Freedom

I have taken a break for a week or so from blogging to collect not only my thoughts but myself. I have been experiencing episodes of what I like to call paralyzing depression. Now, before you imagine me in a dark room listening to Morrissey, weeping; let me stop you. Depression manifests itself differently to different people but even more so in men than in women. You have to realize that the basis or symptoms for what they diagnosis depression with are based off of symptoms that were historically more prevalent in females. That is one reason women are diagnosed with depression more often than men.

I think I have experienced feelings of depression since about middle school into adulthood. It was difficult at that time to determine if it was hormones, family dynamics or actual mental health issues. This is when I first started experiencing insomnia. I would listen to the radio on low volume so that I didn’t disturb my parents. I also started to keep a journal. What else are you going to do in the middle of the night. During this time I did discover “Jazz After Hours” on Saturday evenings on NPR, so it did have its benefits.

I was able to function. I even played soccer on the highschool team. I think my “feelings of depression” manifested themselves as anger. I used the soccer field as an opportunity to slide tackle the crap out of an opposing player.  I had a coping mechanism. Exercise kept it in check for the most part. When I went to college for the first time, I didn’t have that coping mechanism available. I had no friends and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I didn’t connect well with others and still struggle with that even now.  And instead of a decreased or non existent libido, I would say mine increased.  I had trouble making decisions especially with what I wanted to do with my life.  I will say I worked. My jobs were my new way of coping. I didn’t really cope, I just found new ways to cover the feelings I was experiencing. Parents worry about their children using drugs, getting into gangs, etc, but don’t give much thought to the countless songs, movies, and tv shows that deal with love and heart ache. I think I became a little “love sick” about past relationships that did not work out.

It was not until this month that I sought help. I did not really need psycotherapy since I work in the field and knew “what to do.” It was the disconnect of knowing what to do and actually doing it that motivated me. I found myself in a job that makes me miserable, a city that day by day I dislike more, and a feeling of not know who the heck I was anymore. So, I got some medication. I am not saying medication is a miracle cure and think way too many children are medicated, but it seems to help me. I do not have the days of sitting in my apartment, not wanting to go to my job and fearing when the phone would ring or when I would check my work email.

I still don’t like my job, but at least I know I don’t like it with a clear head.