Category Archives: pregnancy #2

Survived Columbus Day

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Friends, I survived my first federal holiday alone with 3 kids.

Loading the car all three were crying and I literally said I CAN’T BELIEVE ALL THREE OF YOU ARE CRYING RIGHT NOW and then left them in the car for a second to run in adn get my phone I had forgotten.  It was a huge ordeal getting everyone out of the house for some reason even though I do it for school without this ordeal.  I think it was the change in routine, and I had let them sleep in, and had a lazy breakfast, and so on.

The morning was good meeting up with friends and going on a hike and a picnic.  Then I guess we stayed too long because after our friends left, Apple fell off a rock and scraped his elbow and the whole thing turned to sh*t.  I only have two arms, I ended up with a dirty baby (had to put her down in the dirt to pick up my big boy who was scared and crying, I had been wearing Smushy in the carrier and nursing her when he fell so no time to put her back in, ugh).  Banana faking injuries to get attention.  So much crying.  The longest walk back to the car ever, everyone’s “shoes are tired”.

Thank GD they napped for almost 2hours in the car in the driveway.  But while they napped, could I sleep?  No, because Smushy was awake and would not let me leave her anywhere.  Then Banana woke up and I brought her inside to pee, and then Smushy fell asleep, then Apple woke up in a terrible mood.  Then a movie on the couch, and scrambling to heat up leftovers for dinner, and Smushy’s nose keeping her up CLUSTER FEEDING until almost midnight , and then she’s up most of the night, and I am tired tired tired.

I should be napping, I told myself I would give myself 7 minutes to write a blog post and then jump on the couch.  She was asleep after school drop off this morning but I thought she was going to wake up, she had been grunting, so I drank a whole glass of tea, and then she didn’t wake up and I couldn’t sleep.  So I actually kind of woke her up.  Now she’s back to sleep, I don’t know for how long, so it’s nap time for me.

Going to try to give her a bottle tonight.  She’s rejecting pacifiers but we haven’t tried SUPER hard yet.  I’m worried I put it off too long.  I didn’t want to give her pacifiers or bottles while we had help living with us because I didn’t want to let anyone else feed or soothe her.  But now she’s almost 7 weeks (!!) and hasn’t had any synthetic nipples yet, might be too late, please please please let it not be too late.  I don’t need her to get a bottle regularly but I would like it when she is sleeping through the night for our babysitter to be able to give her a bottle and put her to bed so we can go out earlier and have dinner and whatever.  Like we are going to do this Saturday night (but have to bring Smushy with us).

Okay time for a nap.

Hello girlie

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This morning I took a few final pictures of myself and my belly.

  
We got to the hospital and the whole thing was so weird. I still kind of hoped I was going into labor but I wasn’t. Haha. I thought maybe at the last second…?!

Any time anyone mentioned I was going to go back and have a baby I started almost crying. So freaking hormonal.

They took me back and I was shaking. They hadn’t given me any drugs yet I was just so scared and nervous I was trembling all over. They still were able to do the spine thing holy shit that was unpleasant. I forgot about that part, or maybe last time I was having contractions. 

The surgery went well, the doctor I ended up with is a member of our larger Jewish community and we have friends in common and there was lots of chatting. Then out came baby…!

  
Her head is covered in long black hair! I can’t believe it!

And the doctor told me it’s a good thing I didn’t go into labor. She was almost 9lb, she was in a bad position, and even if she got her enormous head through her shoulders were tough even during a c-section. This is all because of diabetes. Well not the bad position – she was facing sideways and it would have been really hard for her head to properly descend. So likely I would have ended up with a section anyway but after a long and painful labor.

I was able to start nursing less than an hour after she was born. She came out hungry and with a pretty good latch. A little shallow apparently but pretty good.

Her blood sugar was too low and they had to supplement with a little formula to bring it up. Then she started getting kind of cold so they took her to the nursery for more formula and a heat lamp. I was nervous but I really tried to trust the nurse, who wanted me to succeed at this breastfeeding but ultimately wanted to keep baby out of the NICU, which meant a little formula and a heat lamp.

She came back to me and continued nursing and her sugars seems to have stabilized. I’m hoping they stay that way overnight so they can stop poking her and no more NICU threat…

I’ve spent the whole day skin to skin and it has been lovely. I wasn’t really able to do this last time. 

My parents came to visit and it was much nicer than last time too. And tomorrow the kids want to come visit and meet the baby.

So all in all an excellent first day of baby’s life. We just need to figure out a name and when to do the naming ceremony so we can call her something other than baby 🙂

Still a little drugged up and typing on my phone so this is about as coherent as it gets…

My last pregnant day

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I was trying to think of something wonderful to do with the kids on my last day as a mom of 2.

We went to the grocery store.

Because what pregnant lady about to leave her family for 4-5 days would be able to go without making sure the pantry wasn’t stocked for the apocalypse.  I realized we didn’t have enough tortillas or granola bars or peanut butter and it became an emergency to go to the grocery store.

It was a nice trip to the grocery store, though, I had to buy two of everything because they each wanted to hold things.  I let Banana choose a pasta and ended up with two boxes.  We got two enormous jars of peanut butter.  We got two packages of tortillas.  We got a whole bunch of the right kind of cheese.  Several loaves of bread.  My children will not starve while I am gone.

Then we came home and watched episodes of Da.niel T.i.ger about having a new baby.  And I had to hug Apple a lot because he was kind of scared.  And I also fell asleep sitting up because DT is pretty effing boring and I am 100% pregnant. And then after lunch we watched movies of them when they were babies.

Then the babysitter came, and I went to the hospital to do my pre-admission blood work and consent forms.

And how bizarre is it to walk in and talk about tomorrow as if I am just having some random procedure, like maybe my tonsils will be taken out once and for all, or whatever.

It all feels so weird.  I came home and my parents were here in the back yard with the kids and the babysitter.  They drove up to be here for the week while I am in the hospital.  It’s all very planned.  I’m leaving them itineraries and activities and suggestions for places to take the kids.

I went upstairs and cried.

It’s all so weird I can’t believe this is happening.  I can’t believe it in a good way and also a scary way.

And saying good-night to the kids, I usually sit in their room for a few minutes silently and wait for them to calm down, I have them lie in their beds in the dark and I reach out with both hands and rub their backs and help them calm down and get ready for sleep.  And Banana was asking for extra back rubs with a song and I was like UGH THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.  But I did it – even knowing that it could backfire because toddlers are the ultimate lawyers and once you set a precedent it takes forever to undo – because I don’t know how much time I am going to have to sit in their room for bedtime after the baby gets here.  Can I sit there for 10 minutes every night just rubbing their backs, not thinking about anything else, being able to be really present for them?

Today I blew Apple’s mind because we were talking about the baby coming home and he said “and the baby’s mommy will come home too” and I said “I am going to be the baby’s mommy” and his little jaw dropped.  Like somehow he understands that he shares me with Banana but didn’t realize that he was going to share me with this new baby, too.  I guess I hadn’t made that very clear … I told them the baby was going to come home and live with us, and we made the baby’s room, and have spent some time in there, but I guess he didn’t realize that I was going to be the baby’s mommy too.

I’ve cried a bunch of times this week.  I’m scared, so scared, of life after the baby.  I don’t know what it will be like.  I’m just scared of the unknown.  I’m scared of bad recovery.  I’m scared of the kids flipping their lids.  I’m scared of pain and being incapacitated when usually I do so much.  I’m scared of being totally out of control when it feels like so much depends on me being in control.

I took a picture this morning of my last insulin injection, hopefully forever.  Hopefully I will not go on to develop Type 2.  Hopefully I can say good bye to self poking and testing and carb counting.  I gave away all my precious blueberries to Banana, blueberries I painstakingly counted out every morning to be my official carb in my yogurt.  Because I am fasting tomorrow morning I don’t need my blueberries.  Because I will be gone for 4-5 days I won’t need my breakfast materials at all.  Grocery shopping was weird because I didn’t plan for myself, I will be absent from my family’s life for the rest of the week… sort of.

It’s weird to know this is my last pregnant day, my last pregnant night, my last time counting carbs and weighing my snacks. Last time I didn’t know.  This time I know.  And knowing feels weird and wrong.  Maybe I’ll go into labor tonight anyway.

This might be my last pregnant day forever.  I don’t know if we will want more kids and I don’t know even if we wanted more kids if we would be lucky enough to get pregnant again.  So this might be it.  The end of being pregnant.  Of this chapter of my reproductive life.  So weird to have this knowledge.  I feel like I shouldn’t know this, shouldn’t be this much in control of birth.

Tomorrow morning at 7:30am I’ll be in an operating room, Gd willing no delays or anything weird or bad happening.  Soon after that I hope to meet this baby.  I still can’t believe it’s happening.  It feels like yesterday I was squinting at those peesticks.  So surreal.

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I’m in a weird place where I am so grateful for having made it this far, and my blood sugar is now so good I barely need insulin so I feel relatively confident I don’t have to worry about baby’s sugar dropping at delivery, and all of that.  But at the same time, I am having to come to accept that I am having a repeat C.

I spent the entire pregnancy believing with all my heart I was going to go early.  You all know that because you have been here with me.  Every single day I have believed I would go into labor on my own like last time.  I hoped I would make it closer to full term but I did not doubt that it would happen.

Yet here we are, 3 days away from my c-section.

I woke up this morning and cried, not because I wasn’t so grateful to be feeling baby hiccup and jiggle, because obviously I am so thankful that my family is growing and my baby is healthy and Gd willing by the end of the week we will be a family of 5, bigger than I thought possible at the beginning of this journey.

I cried because my birth experience last time was so hard.  And I am scared of it happening again.  Of the long painful recovery.  Of the difficulties breastfeeding.  Of the feeling that I didn’t give birth to my own child but rather sat passively while she was taken from my body (like a falafel from a pita, that is literally the image that came to mind during surgery haha).

I cried because a part of me believed somewhere that the hormones from birth would fix these problems, would make it easier to bond with my baby (had a REALLY hard time with this last time), would make breastfeeding easier, would give baby some healthy bacteria and a good squeeze on the way out to help her lungs so she won’t be taken away from me and sent to the NICU like last time.

I’m scared of people taking my baby away from me again, both at the hospital and at home.  With twins, someone is always trying to “help” by taking your babies away.  People think they’re being helpful by taking your baby.  I had to fight to keep babies with me.  I’m worried about people doing this to me again.

So there’s a little PTSD going on maybe.

I just kind of envisioned a totally different birth creating a totally different postpartum experience and maybe that wouldn’t be true.  I’m at a different hospital that seems so family- and breastfeeding-friendly, and everyone raves about the nurses and the postpartum care.  So maybe that will make a huge difference.

But the fact is I am scared.  My postpartum experience was hard and scary and not very good at all.

And on top of that I feel really silly for believing I would go early and for telling everyone and for being on labor watch as early as July.  Kind of embarrassed but mostly just silly.

Last time I spent a few weeks coming to terms with what would be my birth experience and I came to accept it was going to be c-section for reasons out of my control.  And I knew that this time it would likely happen again.  Especially when I got the GD diagnosis, I knew my chances of c-section were high.  But I still hoped hoped hoped I would go into labor.  And I know I have 3 days but it’s really not likely.  And even if I go into labor I am not guaranteed to have a VBAC.  But I guess at least I could try.

At the same time I didn’t do any of the things that people do to try to go into labor early.  But I am scared of those things, too.  And I really believed it would happen by itself.

So there we are.  A very orderly birth experience, my parents come up Tuesday evening, Wednesday morning I wake up early and calmly go to the hospital and sign up to have a baby taken out of my body…

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This past week I have really begun to get physically uncomfortable and also a lot more hormonal.  Until recently I have felt pretty fine, physically.  But the swelling in my fingers and toes is reaching new heights.  My heat tolerance is reaching new lows.  I was at the playground and it was a beautiful, low-humidity 82 degree afternoon and I was melting.  I am the person who doesn’t wear shorts until it’s 80 out, who isn’t hot until 90.  Melting at 82.  So much bulk, so much hormones.

I’ve also been uncontrollably falling asleep every day sitting up.  I put on a movie for the kids around lunch time, either before or after, and sleep for 30-40min sitting up on the couch.  My kids are so good they just sit with me and don’t even wake me up.  I feel so lucky to have two almost-3-year-olds who I am not worried will destroy the house if I fall asleep.

And now here I am crying ridiculously on a beautiful Sunday morning while Mr Brightside reads to them on the couch.  Filled with too many conflicting emotions… fear and excitement and fear fear fear.

Last Shabbat family of 4!

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Well here it is, our last Shabbat as a family of 4.  The baby is coming sometime between now and next Wednesday morning so this is it!

The kids and I made challah this morning and I put chocolate chips on top as a special thing to have because we have been having some potty training success (THANK GD) and we are celebrating.  But also they don’t know this is our last family of 4 Shabbat, but I do, and I am feeling somewhat wistful about it.

At the same time I am hoping labor will start any second but you know.

I even made some eggplant parm that legend has it is supposed to start labor, I had it for dinner last night and lunch today.  No luck but it is delicious.  Like so delicious I can’t believe I made it.  Haha!  I was also hoping for thunderstorms to be on my side but the forecast was wrong and nothing happened, sunny and warm all day.

I took off my beloved bella band that I have been wearing daily since 28 weeks.  My lower back is hurting but I don’t know if that is impending labor (doubtful) or newly experiencing the pressure from my belly (likely).  I just thought maybe I should let gravity help pull things down right?

Otherwise I’m not really doing anything to make labor start.  I thought I would do all the things, but I’m not going to.  I’ve read online most of them are just heresay, do they actually work, who knows.  It is more to make you feel in control.  So many people have suggested castor oil but no thanks.  I don’t want to start out that way.

The thing is I’ve already had one c-section.  Maybe if I were looking at facing my first c-section I would feel more desperate to get things moving.  But I am worried that doing anything drastic will be dangerous (like they don’t want to induce me because it’s dangerous), and also it just doesn’t seem worth it.  Either my body will cooperate or it won’t.

I guess I’m not so passionate about the VBAC.  I did cry a little after my last appointment where nothing had changed and we rescheduled for Wednesday and it didn’t look hopeful for me going into labor on my own.  She said, well you are having contractions!  Yes, but I’ve been having them for over a month now.  My uterus is nice and strong, she has been working out basically constantly for weeks.

I want to do the VBAC but I also don’t want to spend the rest of my pregnancy miserable trying all the horrible things people try to go into labor.

I want to enjoy what is certainly our last weekend alone as a family of 4.  Starting …. now.

11th hour name change …

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6 (or 7) days to go and suddenly the name we had picked out does NOT feel right.

AHH!

Now we are scouring lists again.  This morning we came up with a beautiful combination of names, and I was like GREAT. SETTLED. PHEW.

Then I realized what the initials would be.

A.S.S.

OYOYOYOYOY.

So obviously that name doesn’t work.

Back to the drawing boards.

Can we keep the first name?  Maybe.  Friends of ours have a kid with that name.  They live in another city and we see them at most once a year.  But they are also sensitive and we don’t want to offend them.  But we also love that name.  Also we have another name in common, though for us it is a middle name and for them it is a first name.  (I’m afraid someone I know reading this will figure out the name but if you do please keep it to yourself!!)

Then I’m like, why not the first combo?  M.S.S.  Or why not a different middle name?  Or what?

I can’t even come up with a nickname for this baby on my blog.

In so many ways I feel disconnected from her even though she has been in my body for so much longer than I expected her to be.  I don’t have a good sense of her personality at all.

On Monday at my NST the nurse said that I have such a happy baby.  During contractions, when most babies’ movements dip, mine goes nuts.  She must love to be squeezed, she is such a happy baby.  Really?  My impression is she is irritated and feeling claustrophobic and wants out and doesn’t like when the walls squish her like that.  But maybe she is happy.  Maybe she is snug like a bug in a rug, and readjusting, and smushing herself around to get comfy.  She does sleep for long periods and is hard to wake up.

I don’t know.  I don’t know this baby at all.  I can’t find a good name.  I want someone to come to me in a dream and give me a name.

If we keep the name we came up with this morning then we can name her after two grandmothers.  If we go back to our original name we could name her after three grandfathers.  Except that I wasn’t in any way close with my grandfathers and would rather name her after my grandmother, but my cousin also just had a baby last year and named her after grandma.

Today at the playground I heard a mom using our name for her older girl.  And her younger son she used my favorite boy’s name that we couldn’t use for Apple because there was someone who was terminally ill with that name alive at the time and it would have been morbid.  So basically those two names could have been ours, could have been me calling out to those kids (who look nothing like me, haha).  And I was like hm, I don’t know, I like our names better.  Maybe we shouldn’t use that name….

We can bring some names to the hospital and decide, we have 24 hours after birth to do the birth certificate.  We could see what she looks like.  i feel like that’s what we’re going to end up doing.  Just don’t want to end up with A.S.S.  (If we had had the baby this morning before I had that random conversation with a friend, those would have been her initials ahhh)

Choosing someone’s birthday

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One of the weirdest things I’m doing right now is choosing my daughter’s birthday.

I’ve basically decided I’m never going into labor and we’ll end up with a repeat section.  ….Fine.

When I kind of pushed my OB into letting me schedule it in advance I was going to let it be up to Fate, aka the hospital scheduling administrator, to pick a birthday for my daughter.  I had one date in mind that I did NOT want, and otherwise I was fine with end of August.

Obviously that is the date that my OB is scheduled for surgery.  Sigh.

So I am scheduled for a section on the one day out of the last 10 days of August that I didn’t want.

I’ve been thinking about it for the past several weeks and as we get closer to the date the more I do NOT want to have surgery on that day.  I don’t know why.  Just my intuition tells me that is the wrong day.  The day after feels better.  It’s just 24 hours’ difference.  But that day is wrong.

I really am pretty into astrology, or at least I used to be, and tarot and stuff.  I purposefully do not do tarot readings during pregnancy or on Shabbat or Jewish holidays, though.  Something about that feels very wrong.  So I am not consulting the cards or anything, haha.  And the difference in dates wouldn’t change her astrological sign (unless she is born in the next few days she is going to be a Virgo just like my other two, so many many Virgos when I was hoping for a Leo this time!).

But it still feels like the wrong day.

Luckily my OB was like, we scheduled it for that day but honestly we can push it off.  She’s not worried about my GD.  She says baby looks fine and my numbers are good so there’s no reason to be in such a rush.  So I really don’t think it will be a problem pushing it off a day or even 3 if I want (the next day I would be comfortable with is 2 days later, though the day in between is fine and doesn’t freak me out I think I would want one of those two other days).

Hopefully she will pick her own day.  Hopefully I am dilating.  I only had two small contractions during my NST yesterday.  Last night though I started having some big ones, but they were still BH contractions, just big and clustering (randomly).

But no, pretty sure we’re having a repeat section.  Ironic because I was SO WORRIED.  But now I am tired of being worried about that, and have instead focused on worrying about choosing the right day.  I guess because before I was convinced I wouldn’t make it to that day anyway it wouldn’t matter, but now we’re getting closer and no natural end is in sight.

How do you choose someone’s birthday?!?!  I hope she picks her own!!!!

38

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38 weeks and now I’m convinced baby is NEVER COMING OUT.

I feel overdue but I am not, obviously.  Someone asked me “how many days past your due date are you?” and I’m like WELL… technically I still have 2 weeks until my due date.  BUT I FEEL OVERDUE.

Maybe because last time I delivered at 34 weeks I feel a month overdue.

And also because of that freakout at 34 weeks I have been feeling for a month like baby is coming ANY MINUTE and have been in panic mode and it is getting exhausting to be in panic mode.

I measured my belly last night and I am measuring as big or bigger than I was when I was 34w with Apple & Banana, the day before I gave birth.  So I feel like doesn’t that mean I am stretched to maximum capacity?

I was convinced on Thursday I had my bloody show.  I had pink tinged discharge and found out in the morning I was dilating and contracting.  So I was like okay baby is definitely coming this weekend.  And I’ve spent every minute this weekend worried I was going into labor and waiting for signs and symptoms.

I’m exhausted of it.

Also the kids are having another really bad potty training day and I am exhausted of that too.

Like, we planned to go out to lunch and then go to the children’s museum.  I brought two pairs of undies each and one pair of shorts each.  10 minutes after we arrive at the restaurant, Banana has peed her pants (for the 2nd? 3rd? time today).  Then she peed later in the car, is now wearing her last undies and Apple’s shorts.  Then at the museum, Apple pooped in his pants twice.  At this point I left the kids with my husband and in-laws and went 10min down the road to a store and bought some undies and shorts because I wasn’t sure we would get home without someone being naked.  And before we left Apple was wearing new shorts and undies.  SIGH.  I HATE POTTY TRAINING SO MUCH.

I’ve started to get some swelling, especially in my toes in the evening.  Right now my feet are up and they still feel like sausages.

I’m constantly scolding the kids, especially Banana.  CONSTANTLY.  I hate it.  But I feel like she is pushing limits in every direction and I want to keep her contained.  I could do an art piece about her and she is really going out in every way and I am trying to hold her in, because I’m worried that if she goes all out she will explode.  She is very demanding and very high maintenance but she is sweet and lovely and caring and kind.  But she is sweet and lovely and caring and kind when she is contained, so I’m always correcting and unfortunately that also means scolding.  My job isn’t to be her friend or her favorite person, it’s to help her grow into the best possible version of herself, and I see that when I am on her and correcting her she is really the best she can be – independent, bright, smart, friendly, caring … and when I slip, when I get lazy, when I stop bothering to deal with it, she becomes whiny and angry and can even be aggressive.

I feel like it’s unfair because I don’t scold Apple as much, but he doesn’t push as much.  When he is whiny he’s usually tired or hungry or feels out of control of the situation and it’s not as hard to get him to go with the program.  He doesn’t get aggressive and angry in the same way, he is easier for me to manage.

Anyway.

Summer camp is over and now there 3.5 weeks until school starts.  The kids will be home with me full time until then.  I hope we all survive.  I have a babysitter coming in the afternoons to help entertain them and also so I can get out and do things if I have to.  And sometime in the next 10-ish days, the baby will be here, and then Mr Brightside will be home for 2 weeks paternity, and maybe some grandparents or something.  And then SCHOOL 5x/week.

I’m so tired. So tired so tired so tired.  And feeling overdue before my time and swollen and so so hot.  Tomorrow I have another nonstress test so hopefully I’ll learn something exciting… or else just continue to wait …

Things are rolling!!!

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This week I have been doing a lot of walking, not crazy long walks but like, grocery store / farmer’s markets / etc and walking for an hour.  This is really the ONLY thing I’ve actually done to help move things along, because pr.imro.se oil actually freaks me out (I was looking it up online and there aren’t many studies on it, and the one study conducted showed it is possibly correlated with arrested descent, long painful contractions, and use of forceps and complications and eeek). And I just haven’t gotten around to the tea, which also has not been well studied but the studies done show it’s harmless at worst.

Last night baby was doing some crazy stuff in my belly and I couldn’t even sit up properly, everything was hurting and she was shifting and kicking and pushing.  And then I got up to do the dishes before bed and I could suddenly stand closer to the sink than a few hours before. And I was like, oh, I think she dropped.

Today at my NST I was having contractions every 10 ish minutes, plus a bunch of irate uterus semi-contractions in between.  The nurse asked me if I’d had enough to drink yet and I was like yes, it is 11am and I have had 32+oz of liquid already!  I am super hydrated.  My uterus is working working working.  The contractions are uncomfortable but not painful unless baby pushes on my cervix and then I actually have to stop moving because that hurts a lot.

I also had an internal exam and I am 1cm dilated!  Last week I was not dilated at all.  So the shifting and pushing and painful cervix moves is my body starting to do it’s thing.

HOORAY!  Let’s do this!!

My in-laws are coming tomorrow through Monday, and my MIL could stay until Thursday.  So it’s actually a really convenient time to have a baby, seeing as how we could leave at a moment’s notice and not worry about babysitting, and my kids are obsessed with my MIL so they would be happy for her to be the one here while we go.  And my in-laws know all our routines, are comfortable in our house cooking and cleaning and laundering, etc.

Actually, it’s really funny, last time I had the babies on Shabbat when my MIL was here.  And my parents rushed up to be here, and my dad had to cancel the triathalon he was supposed to run on Sunday.  Well, my in-laws are coming for Shabbat, my dad is registered for a triathalon on Sunday, I’m dilating and contracting … Let’s get this party started!!!!!!!!

The only thing is last time there were tornados and thunderstorms the day the kids were born and tomorrow is supposed to be 89 and sunny.  So it’s not TOTALLY the same weekend.

(So excited and terrified)

37

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37!  Every week is like a marvel to me, I can’t believe how far along I am.

I’ve been updating constantly lately and I feel like I am just saying the same things over and over … kind of like waiting for labor to start and not having much else to do (related to pregnancy and baby anyway) …

Today we picked up a bassinet from a friend whose baby has outgrown it.  We didn’t use a bassinet last time.  We aren’t sure how to use one of these things.  Where do you put it?  Do people not do diaper changes with every feeding overnight?  With Apple and Banana the diaper change was part of the feeding routine.  They also started in the crib and were never in our beds or our room.  I figured it was easier to pick up a piece of furniture BEFORE baby comes than after, so we got it, and all the sheets and stuff, and here it is, and we’re like … why do we need this?  But maybe we do?

So tell me, what did your overnight routine with 1 baby look like?  Did you use a bassinet?  Was was it useful for?

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Apple is having trouble separating from me the last few days.  At first it was nightmares and we started making dream catchers and that seemed to be helpful.  But in general he doesn’t want me to go.  Like camp, he has been wonderful all summer at saying good-bye at camp but this week has gotten progressively harder and Friday he was crying and the teachers had to kind of pull him away, and the whole good-bye took 20 minutes longer than usual, and I felt terrible.  Banana has also been having a harder time leaving at camp but not like this.

It’s all making me so worried about what it will be like when the baby gets here.  Like this week I have started talking about how the baby is almost ready to come home, and telling them what it will be like on the day she tells me she’s ready.  And we even watched the D.a.niel Ti.ger episodes about it.  So I do feel like it is related to that.  He can’t articulate it or anything, he just won’t let me leave the room at night, comes up with various reasons, pulls my hand and won’t let me go.  A big part of me wants to stay and snuggle and wait until he goes to sleep, because how long will this last that he wants me like this.  But the rational part of me says that this is something I can’t do, I have to leave, I have to get ready for this baby and there’s no way I can spend an hour in his room snuggling until he goes to sleep while the newborn waits for me.

Banana has been stepping into a Little Mommy role that I am not sure I like but there’s not much I can do.  From reading adult twin’s perspectives, the one who ends up being Little Mommy often feels like her needs aren’t getting met, that she is the responsible one and doesn’t get to be vulnerable or cared for.  On the other hand, this Lilttle Mommy role is developing at the same time as her Extreme Irrational Whining is just starting to take stride, and I have been losing my temper with her a lot because her first resort for almost any problem is whining/tantrum/aggression.  She’s pushing every boundary and it is driving me insane already and I know it’s only the beginning of 3.  So I think me losing my temper at her when she is feeling vulnerable (because oh my effing gee I can’t handle the level of whine) might be contributing to her feeling like she can’t be vulnerable and so she is taking on a leadership/caretaker role.  And like literally the other day tried to wipe Apple’s nose.

What can I do.  I am messing them up in my own unique way.  I’m trying as hard as I can but I am human and tired and pregnant and anxious about maintaining some routine and sense of normalcy for when baby 3 comes.

When they go to sleep I think about how wonderful they are and how grateful I am and how amazing it is that a few years ago I never thought I would have kids and now I am looking at hopefully Gd willing bringing home a third child sometime in the next few weeks.  But when they’re awake I am a Grouch Monster Mommy who doesn’t laugh or smile enough.  I want to smile more but I am always correcting and scolding and desperately trying to rein in my temper at the boundaries being tested and the buttons being pushed.

It makes me anxious about the 3.5 weeks between camp and school…  I told Mr. Brightside if I have the baby this week, the last week of camp, he is only to take off the days that I’m in the hospital, then he has to go back to work and save his paternity leave for when the kids aren’t in camp or school starting next week.  Hopefully I’ll be pregnant one more week and then it will be fine…

Well anyway, life will happen.  Time moves at the same pace no matter what, right.  HOPEFULLY I won’t mess them up too badly..!!!!