Paperback 1068: Under Heaven's Bridge / Michael Bishop & Ian Watson (Ace SF 84481-2)

Paperback 1068: Ace SF 84481-2 (1st Ace printing, April 1982)

Title: Under Heaven's Bridge

Author: Michael Bishop & Ian Watson

Cover artist: Don Punchatz (per isfdb)

Condition: 6/10

Value: $5-8

Best things about this cover:

• Man, I cannot wait to see Lion King 3000, it looks fucking awesome!
• Alien baby-lifting really is the best exercise for building strong lats. Look at the definition on this dude!
• I have this sick feeling he's about to bring that little guy right down on top of his helmet and all I can say is I hope this is all consensual.
• Again, I seem to have drifted into the '80s with some of my recent acquisitions. But then the '80s are to now what the '50s were to the time when I started collecting, so maybe this time shift was to be expected.

Best things about this back cover:

• Aw, jeez, nothing. One of them text-only back covers. As always, boo.
• I normally take price stickers off, but this one's not coming off without taken a huge chunk of the cover with it, so ... just gonna leave it.
• I do love that the back cover just expects you to know what a Giacometti sculpture looks like: "Look it up, you Philistines!" I guess those creatures of the cover kinda do look like the Walking Man:

Page 123~

This time he made no move to hinder her, and, bemused and fretful, she escaped to the frigid safety of the Platform.

"Bemused and Fretful," of course, the B-side to Talking Heads' "Crosseyed and Painless"

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Paperback 851: The Puzzle Planet / Robert A.W. Lowndes // The Angry Espers / Lloyd Biggle, Jr. (Ace D-485)

Paperback 851: Ace Double D-485 (PBO/PBO, 1961)

Title: The Puzzle Planet / The Angry Espers
Authors: Robert A.W. Lowndes / Lloyd Biggle, Jr.
Cover artist: Ed Emshwiller / Ed Valigursky

Estimated value: $15-20


Best things about this cover:

• Brigitte Bardot senses that things are about take a very, very freaky turn.
• That's some Left Bank space helmetry she's got going there.
• In the future, cameras will weigh 80 pounds and Mr. Clean will have Really let himself go.
• No one could stop Steve Rockwell from making the "Barbarella" prequel of his dreams!

Best things about this other cover:

• "Float, harlequin! Float to hell!"
• Mind-Bowling: It Takes Balls
• In the future, everyone and everything will orbit Rutger Hauer.

Page 123~ (from The Angry Espers)

"May I speak with Doctor Alir?" Corban asked.
"Doctor Alir is not here."
"When is she expected back?"
"She will not be back," the doctor said. "She's been … transferred."

Spoiler alert: Doctor Alir is now a pin girl in Rutger Hauer's Human Bowl-a-Rama.

~RP

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Paperback 839: Man from Tomorrow / Wilson Tucker (Bantam 1343)

Paperback 839: Bantam 1343 (1st ptg, 1955)

Title: Man From Tomorrow
Author: Wilson Tucker
Cover artist: Uncredited

Approximate value: $6-10


Best things about this cover:

• "OK, so main guy shoots beams out of his eyes, and then the lady in his head shoots beams out of her face and … I don't know … let's say, whirlpool aliens wicker man done. Got it?"
• This floating head has his own internal floating head. That's pretty high-end.
• Font colors are wicked stupid.
• Ooh, this novel "tells of something which may be happening now." Ooh, is it Armageddon? Winter? The Greater Rochester Arts & Crafts Festival!? I'm gonna have to read this.

Best things about this back cover:

• And the razor frisbee takes out another alien.
• "Perhaps" … way to sell it!
• The Paul Breens = your next band name.

Page 123~

Paul wondered if this new woman in the adjoining apartment would be a plant.

"A ficus, maybe," he fantasized.

~RP

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Paperback 753: The 1,000-Year Plan / Isaac Asimov // No World of Their Own / Poul Anderson (Ace D-110)

Paperback 753: Ace D-110 (1st ptg / PBO, 1955)

Title: The 1,000-Year Plan / No World of Their Own
Author: Isaac Asimov / Poul Anderson
Cover artist: [Ed Valigursky] / Uncredited

Yours for: $25


Best things about this cover:

• The Minister of Eyebrows is not pleased.
• Rocket-shooting epaulets! Sign me up.
• I saw this sitting on top of the pull boxes at my comic book store and asked the owner if I could look at it. She said, "You like it? Take it." So there's one more benefit to buying local.

Best things about this other cover:

• Are we not men? We are Smear-Face.
• This looks like a very polished sci-fi artist's sketchpad. Buncha vaguely space-y stuff, no real concept.
• The capitalization scheme here is irking me. Titles capitalized, great. Uncapitalized, ok. First two words only … that just adds to the half-baked feel of this entire cover.

Page 123~

Through the shrieking din and confusion, Wienis' bull voice sounded, "Get the flares! Get the flares!"

~RP

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Paperback 639: Kothar and the Wizard Slayer / Gardner F. Fox (Unibook nn)

Paperback 639: Unibook nn (1st ptg, 1970)

Title: Kothar and the Wizard Slayer
Author: Gardner F. Fox
Cover artist: Jeff Jones

Yours for: $5


Best things about this cover:

• Behold the mystical wonder of the medieval PowerPoint presentation.
• Redhead: "Now if you'll direct your attention right ... here." Gremlin: "Eh! Oh! Eh! What the hell?!"
• Protip: Do not interrupt a gremlin during his morning shower, for that is when he lip syncs and dances to Katy Perry.
• Maybe having your two main characters turn their backs on the camera isn't the greatest idea, visual interest-wise.

Best things about this back cover:

• Choose from our vast selection of Kothars!
• And, in the most shocking Rose Ceremony ever ... it's Frostfire! Sorry, Lori.
• In my best Norman Bates voice: "A boy's best friend is his sword." 

Page 123~

Red Lori was there, coming from the building door, with Phordog Fale and Nemidomes at her elbow. In the background shadows he could make out Cybala, hiding. 

I see this author comes from the Get High And Utter Random Syllables school of character-naming. In other news, the official progression of fail is now Fail, Epic Fail, Phordog Fale.

~RP

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Paperback 623: Alien Planet / Fletcher Pratt (Ace F-257)

Paperback 623: Ace F-257 (1st ptg, 1964)

Title: Alien Planet
Author: Fletcher Pratt
Cover artist: Ed Emshwiller

Yours for: $11


Best things about this cover:

• In many ways, a rather generic scifi title / cover (I mean, come on, Alien Planet? That's the best you can do?). But all of this intricate techno-organic Rube Goldberg-esque machinery is gorgeous. There's man, there's monster, and then there's the in-between—which I'm gonna call the "Psychotic Fish Rollercoaster."
• Also love the design on the dude's spacesuit. It's ornate, clean, and confectionary. I wanna lick him real bad.
• That monster thingie is super-creepy if you really look at it. Looks like generic "alien" until you notice the humanoid features; that's what makes it really nightmarish. The face. The opposable thumbs. All floating in their own haze of stink. Good stuff.

Best things about this back cover:

• Humanish hands harder to see here. Also, this thing's a lot less scary out of context. 
• Apparently this is a "classic novel." I checked the original publication date. 1932.
• I would've sworn "Murashema" had to be based on "Hiroshima," but the original publication date suggests not. Too early for that name to be very evocative in the west. 

Page 123~

The big man gave a heave that threw me on my side. I clutched him desperately, but at that moment the prisoner won free, snatched up the javelin and calmly and accurately plunged it into the throat of the man who was now trying to down me.

If unintended sexual subtext is your thing (you know, plunging "javelins" into throats and what not), this is your book. "I shifted position to bring the big man under me," etc. etc.

~RP

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Paperback 388: Magazine of Science Fiction & Fantasy, August, 1955

Paperback 388

Title: Magazine of Science Fiction & Fantasy (August, 1955)
Authors: Poul Anderson, Henry Kuttner, C.L. Moore, Anthony Boucher, and Elisabeth Sanxay Holding
Cover artist: Ed Emshwiller

Yours for: SOLD!


Best things about this cover:

• Farmer Ted Goes to Planet Blortron
• If Norman Rockwell did paintings about interstellar, interspecies sexual confusion, they might look something like this: "Wheeeere are youuuuuu goinnnng!? Youuuuu sed youuuuu luvved meeeeee... Take this hellllmet off riiight nowwww..."
• I love the highly underrated Elisabeth Sanxay Holding, and I'm pretty sure I bought this magazine ONLY because she had a story in it (she's more an eerie thriller writer than a scifi writer, normally)

Best things about this back cover:

• Well if Eva Gabor and Guy Lombardo say so, who am I to disagree?
• Love the font on "IMAGINATION."
• "Better newsstands" ... ??? "Man, this is one classy newsstand! ... it's got an awning and everything!"

Page 123~

from "The Tiddlywink Warriors" by Poul Anderson and Gordon R. Dickson

Too late, Alex remembered that he had left Toka without a supply of the potent liquor which was so much a part of everyday Hoka life. Whether known as wine, red-eye, rum, grog, uisgebeatha or Old Spaceman, it was always present in wholesale quantities. Now, for the first time, Alex found himself with a bunch who had it not.

When I am a very elderly man, living on some lunar outpost because of nuclear war / End Times, I will drink "Old Spaceman." Proudly.

~RP

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Paperback 160: Galaxy Science Fiction (December 1959)

Paperback 160: Galaxy Science Fiction (December 1959)

• Includes work by: Robert Bloch ("Sabbatical"), Philip K. Dick ("War Game"), Frederick Pohl ("The Snowmen"), Robert Sheckley, Willy Ley, George O. Smith, A.J. Offutt, and others
• Cover artist: EMSH (best cover artist name ever) - real name = Ed Emshwiller

Yours for: $14


Best things about this cover:

• It is aDORable. I want to make Christmas cards out of this cover.
• Martian pyjamas
• Santa has four arms
• I want that rocket that Santa is holding
• Really, the design on this cover is astonishingly beautiful. It's like Norman Rockwell meets mid-century modern meets The Future. The little silver snowflake-stars around the date / price just seal the deal
• How did Robert Bloch and Philip K. Dick get driven off the front cover by ... these guys. A.J. Offutt? He should be banished for name ugliness alone.
  

Best things about this back cover

• Seriously, one of the Worst ads I've ever seen. Shouldn't the NAME OF YOUR PRODUCT be featured ... somewhere? Prominently? I mean, if the title had been "What's In IF For You?" I might have been impressed. Maybe that was the idea and the typesetter just effed up.
• "We often wonder why all our readers aren't subscribers" = "We often wonder why we can't pay our bills each month"
• I imagine the most boring, droning, Hugh Beaumont-esque guy making this would-be sales pitch. "When you subscribe to our magazine, it comes straight to your house via a little bit of magic we like to call: The Mail"
• Who designed this, Luddites!? It's like the anti-ad!

Page 123~

"People are always watching me, Brother," I said. "So now they do it even when they aren't around. I should have known it would come to that."

-from "Charity Case" by Jim Harmon

This is far too prescient for me to snark on.

~RP

Paperback 146: The Gods of Mars / Edgar Rice Burroughs (Del Rey 27835)

Paperback 146: Del Rey 27835 (13th ptg, 1979)

Title: The Martian Tales of Edgar Rice Burroughs, Vol. 2: The Gods of Mars
Author: Edgar Rice Burroughs
Cover artist: Michael Whelan

Yours for: $6


Best things about this cover:

• "Hey, wardrobe, can we get some more groin coverage on set, please? STAT!"
• That hunk of "rock" behind them looks disgusting - like rock candy mixed with snot
• I like the part where the naked ballet dancer disembowels the Cyclopadusasaurus.
• Second sets of arms just look silly. That bottom set looks like the hands of someone who can't see and is flailing wildly because his head is shoved up into the torso of the sabermantis.
• Scifi artists, for whatever reason, seem to get credited a lot more than paperback cover artists working in other genres. It takes real talent to do good scifi covers. Even if the artist is super-talented, there's always the danger (manifested here) that the resulting imaginative landscape will look campy and ridiculous.

Best things about this back cover:

• Ugh, more side-arms.
• Cyclopadusasaurus is open downfield ... looks like she'll catch the moonsphere, but man is she going to take a hit from the safety.
• "Return to Peril" - do I have to?
• Dejah Thoris drops mad beats.
• I don't think you're supposed to want to "escape" from an "Eden" (which is, by definition, perfect)

Page 123~

"The great Thark, I fear, is dead," she replied, sadly.

~RP

Paperback 17: Ace F-386

Paperback 17: Ace F-386 (1st ptg, 1966)

Title: The Time Traders
Author: Andre Norton
Cover artist: Unknown (possibly Ed Emshwiller)

Yours for: $8


Best things about this cover:

• Swirling vortex of Time!
• Martian probing stick!
• Prehistoric mullet!

RP