know that it is important and who don’t think the methodology is important, or even the time when a person is baptized. There are folks who are just plain confused about baptism, what is its method, and what is its meaning, and in particular, what about the baptizing of infants, which is how you get a world full of non-Christians who have been baptized as infants.
Infant baptism is not baptism…it’s not New Testament baptism. This may surprise you, it’s nothing, it’s totally meaningless. Well you might have got emotional when you took your little child in there ‘cause you love your little child and you hope the best for him, or her. But as far as the spiritual condition of that child, it had absolutely no effect whatsoever. Infant baptism is not in the Bible, it is not New Testament baptism. And this is an uncontestable fact because when you do go in to the Bible in the New Testament and you talk about baptism and you study baptism, it is absolutely crystal clear what baptism is. The only people who are ever baptized in the New Testament are people who have come to faith in Christ. And baptism is always immersing them in water, it is never sprinkling water on their heads from a tiny little fountain.
And as everyone knows no True Truth Warrior would do anything that is not contained in the Bible as we are all Conservative Bible-believing folks—and all Bible-believers everywhere agree with JMac’s Truth (PBUI) otherwise they are enemies of our Truth in the Truth War. Quote: “Obedience simply means to submit to what the Lord says, do what He tells you. And what He tells you is revealed in Scripture.” This is why we ODMs always have to hide out in our Truth Bunker to keep our fragile Hard Doctrines which always need protecting purified and safe from all manners of sinfully ecumenical worldliness and hereticalness—in fact we hide out in separate rooms in our bunker to perfect the purity of our Pure Doctrine of separation as well. Also we may only be a congregation of 3 separate people with an occasional 4th or 5th member but that just proves how much purer our Doctrine of separation is than anyone else’s as we follow the late Ken Silva’s Church Growth model of Ecumenical jihaddividing the church.
You cannot underestimate the inability of most Christians to perceive the dangers around them. Again, being discernmentalizing is not about being psychic. (Unless of course you’re like us and have Bible-osmosis). Most discernmentmentalism is just about paying attention to your spiritual surroundings. Most people just will not stop and notice. Go to the shopping mall and watch people. Most people are walking around completely oblivious to the dangers around them, walking from Victoria’s Secret to Spencer’s Gifts without looking up from their Angry Birds app. And if you look long enough, you’ll see somebody else watching people – that’s the discernmentalizing guy. As paranoid as it may be, I’ve always been the type of guy to sit with my back to the wall at a restaurant or watching the hands of the guy in front of me at the convenience store. I’m cognizant of the vehicles that go down my street and have a mental note of the makes and models of all the vehicles on my block in case something is out of place. Most people are simply not that way, and that goes for Christians in the spiritual realm.
You cannot underestimate the inability of most Christians to be students of history – ancient or near history.Ronald Reagan reportedly said, “For liberals, history began when they were born.” For many Christians, that’s probably too optimistic; for many, history began this morning. Another apocalypse date? Really? Again?! And yet, Christians are falling for this. Another omen interpretation? For crying out loud. Rick Warren again insinuates an altogether different cult from last time are his spiritual brothers and you think he just is inarticulate…again. For realsies? Osteenagain plays the “I don’t know” card when he’s asked about the exclusivity of Christ? The fact is, most Christians aren’t keeping track of this stuff. They don’t read the news. The first time a sheep “accidentally” bumps off a fellow sheep maybe they’re just clumsy. The second time, it’s bizarre. But the third time that sheep rolls in with mutton between his teeth and lamb’s blood on his chin and you might just have a wolf.
Discernmentalism is a spiritual gift, and should be fostered and promoted as essential to the local and universal church. The reason for unity in the discernment community is that discernment really is a Spirit-led (Hebrews 5:14). The same Spirit that guides the Presbyterians (but not the Lutherans) is the same spirit that leads the Reformed Baptists. We may don’t have different hermeneutics or interpretative presuppositions that allows us to land in different Confessions as our discernmentalist spidey senses all tingle when a wolf draws near.
No matter how many times you’re right, you’re a H8r. No one (well, hardly no one) will come to you and say, “Okay. You were right. Sorry for calling you a H8r.” No, it’s “Lucky guess, but you’re still a H8r.” If you’re in this business for the public accolades, you’ll be sorely disappointed.
Before you get all bent out of shape, please realize this is a satire site spoofing the so-called "discernment ministries" who deem themselves more worthy of Grace than the rest of us. So read and have fun! BTW, we are not against "good" discernment ministries that do actual real research and extend grace to others, only the bad ones.
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