this question crossed my mind a couple of times this evening as i sat alone at the accident and emergency department. had texted my siblings about my mum being sent to the department. only my second sis responded. the rest must have been asleep, i thought. and for my second sis, she went on about how unwell she felt and thus will not head to the hospital. k, thx, her text reply read.
and after that, i was left alone wondering why i had to handle my mum almost single-handedly. and as the thought crossed my mind, i had to remind myself again that it was a responsibility i had to undertake. if not me, who else...
arghhhh...
12 comments:
sorry to hear you are stressed out over care of your mother
unfortunately, it seems to be a fact that unmarried children will take on the care of parents in their later lives
i have a colleage who is unmaried too and even though she has 8 other brothers and sisters, they are all married with kids and they conveniently wash their hands of taking care of their father when he was bedridden for many years
she employed a maid, but even then, the maid cannot be relied on to do everything
for example, because the dad is bedridden, he is constipated daily and she has to help him clear his bowels (yes, by digging in with her gloved hands). this is something even the maid will not do for you
she does this day in, day out, year in, year out
and yet, when festive seasons like Chinese New Year or Christmas comes around, all the siblings will gather at her place and expect her and her maid to cook for the entire family
what's worse, on the few occasions when they do visit, they will complain to her and say things like "why don't you bring dad out on a wheel chair more often?", "who dont you do this or do that?" or even "why is the house so messy?"
you often hear that parents clean your diapers when you were a child, so when your parents grow old and have to hear adult diapers, you should help them clean too. but cleaning adult diapers are a heavier task and cannot be the same as cleaning a baby's diapers
furthermore, babies outgrow their diapers in 2 years or so... while aged parents can linger on for years, even decades... this is not a fair comparison
also, for babies, you see them grow stronger and more independent... while for aged parents, you see them deteriorate and if they have dementia, like your mum, then they will appear unappreciative and even ungrateful even after what you have to go through to take care of them
for these many reasons, i think adult children taking care of aged, sickly parents far more heroic than parents taking care of their young children
for your case, their is no easy solution as i can see it. you can ask your siblings for help to distribute your workload, but i am guessing they will be very unwilling to shoulder any more of your burden
and the load is just just physical, like ferrying your mother to the hospital. it is also emotional (like when she howls at home and your siblings cant hear her cos they are safely in their own homes far away), it is also financial (do they chip in with the hospitalisation fees?)
in fact, i think most married siblings are secretly relieved that they have an unmarried sibling (like you) for them to excuse themselves from the heavy burden of taking care of aged parents.
if you ask them, they will almost always say: "but i have my husband/wife/kids/dogs/cats/in-laws" to take of too... since you are unmarried and have no family, why dont you take care of mum/dad?"
i feel for you
Dont be hard on.yourself. Let thing takes its natural course. Ultimately, your mum's worrisome for her son is something understandable. Hope she recover soon. You should take rest while you can. A tired man can be a really angry man. Peace....
Bee u still have me... I can help
Its always the singles like us who have to take care of parents but our government think we are a burden to the society for being nonbreeders lol
Regards Zenpoet
@river: alas, we cannot not undertake this responsibility as children. no domestic help can do a better job than us... and so we will have to constantly remind ourselves of why we are doing it and push on... but sighs... there times when spirit is down, strength is not there and that is when things can go awry...
@natkean: thanks. appreciate the kind words.
@bee: thanks...
@zenpoet: well... we choose to live here... so... life's never fair. but then again, give and take, there are many other positives about this "arrangement"...
Dont worry...after all the deeds you have done..you will get back good kharma in return...god is always fair...be strong!
Hope your mum is fine now. Take care of yourself too.
Be strong.... Deep down it brings lots of comfort to our heart that we as a child is able to provide care for your parent who had taken care of us despite the occasional bout of stress that comes with it. As for the siblings who were unable or refuse to provide the care, .they will never get this comfort in their heart. Just treat the stress as all in a day's job. We come, We see and we conquer the challenges...
Thanks Anon, Dilbert, Wanderer for the kind and encouraging words. Appreciate it.
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