Letter 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Dear Pip, (Pip= opposite of Pop… therefore my grandmother)
I know you’re up there in the sky smiling down on us. I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. With the anniversary of your death being two days ago you’ve been on my mind.
I feel sad because I never really got to know you. Having you die of cancer when I was four seems like such a tragedy after all the fun you and I had together. You were the perfect grandmother and I loved you for it. You did all those sweet grandmother things. You would always have a fresh packet of Hubba Bubba bubblegum awaiting my arrival each time I visited. You would rebuke my Dad every time he tried to tell me Tinkerbell’s pixidust was her farting. I also remember how you looked after me when I was two and Mum was in hospital having my sister.
I remember the downhill trot, where your eyes were always heavy and to smile seemed such an effort. But it never stopped you from doing it. You could never stop loving us. I remember those last few days leading up to Christmas just before you died. You were bed-ridden and I missed having you to play with. I’ll never forget that morning when I awoke and everyone had gone to the hospital. I’ll never forget the look on my mum’s and my aunties’ faces as they returned to the house… without you.
I was four Pip. I was four. And I really loved you. It gets so hard sometimes and I wish you were around. Even as a small child, you always had my back. You always seemed to be on my side, not my parents’. A girl needs that and I am seeing it more and more as I grow up. I wish you were there to see me on my first day in kindergarten, receiving dux in year six, at my year ten formal and to see me sing. I wish you’d been able to meet my little brother and sister who never met you.
I talked with my friend’s nan today and seriously, the two of them are so gorgeous. They are as stubborn as each other and would never admit it but they really do love each other to bits. Her nan would do anything for her and she’s always there when her parents aren’t. Sometimes I feel jealous and wish I could have that too.
Thing is I wish a lot of things. But that doesn’t mean they’re going to happen. You’re in heaven and the rest of us are still down here. I’ve made it this far though, with just the memory of you, although your eyeliner and pink lipstick have often come in handy, not to mention the piggy bank you filled for me that’s still in my wardrobe.
One day I’ll cut it open and I’ll go over every one of those coins. I’ll trace any scent of your perfume. I’m not sure what I’ll use the money for but it’s special to me. I’ll use it for something good, I promise.
I love you Pip. I still do. I always will. And know that I miss you so much.
Love, you grandaughter, Nicola.
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