Tag Archives: diet

CD 8!!?

Posted on by

I GOT MY PERIOD.

11acbzo

I got my period!

I did!

A little more than two months ago I was in my OBGYN office and she asked if I had had a postpartum period yet and I said no, I am still nursing.  She had me come in for an ultrasound just to check and make sure everything looked all right, and then after that said well you look fine so come to me when you’re finished nursing and we’ll get you on hormones and induce a period and yadda yadda.

She asked, do you ever get periods on your own?

I said, well, the only time I got regular cycles was when I was on a very low gl.yce.mic index diet and was exercising every day… I lost a bunch of weight and my cycle came back.

She said, well….???

Then I was angry and depressed for a couple of days, then went back on my super strict diet.  I’ve lost a few pounds.  I’ve started exercising every day.  And then, two months later, my cycle returned!

I am at my lowest weight I have seen since before I got pregnant.  I don’t remember what I weighed before I got pregnant so I won’t know exactly when I get back to that number but I do know what I weighed at my lowest since Apple and Banana were born, so that is my current target.

Smushy is still nursing twice a day though she doesn’t need it.  We skip it on Sunday mornings now so I can go to hot yoga while Mr. Brightside gets everyone up and feeds them pancakes (it’s much nicer for me not to be around for pancakes, also).  I think my body is holding onto weight while nursing.  I know I lost a bunch of weight after I stopped nursing last time, but that was also around the time that my thyroid started working better.

I did this same diet when I was tying to lose weight when we were trying to get pregnant the first time.  I couldn’t do phas.e 1 because I found it to be unhealthy and couldn’t get through a workout without getting light headed.  This time, after having done this diet before, and also having had ge.stat.tional di.abe.tes, I am more equipped to be on a strict low carb diet.  It was still hard for those two weeks and my stomach made crazy weird noises, but this time I got through it.

Also, remember how sad I was two weeks ago … Someone (compassionately) mentioned it could be my period, do I get regular periods, is there a chance?  I said, there’s no way for me to know!!!  I never get a period!!  So who knows what my hormones are doing!

Anyway, there you have it.  Diet and exercise for the win.

(And the fact that I am only now writing this one week after my period started shows you what life is like right now and how often I get to sit down to write!  Actually Apple is home sick right now but I’ve set him up with some paint and a gigantic piece of paper, and Smushy is asleep, so I can have a few minutes on the computer!!)

Pregnancy Eating Habits

Posted on by

If I knew when I was pregnant that I would be stuck with this weight, would I have changed my eating habits?

HELL NO.

First of all, I wanted to gain weight in order to make sure I had big babies.  I ate mostly healthy, although I did have my share of ice cream.  But I ate a lot.  And guess what – at 34w1d, my babies were 4.5lb and 5lb – that is big!  That is as big as a singleton at that stage, maybe even bigger.  So I don’t regret it for that reason.

And you know what, who knows if/when I will be pregnant again.  I lived it up.  I ate ice cream whenever I wanted.  I had chocolate milk every morning for breakfast.  I had as much bread as I wanted, and ate french fries with my burgers.  I just enjoyed myself.  I loved that I let myself do it.  I loved that I lived it up.  My pregnancy was short but when I stopped feeling nauseous I definitely made up for all the lost time.

Yes, I am paying for it.  Yes, I am struggling to lose weight and I feel bad about my body and wish I could have my old body back.  But you know what, I may never get it back, and I might never have gotten it back even if I had maintained a strict diet of lettuce and tomatoes and chickpeas while pregnant.

The fact is, pregnancy changes your body.  I know women who were super healthy while pregnant but still ballooned up and are now struggling with their weight.  I know people who gained a small amount of weight but because of their recovery haven’t been able to work out and so the weight is sticking with them.  I know other people like me with thyroid issues preventing them from losing weight.  And, I know people who have lost all their weight (except maybe 4-5lb) and find that their old clothes still don’t fit because their hips are now wider and boobs bigger.

So there you have it.  Even the ones who lose the weight sometimes have a hard time.

Knowing this doesn’t make me feel better about the weight.  It doesn’t make me feel better about my body.  I still look at myself sideways and scrutinize myself – have a lost any since last week?  Do I look any smaller?  Does this shirt look better on me?  Is my butt getting saggy?

But I am glad I ate whatever the hell I wanted.  I miss those days.  I am glad I enjoyed it.  I would do it again if I could go back in time, even knowing now what I know.

(PS: I am now officially down 7lb – so I am now only +27.5lb from my pre-pregnancy weight.  Slowly but surely…)

State of Me

Posted on by

Some updates about me…

I’ve lost 5.5lb since starting my thyroid pills 🙂  I think it’s been 5 weeks, so that is about a pound a week.  Thank goodness.  I’m doing okay with sticking to my “diet”, but now the problem is that since I’m not eating junk I am just forgetting to eat.  I used to go to the kitchen and graze, having a cookie or whatever.  Now I go to the kitchen and get a cup of iced tea and go back out without getting any food.  I keep doing that, and then realize it’s been 6-7 hours and I haven’t eaten anything.  I guess it’s a testament to this diet because I usually get shaky if I don’t eat for more than 3 hours, so going that long without getting shaky is good, although I shouldn’t be going so long between meals.

It’s actually a huge relief to be losing this weight.  I was getting close to my end-of-pregnancy weight again.  Gaining up to two pounds every week.  It was crazy fast, even while trying to eat well.  Now I haven’t really changed my diet since then and I have been losing.

I had bought all these clothes for my “postpartum body” two months after the babies were born.  I bought things that looked good on me and were stretchy so they would look good as I got smaller.  But instead I got a lot bigger and even those clothes don’t fit me.  Now I am only about 4lb away from the weight I was when I bought those clothes, so I am hoping to look good in them again.  +29lb from my pre-pregnancy weight – yay! in the 20s now!

I’m also feeling a lot better emotionally.  I can handle a lot more in terms of the stress of taking care of the babies.  I guess it comes at a good time because I’m sick now and mama doesn’t get a sick day.

I’ve been reading a lot lately about women these days having to choose between kids and career, or if they leave the work force for a while they end up not being able to get back in so easily.  It kind of scares me because I never really was a part of the work force – I worked for a few years and then changed fields very dramatically, but never found a job in that field.  I have nothing to go “back” to, and not sure what to go towards.  So for now I am a SAHM with a fancy MA in something I’ll probably never do again – at least not in the way I had envisioned it in grad school.

But really I never had very concrete ideas of what I wanted to “be when I grow up.”  So I feel like I’m just kind of drifting, and doing what has to be done in the moment.  Which is mostly changing diapers and making sure the babies get enough sleep.  My “self” is on hold for now I guess.

My acne has kind of stuck around, which is gross and frustrating.  I’m wearing glasses every day, partially because they look good on me, partially because I have no idea when I would see the eye doctor to get a new prescription for contacts.

I am avoiding spending money on myself.  My shoes are getting holes in the heels and my coats don’t zipper because of my size difference, but I won’t buy anything new for myself.  I can’t rationalize it.  I have so many shoes but none of them fit the way I’d hoped.  I don’t want a new coat in a bigger size because I want to shrink down to the size that fits these coats.  Etc.  I don’t want to spend money on myself.  It’s easier to spend it on the babies.  I just bought them some teething toys.

I’m making friends in the mommy group but still not feeling like I could call any of them up to hang out outside of these mommy meet ups.  I am feeling a little isolated in that way.  I miss having friend-friends.  I want some of these women to be my friend but some of the ones I like the most have gone back to work and I can’t hang out on weekends because most of our weekends have visitors / parents.  So it is complicated.

I’ve learned a lot of new children’s songs from my pandora station.

I kind of want a babysitter so I can just sit around and be sick and watch tv and sleep.  I hate being sick and feeling like crap and still having to drag my ass out of bed on the never-ending 3 hour cycle that is my day.

I think overall I’m doing well.  Every day is hard but there are some great moments.  I know we are in a tough phase again so I am trying to remind myself that I am still me.

Screams McFadden & PCOS

Posted on by

It happened again tonight.  This time, Mr. Brightside was there to help me before I had another complete meltdown.  He suggested using the hand pump to get my milk to let down and then try to put the babies back on the boobs, since both of them were screaming.  This way I can see how long it is really taking to let down, if I have milk at all, etc.

It actually is kind of taking a while to let down, maybe.  My boobs aren’t full even after 4-6 hours between feedings and I have to work at it, probably harder suction than the babies are getting.  And I have to do it a lot – my milk let down, then it stopped, then it had to be forced into letting down again.  At least, I THINK that’s what was happening.  So on top of evening screamfest I may actually be having a milk supply issue.

Then it dawned on me.  My bacne has started to clear up the last week.  And I am now 3 months postpartum.  Is PCOS coming back?  I mean, I know it never really left, but are my hormones going back to how they used to be?  Because PCOS can make milk supply a problem fo sho.  And I am certainly not treating my body like it has PCOS, what with all the cookies and whatnot.

Effing PCOS!!!!!

Also, the babies do feel uncomfortable, there is a belly issue going on.  But also, like I mentioned, Banana’s got a minor tongue tie.  We experimented a lot tonight to try to figure things out – how to soothe the babies at this time of night, how to feed them, how to feed ourselves during Screamfest, etc.

So we have a new strategy to try, at least for tomorrow, and we’ll see how it goes.  First, I am going to do all the night feedings, even the early morning one that I have normally skipped for my husband to give them a bottle, because my milk is better in the morning.  Second, Mr. Brightside is going to go to work extra early so he can be home by 6, which is the peak of Screamfest. Third, I am going to start eating my PCOS diet again in addition to extra pumping and drinking the tea.  Fourth, we are giving the babies pretty much only bottles in the evening, and I will pump DURING their feedings (plus one extra pumping before bed), until my milk supply increases.

This plan means 4 breast feedings and 3 bottle feedings per day, so you can see we are kind of slowly moving in a direction of bottle feeding. 😦  Not that I have anything against bottle feeding.  If that’s where we end up, then that is where we end up, and there are definitely positives to bottle feeding.  But I would like to keep breast feeding because I like it, because I like the intimacy of it, because I like the snuggles after, and I feel so good about being able to do this thing.

Ugh, but eating my PCOS diet is hard work, and I am just trying to feed myself enough to not be starving all day and I am doing that with carbs.  Without carbs, I am going to need SO MUCH MORE FOOD.  So tonight I made my huge bag of trail mix, my husband is making me half a dozen hard boiled eggs, we have hummus and veg, we have clementines, we have soups, we have yogurt and string cheese, and I have some high protein whole grain granola bars that I’ve been really into lately anyway.  And then, if my milk supply comes back and the babies are still having a hard time, then I guess I will try the no dairy route, but I am really holding off because the low carb and no dairy and no meat route means I basically eat nuts all day, and I am not a big fan of nuts.  (I eat meat, but I keep kosher, and it somehow feels more complicated to eat meat at any meal besides dinner.)

I mentioned to my husband tonight that it’s like my body never really does anything (reproductive-wise) without a little help.  We needed a little help to get pregnant.  I needed a little help to stay pregnant.  And now I will need a little help to breast feed if that is what I want to do.

If I had a theme song for how I feel right now, it would be “Everything I Do (I Do it For You)” by Bryan Adams, which I rocked out to as a tween and still secretly, guiltily love.  And so fits my life right now.  (But, bleh, without Kevin Costner)

You hear that, babies?

IMG_5342

As an aside: Mr. Brightside and I have started adding McFadden to the ends of things because we are watching copious amounts of ST:TNG during Screamfest (if you don’t know what that is by the acronym then that’s okay, but you are probably too cool for me) and the actress who plays Dr. Crusher’s name is Gates McFadden, which is a great name.

How I could easily gain weight – and fast

Posted on by

I’ve figured it out.  I know how I will gain weight if I don’t pay close enough attention.  And I don’t mean gain weight in the good way, like the 25-35 pounds I should expect to gain.

Here’s the problem: I AM STARVING.

(I guess I forgot to put that in my symptom post the other day)

I normally eat pretty healthy food and good sized portions. But here’s what’s been happening:

1) I eat my normal size portion of lunch, for example today I had a big bowl of lentil soup and fruit.  I may have taken more soup than usual but this is in general a normal lunch for me.

2) I’m still hungry.  Hungry like I didn’t eat the soup.

3) Okay, I decide to have my afternoon snack early.  I have 1/4 of a raw cauliflower and a ton of hummus.  (I mean I literally ate 1/4 of an entire cauliflower, this is my “snack.”)

4) Still not full, but I guess not hungry anymore.

(two hours later)

5) STARVING.

6) Try to eat string cheese, which used to be my go-to quick protein snack.  I now find string cheese repulsive and almost gag on it.

(manage to get distracted by a project, make it another hour)

7) EVEN MORE STARVING.

8) Try to find another healthy option to eat.  Freaking out because I’m so hungry and if I don’t eat right this minute I’m going to DIE.

9) Resign myself to eating 4 microwaveable fake chicken nuggets.

(three hours later)

10) STARVING.

11) Try again to find a healthy snack.  Decide to have peanut butter on spelt crackers.

12) Still hungry, but we are now out of snack options in the house that are not repulsive to me.  UGH WHAT I WOULD DO FOR SOME CHOCOLATE LAVA CAKE.  (Thank goodness I conveniently forgot about the cookies and ice cream in the freezer)

(an hour later)

13) Dinner.  Scarf down my food like I hadn’t eaten in days.  Finally feel full.  Now I’m way too full, now I’m uncomfortably full, now I am can’t-sit-up-straight full.  At least I’m finally full!!

I think I am going to really resolve to keep junk food out of the house and try to figure out some more healthy snack options that are not absolutely disgusting.  The thing is, what is now absolutely disgusting to me used to be delicious.  So I actually have no idea what I like anymore.

I know I like cookies, brownies, ice cream, french fries, bread, etc etc.  But I must keep these delicious evils from my home or else I am sure I will eat them when I am STARVING.  I never am a little hungry so I know I should eat, it’s like I go from 0-100 in three seconds.

Also, I will take larger portions of the main dishes of my meals, because those are generally the healthiest and most protein-full part of the meal.  So for example I should be pouring myself twice as much soup, to keep from having twice as many snacks.  I’m supposed to eat around 300 more calories per day for the baby, but it seems like I need so much more than that to keep up.

Does anyone have any strategies or suggestions?  I’m trying to keep a low-gluten / low-carb diet, which is also making it hard, but my blood sugar appreciates it.

Still spotting :(

Posted on by

I’m still spotting.

This cycle has been a mess. All of the Jewish holidays messed with my eating, my grandmother passing has been very stressful (and messed with my eating), and I have been traveling all over the place because of these things (which also messes with my eating). So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m spotting, and honestly I’m starting to wonder how could this cycle possibly bring a BFP with all of this thrown in there?

It’s hard to stick to my low glucose diet when I have no control over the food that’s being served or even what is available to eat in the house. And being stressed on top of that means I’m not making good decisions (and even though I know that, I just want the immediate comfort of ice cream or brownies).

Anyway, that is my selfish rant from this process, that I’m not eating well and that’s messing up my cycle, when I feel like I really should be thinking of my mom and family and loss and all of that.

Coming to terms with change

Posted on by

My closet has been purged.

Two enormous bags and a couple of smaller bags full of clothes that are either ugly or don’t fit anymore came out of my closet today.  Also a pile of perfectly good work pants that don’t fit that I am sad to see go, and I might try to actually exchange for some money because I only bought them in the last year.

This isn’t even everything.  There were a couple of dresses I haven’t worn in a long, long time that I couldn’t bring myself to throw away.  And one sweater.  And maybe a pair of jeans.  Clothing I have sentimental attachment to for some reason.  I was just sick of seeing a closet full of clothes but feeling like I had nothing to wear!  And I really had very little to wear out of everything I had because I shrank in the last year.  I have maintained this weight all summer so I feel safe enough to get rid of my bigger clothes.

This isn’t the only thing that’s changing.  I don’t deal well with change, even change that I am looking forward to is hard for me.  The funny thing is that I am always seeking change, but once I’ve got it I wish I didn’t have it.

A part of me also didn’t want to get rid of my big clothes because I thought maybe I would be pregnant and I would want them again.  But if I’m pregnant I’m going to get some cute maternity things so I guess I wouldn’t want those clothes again anyway, right?

I’m scheduling a pick-up this week to donate these clothes to charity.  They aren’t stained or ripped at all, and I would wear them if they were the right size.  So, to whoever gets them next, enjoy them, I hope they are your new small clothes!

Delusional

Posted on by

For some reason this cycle is harder than the last time.

Last time was my first Official Cycle: I went to the doctor, had tests, had the ultrasound wand up my hoo-ha, took the drugs, had the timed sex, counted down the days, and all that jazz.  But it was so crazy that it was almost a relief when I wasn’t pregnant, that it was just over and I could forget about it for a while.

This cycle we barely “tried.”  I was talking to the Egg Lady about this… we barely tried, we didn’t chart, we didn’t go to the doctor, we didn’t temp.  I happened to believe I was ovulating so we had some sexy time and waited.  And then I got my period, so I did indeed ovulate.  However, I also got my period, so I was clearly not pregnant.

But I spent the next week looking things up on the internet to try to explain how the things I was experiencing could still be signs of pregnancy.  Wasn’t my period lighter than last time?  Wasn’t it not as flowy?  Don’t I have all these other symptoms?  Was that nausea yesterday?  Did I just get a headache?  Am I feeling more bloated than normal but not in the periody way?

I mean, really.

I took a pregnancy test – after I got my period.  Negative.  I took another one, my period still going.  Still negative.  Then I posted here saying I was done testing, but I lied.  I still was looking things up on the internet, convincing myself that I was pregnant but just having some non-period bleeding.  Even when I started feeling sick (runny nose) last night I was like, oh, they said sometimes you feel like you have a cold but really you are pregnant!  This morning I took a third test after having my period for 7 days.

I’m a little disappointed in myself for being so delusional about this.  We’ve barely been at this fertility thing.  I think I just feel so desperate because I actually ovulated on my own and that doesn’t ever happen, so I really want to believe that it wasn’t wasted.

But really we have been working at it for a year, we’ve just only had two opportunities.  I lost 16 pounds and monitor everything I eat as part of this fertility process.

I’m glad I made an appointment to start therapy a few weeks before we start our next cycle.  I need some in-real-life support.  I’m afraid what it will be like the next time because PS! A SMALL PART OF ME STILL THINKS I MIGHT BE PREGNANT!  Even while writing this!

But a bigger part of me knows I’m not, and I am crushed.  I have been eating absolute junk (for me and my diet).  I ate a plate full of fries last night – haven’t done that in more than six months.  I’ve been eating chocolate like nobody’s business.  I’ve been eating too much bread than what my body can handle.  I’m trying to keep myself in check, like okay maybe some fries are okay and so is some bread and chocolate, but I can’t go overboard.  But I WANT to go overboard.  I want to make myself feel emotionally stable by eating chocolate – that works, right?  I want a big piece of chocolate lava cake and vanilla ice cream to make me feel happy again – that works, right?

I think I actually do have a cold, though.  I’m taking that as a sign that I need to stay in this weekend and get some sleep.

Should I be “waiting”?

Posted on by

I can’t tell if I’m being very silly or not.  Which means I’m probably being very silly.

I’m sitting and waiting as if I really did ovulate.  I’m interpreting every sign as a sign that something has happened, as in 1a) the CM has changed consistency again in the last few days, and 2a) I am feeling very emotional, and therefore 1b) I am probably pregnant and 2b) I definitely ovulated.

I went out for happy hour yesterday to say good-bye to the interns and got a lemonade.  I probably would have gotten it anyway, I’m not a big drinker, but I made a point to remember to get lemonade.

I’m also figuring out how to pretend like I’m drinking this weekend on Shabbat without actually drinking.  We have a visitor for the weekend and I don’t want to raise suspicions.  Everyone is watching me like a hawk, looking for pregnancy.  I’m not kidding.  One summer I made art about fetuses, not because I was thinking about having a baby, but because the fetuses symbolized both my underdeveloped sense of identity as an art therapist while in grad school (the womb) and also the dependency of some of the clients on emotional nourishment and support on the staff and therapists.  My whole family started whispering (she’s unconsciously baby-crazy!).  I started getting into taking care of plants and everyone started whispering (she wants something new to take care of!).

Continue reading →

About losing weight

Posted on by

I’m having success losing weight!  Even with PCOS!  Finally!

I’ve never officially been overweight.  I’m going to say that from the beginning because I know a lot of women with PCOS end up becoming overweight as a result of the PCOS and it is frustrating to hear women who have not had that happen talk about losing weight.  But even though I have been able to maintain a lower weight my whole life, losing weight was important to me to try to bring my periods back and to get my blood sugar under control.  Eggs in a Row asked me how I’m managing to do it even with PCOS being a big beast about it, so instead of putting it in a comment I made a new post!

When I was younger I was thin because I ate an extremely restricted diet because I was convinced I was fat.  At 110lb in high school I wrote journal entry after journal entry about how fat I was.  Once I stopped the restricted diet, pounds slowly started creeping on, first to be a normal weight but then they started coming on faster.  And then I realized it was impossible to lose them.  I would eat less and exercise more but I had to work so hard just to lose one pound and then it would come back if I skipped a day at the gym.  It was so frustrating I just gave up, then I went to grad school and gained some stress weight, and then I started tilting the mirrors to make me look thinner and ignoring other mirrors in general (ha!).

Continue reading →